#3. Fancy Dog Beds
A dog bed usually consists of a stinky rag, torn cushion or pee-stained cardboard box on the floor, if the dog even has a bed at all. This isn't because we hate our dogs, but simply because they do not require great accommodations to fall asleep. Go ahead and search "sleeping dog" on Google: Most of the dogs in the pictures appear to have had no problem whatsoever doing it directly on the ground. We question, then, the logic behind spending nearly $2,000 buying your dog a "designer" bed like the one below:
We're sure that won't look weird in the corner of the kitchen.
That was designed for a tiny human, not a four-legged animal. Look at the dog in the photo: He clearly doesn't know what the hell to do with that bed, because it's not something he registers as "sleeping place." We're pretty sure he would have preferred if you'd spent those $2,000 on lamb chops, or literally anything else.
Monogrammed sheets! For the dog who is also a massive douche, we guess.
For $1,780, this one says it's meant to let you provide "luxurious comfort to spoil your loved one," which, we're sorry, but that has to be illegal. Seriously, is there a chance this wasn't made with sex in mind? Dog sex? Even though anyone who has witnessed the act knows it's completely incompatible with this bed. Only 10 are available, so hurry up, you guys.
Ridiculously fancy dog bed: $1,800. That's the end of the joke.
This one says it was "inspired by Versace," and we're sure he's proud of that. But if you think that's fancy, check this out:
Whether a grown dog actually fits in there is irrelevant.
The royal cabana shoots up the price to a whopping $6,900, but you can see where all that money went: Besides the pelted faux brown mink fur and brown and gold velvet brocade fabric, it features your pet's name written in real Swarovski crystals over the entrance. Which really, really makes us hope that someone is buying this for a dog named Seymour Butts.
And finally, the Eiffel Tower of dog beds:
Yes, that's an Eiffel Tower on top. Yep, we're sad, too.
This one costs 24,000 fucking dollars, which, considering the state of the European economy, might actually be more than the real Eiffel Tower. Anyway, we're guessing your dog will use it for the same thing he'd use the real Eiffel Tower for: raising a leg and taking a leak.
#2. Painted Portraits
The life of a pet can be all too short, so it's only natural that people should want something to remember them by. Some take pictures, some record videos ... and some prefer to commission expensive re-creations of famous works of art substituting the faces of their dogs. Guess which ones we're gonna talk about now?
It's the one seen on the Today Show, of course! There is no joy in our lives now!
Finally, we know what he was screaming about.
... there's also the pop psychedelic style ...
So you'll always remember that time you and your cat dropped acid.
... and the downright frightening.
"Make sure it looks like it's capturing your soul."
Or, if you're looking for something a little more sober (and a lot more expensive), Pet Portraits offers photorealistic dog portraits for as much as $9,610, plus another $600 for bespoke framing. However, we have to admit that when it comes to the animals, they actually do a pretty good job. It's the people who are a little ... off.
Daisy, Charlotte and Taxidermied Human
#1. Luxury Resorts
Paradise Ranch is a "luxury country club" that follows the tradition of country clubs everywhere by shutting out a specific race: in this case, humans. This is a resort for dogs, is what we're getting at, and its luxuries seem specifically designed to mock everyone who has ever had to drop off their pet at a kennel for a few days. For $990, canine guests get a 10-day stay in a "luxurious furnished doggy suite" that seriously looks fancier than most hotels we've been to:
Our hotels also have complimentary face-peeing wake-up calls.
That isn't just a stock photo or something, by the way: It's one of the actual rooms where the dogs sleep. The place doesn't believe in restraining the dogs in any way, and to make them feel more welcome, even the decorations are dog-themed.
The hundreds of shards of porcelain, too.
During the day, the dogs can unwind from the stresses of their privileged lives by playing in the in-ranch water park and taking advantage of the complimentary boogie board lessons while playing something called "dog jumping," which we assume is when they bring in mutts from the street and wave a steak over their heads for amusement. There's also a "full service spa," but you know what, at this point nothing could surprise us. Incidentally, their commercial mentions that they offer your dog "human companionship while they sleep," but they couldn't possibly mean --
OK, we spoke too soon.
Yes, there's a person they pay to stay overnight with your pet, in case you've spoiled it so much that it can't fall asleep unless it's in close proximity to a warm human body (usually you have to pay your gardener to do this). Or, as their own slogan more eloquently put it:
"We're legally required to disclose this."