Even if you're not really into cars, everyone has a dream vehicle. If it's not the standard answer like "classic Mustang" or "Bugatti Veyron," then maybe it's, say, the Batmobile, or a car that flies.
Of course, the problem with getting too fanciful with your automotive dreams is that the really crazy stuff would never be street legal. Or would it? After all, at this moment you can buy ...
Oh, hell yes.
As roughly 120 percent of Cracked readers are dedicated Batman fans, chances are you're looking at the epitome of every automotive fantasy you've ever had. And it's easy to understand why -- having the Batmobile as your personal ride would improve your life in every conceivable way. Messed up parallel parking and scratched another car? Who would raise hell at the guy who drives the Batmobile? Late for work? "I'm sorry, I had a hard time finding a parking space for my Batmobile." Get charged with a crime? Pointing at your Batmobile grants you an instant pardon.
"Sir, we're willing to turn a blind eye to all that smack you've been smuggling in exchange for one five-minute ride."
And the people at Putsch didn't set out to make just any old movie replica, either. They actually went as far as building it with an actual turbine-powered engine, a feat that, incidentally, even the "actual" movie Batmobile didn't really have. Powered by a military-grade Boeing turbine engine taken from a drone helicopter, the Batmobile can reach speeds of up to 180 mph, and could probably be much faster if it wasn't for the fact that the cool design creates a lot of drag and makes it a bitch to handle at high speeds.
Wait, they stole an engine from one of the Joker's rides? Oh, SNAP!
The creator of this masterpiece, Batman admirer and possible superhero gadgeteer Casey Putsch, took to his work with admirable dedication. He never actually knew much about turbine engines before the project -- he learned how to rebuild the turbine engine from scratch, all in order to achieve maximum levels of Batmanism. Mission accomplished, Casey. Mission accomplished.
Now, if you'd ever need to go undercover while still packing the same horsepower, you could go for the ...
Imagine you're stuck at a traffic light with your VW Beetle when some jerkass comes along and starts revving his fancy sports car engine at you. He's being as obnoxious as he possibly can, clearly goading you into a race so he can humiliate your unassuming, fuel-efficient ride and impress his date at your expense.
Then the light goes green, you fire up your goddamn jet engine and disappear into the horizon, leaving behind a stench of burned rubber and mildly scorched sports car owner.
"Sorry about your hair. Shouldn't have bought a convertible."
The Jet Beetle is exactly what it says on the box: a sensible, unassuming new model Volkswagen Beetle ... that has a giant-ass Navy surplus General Electric T58-8F jet engine (the same type that's used to land the presidential chopper) strapped on.
"Come on bitches, tailgate me."
It's the brainchild of car modifier Ron Patrick, who took consummate care to keep it street legal. The Jet Beetle actually has two engines: a standard-issue gasoline engine in the front, and the jet engine in the back. This means the law can't touch you when you use the ordinary gasoline engine ... and when you decide to use the other one, let's see them catch you.
Pay attention to the speedometer, though -- Patrick is fairly certain the car will actually lift off the ground if it hits 160 mph.
He claims he gets this look from the police all the time while they figure out if they can charge him with anything.
Hey, speaking of which ...
Did you ever have one of those really neat RC off-road buggies as a child, only to find out as you grow up that they're not a viable transportation option in the real world? The ParaJet SkyCar sets out to fix this glaring error with a vengeance. While it's street legal, there's very few places it can't go. It's equally at home off-roading as it is on the streets ... but it doesn't stop there. See, the "sky" part of the name isn't just clever marketing. This car actually flies.
Yes, someone has invented a flying car and it looks just like that bitchin' RC buggy you had as a kid. It's bio-fueled, too -- but frankly, we doubt you give the environment much thought as you're flying over the 5 p.m. traffic, laughing maniacally and throwing rude gestures at unbelieving faces below. The huge parachute wing/propeller combination the car uses to fly enables you to steer it with two pulleys, much like a parachute. What's better, thanks to this method of flight, you can totally operate it without a pilot's license of any kind.
"Dad, can't we just ramp stuff like normal people?"
The SkyCar is not just a concept model, either. It was successfully tested in 2009 with a 42-day London-Timbuktu-London expedition, and if you happen to have a spare $80,000 burning a hole in your pocket, you can totally place an order for one right now.
We're thinking about ordering one just to fire it up and throw shit into the propeller.
"Tramontana" is the name for a ridiculously strong wind that blows into Spain from the north -- so forceful that legends say it causes madness. You can't just toss a name like that on a Prius. No, you fill your workspace with race car and fighter jet parts, watch all the superhero movies you can get your hands on and go freaking nuts. And, if you're really, really lucky, what you wind up with looks a little something like Tramontana R Edition, a $495,000 supercar they only make 12 of per year.
Look at that thing. Just seriously ... look at it. It looks less plausible than any Batmobile design. But not only is it real, it's street legal. Oh, and this is how you get into the car:
People who claim they could never love anything more than their children haven't owned this car.
Yeah, it has a canopy like a goddamned fighter jet. And, no kidding, this is the steering wheel:
Great, now we have Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" in our heads.
Yeah, it's actually more fighter jet than car. Performance-wise, the Tramontana R Edition is no slouch, either. With a 720-horsepower V12 engine on a frame that only weighs 2,990 pounds, it can accelerate from 0 to 60 mph in 3.5 seconds and has a top speed of 214 mph.
Short of an actual working hoverboard, the most unattainable pop culture vehicle has to be the Tron light cycle. Clearly, these impossible bikes were designed with little more than the cool factor in mind. That neon-lighted ghetto blaster shape and those empty wheels are just not things in real-life motorcycles.
Or so you'd think. Parker Brothers Choppers will totally fix you up with a completely street legal, fully operational version of the Tron motorcycle -- no mean feat, as the originals were pretty much computer generated. The price tag for the bike is around $55,000, which is a bargain when you consider that every hardened biker will be reduced to tears of envy as you roll by on this baby. The whole "hubless wheels" thing is achieved with special wheels made from former truck tires, though it seems like the driving position would eventually be hard on your neck:
"By the way, ma'am, you are technically no longer a virgin."
And the signature Tron neon lights? It totally has them, too, thanks to electroluminescent strips built into the tire cowlings, wheel rims and body of the cycle. The first model was powered by gasoline, but in true sci-fi fashion, they're now being made all electric and can go around 100 miles on a single 15- to 35-minute charge, with enough juice left over for the lighting.
Sadly, they have not yet managed to duplicate the ability to create solid walls of light behind you as you drive, but we have to take these things one step at a time. But you can, however, get a Tron motorcycle suit for the full effect.
Now there's a man who will have so much sex, it'll actually make him angry.