#4. The WaterCar Python
If you suddenly woke up tomorrow as a rich douchebag, you'd have a difficult decision to make: "Which do I buy first? A sports car, or a speed boat?" Fortunately, the WaterCar Python means you only have one trip to make.
You can now cruise the streets around the beach in a neat, Corvette-based convertible that can -- should the need arise to shut up that competitive jerk at the traffic light -- easily hit 60 mph in around 4.5 seconds. Then, you drive down to the actual beach. Swimsuit-clad members of the opposite sex stare in awe as you steer right into the water and hit a button to retract the wheels. Instantly, the Python becomes a fully functional speedboat with a top speed of 60 mph -- more than enough to make most actual boats look bad in comparison.
"Nice turn signal, asshole!"
It's powerful, too -- you can totally have a water skier or six in tow, should the occasion arise (it will). You can also stop whenever you feel like relaxing for a while -- the car is a stable floater. Hell, even the doors are designed to be able to open without flooding the car.
The only time that's ever happened without preceding the words "Oh shit."
Pretty much the only thing that isn't a built-in feature is a beach party. Although, with the Python in your corner, it shouldn't take you long to acquire your own.
"Great. Now my seats smell like sun tan oil and Kahlua."
Of course, if you were a true rich douchebag, you'd need to look at something like the ...
#3. Jet Limousine
Yes, that's exactly what it looks like. Dan Harris, the creator of the LimoJet, took an actual 1974 Lear jet fuselage and converted it into a high-end limousine. Why the hell not?
When life gives you decommissioned jets, make something to ferry overprivileged teens around on prom night.
The tail stands 11 feet high, and the whole thing sits on custom 28-inch chrome wheels. Its length is a respectable 42 feet from nose to rear, and its 101 inches from side to side are exactly one inch away from making it illegally wide. Oh, and it's a freaking jet plane. We really can't stress that part enough.
We would totally require a naked security check before entering that thing.
It is equally impressive on the inside: The 18-seat vehicle has a 42-inch HD plasma screen, an 8,000 watt sound system and several cow herds' worth of leather.
Harris markets his creations under the unfortunate brand name Jetmousine and charges around a million dollars per vehicle (flight attendants not included). However, if you don't happen to have that kind of money lying around, you can just rent one -- the first jet limo is already out there, flying under the flag of a Chicago based limo company. It's going to be the best prom night ever!
#2. All-Terrain Gamer
Video game companies have clearly been doing "portable" gaming completely wrong. You need to be able to bring the whole high-def experience with you -- four-player multiplayer, full-size monitors, a thumping sound system and a fridge full of Mountain Dew. Meet the All-Terrain Gamer:
You ain't shit until you can snipe while driving up the side of a mountain.
The ATG is basically a Transformer that decided to skip the "robot" phase in favor of a "badass entertainment center" one. Its base mode is that of a perfectly ordinary Toyota Tacoma pickup. But at the flick of a wrist and the push of a button, it becomes the magic car we all always really wanted.
Ironically, no racing games.
The sides of the car are actually two giant gull-wing doors, which rise up to provide shelter for the front and back seats that rearrange into a neat, four-seat row. Four 24-inch LCD screens fold out of the paneling, providing everyone with their own monitor. The custom made Kicker sound system fires up, the drinks cooler unveils itself and the controllers emerge. You and your friends are now sitting in the best Game Cave around, and as the vehicle comes with four Xbox 360 consoles, it looks as if you're going to be staying for some time.
As the icing on the cake, a giant 66-inch monitor pops out the back of the vehicle, so everyone stuck behind your now traffic-stopping gaming party can see exactly how much fun you're having.
All the fun of a dope-ass game room with the added ability to endanger human lives.
And, once the angry trucker stuck behind you finally reaches his limit and comes ramming into your ride, just grab a bike from the ATG's bike rack to make your escape.
What could possibly top this?
#1. The Sofa Car
Let's say you're lying on the couch when you're hit with a sudden, all-consuming craving for Cheetos. It's a lose-lose scenario -- the couch is comfortable and you're feeling far too lazy to run to the store, but you need your delicious artificial flavorings and you need them now.
Sure, you could just have your snacks delivered, but that's not enough for you. What you need here is clearly a motorized goddamn sofa.
"I don't want to freak you out, but it's also a toilet."
The leopard-print Casual Lofa is precisely that. In fact, it holds its own against plenty of other, decidedly less couchy vehicles on the road -- with a top speed of 87 mph, it is a former record holder for being the fastest piece of furniture in existence.
Much to the chagrin of law enforcement -- and despite boasting features such as a pizza pan steering wheel, a chocolate bar to change gears, indicators in two flowerpots, a speedometer inside a clock and a working television -- the Casual Lofa is a completely street legal, registered vehicle. Not that it's likely to stop you from getting pulled over -- the vehicle's builder has been stopped by the police as many as 12 times within a single day.
Which just makes it that much funnier.