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We all love our pets, but rich people can express that love in insane ways the rest of us had no idea were even possible. So while we might treat our dog to a helping of table scraps and a belly rub, the wealthy can spend thousands of dollars on baffling luxury products, like ...

6
Wedding Clothes

Dog clothing is, by itself, already a concept of dubious sanity, especially when it's designed to resemble human clothes (as opposed to actually keeping the dog warm). Well, the website Bitch New York takes the crazy up to a whole new level by offering expensive clothes for dogs for all sorts of occasions they are clearly not prepared for/interested in ... for example, their wedding day.

bitchnewyork
This pathetic creature was a wolf once.

Not only are dog weddings a thing, but people are actually spending as much as $1,000 on the dress alone (because marrying a dog in the nude would be ridiculous). Since males of all species are usually less particular about this stuff, you can buy a dog frock coat for the groom for the relatively low price of $800.

Hell, we might buy a bunch of these just for taking the dog out walking. The website says the suit imitates the "formalwear from Edwardian times," otherwise known as that dark period in English history when everyone magically turned into a dog.

bitchnewyork
This is the classiest anyone has ever looked while taking a crap.

And in case you've been trying to imagine how a dog wedding works, here's a video of one, but we're warning you: It might be the most frightening thing you ever see. The dogs are "guided" down the aisle with leashes to prevent them from wandering off, and the owners have to constantly grab them and turn them forward, because obviously they have no fucking idea what's going on (and if they did, the horror might kill them). Afterward, the owners read each dog's lovingly written vows while simultaneously attempting to shut them the hell up.

gbgrimm
This does not look like "by your own free will" to us.

But hey, if you're going to live vicariously through a dog, you might as well do it in style, so how about pimping your bride with, oh, say ... a $3.2 million diamond collar for dogs?

ilovedogsdiamonds
Little-known fact: It will still be a dog.

But who's going to plan the reception afterward? You can't handle an event of that size on your own, obviously. So you'll need ...

5
Pet Party Planners

Party Animals is a company that will plan for you all those dog parties you clearly haven't been throwing because you didn't have time to work out the logistics. The website, which drops painful dog-related puns on every page like the entire business depended on it, states that they will do anything from "spaw days" to "puppy showers" in exchange for some of your money and all of your dignity.

partyanimal
We can only assume that "yappy hour" means they're going to get your dog hammered.

So what does your money get you, aside from egregious animal wordplay? Everything from the invitations ...

partyanimalsatx
"P.S. Bring your own poop bags."

... to the food and decorations. They'll even organize games for the dogs (right, because they'll be the ones who'll get bored at these things) while providing indispensable services like a dog manicure:

partyanimalsatx
Which is about as useful as giving a manicure to a dog.

And, we shit you not, dog escorts.

partyanimalsatx
Someone call the police -- tell them we've found evidence of poochstitution!

Party Animals is based in Austin, Texas, but there might be a dog party planner closer to you: Petaholics in New York, for example, will "help you throw a shindig your dog's friends will be barking about for months to come," and their services include greeting dogs as they arrive at the party. And if the available food options don't impress you, also based in New York is Zen Chien, a company that offers haute cuisine for sophisticated dog palates -- their menus include dishes like Mediterranean lamb and yogurt Parmesan chicken.

zenchienpets
Not included: "Their own poop."

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4
Little Doggy Mansions

The luxury doghouses manufactured by La Petite Maison aren't so much doghouses as actual houses that happen to have dogs in them. The below $10,000 Mexican hacienda, for example, "is large enough to accommodate a human and comes complete with terra-cotta floors." It's the nicest floor he'll ever shit on!

bitchnewyork
And it's more expensive than most real homes in Mexico.

Who buys this? If you're willing to pay thousands of dollars to make your dog comfortable, you might as well let him into your house. We suspect this is less about dog housing, though, and more about lawn decoration, since your pet probably doesn't give a shit if the place where he sleeps is shaped like a large box or like a stately Alabama mansion. Which you can also get, for only $5,200.

aristopaws
If it wasn't for the house in the background, it'd look like giant dogs ate everyone.

This one, manufactured by Best Friend's Home, is made of varnished wood and features lattice windows and "real bitumen shingles" (there's nothing a dog loves more than bitumen shingles). Still, it's a complete shithole compared to La Petite Maison's $9,000 doghouse brick manor, which includes "running water, lighting, air conditioning and heat," making it more livable than most of our apartments. Presumably it also comes with a little mailbox for the dog to rack up his own bills, because someone has to pay for all that stuff.

bitchnewyork
Unfortunately, the dog had to mortgage it, because he spent $9,000 on a house for his hamster.

The website states that the houses are custom-made to the customer's exact instructions for size, style and color (which are usually "woof," "woof" and "licks himself"), and that "they even have the ability to replicate a client's own home," meaning that most of them must be full of underpaid Chihuahuas working in the kitchen. You can also pick the wallpaper, flooring and interior artwork, since it'd be a shame for the dog to shun a perfectly good house because the walls came in the wrong shade of turquoise.

If you'd rather buy a pre-made dog mansion, the available models range from the traditional:

aristopaws
"Thanks for the house and all, but get off my lawn."

To the modern:

aristopaws
Somewhere, a Bauhaus designer is weeping.

3
Fancy Dog Beds

A dog bed usually consists of a stinky rag, torn cushion or pee-stained cardboard box on the floor, if the dog even has a bed at all. This isn't because we hate our dogs, but simply because they do not require great accommodations to fall asleep. Go ahead and search "sleeping dog" on Google: Most of the dogs in the pictures appear to have had no problem whatsoever doing it directly on the ground. We question, then, the logic behind spending nearly $2,000 buying your dog a "designer" bed like the one below:

bitchnewyork
We're sure that won't look weird in the corner of the kitchen.

That was designed for a tiny human, not a four-legged animal. Look at the dog in the photo: He clearly doesn't know what the hell to do with that bed, because it's not something he registers as "sleeping place." We're pretty sure he would have preferred if you'd spent those $2,000 on lamb chops, or literally anything else.

bitchnewyork
Monogrammed sheets! For the dog who is also a massive douche, we guess.

For $1,780, this one says it's meant to let you provide "luxurious comfort to spoil your loved one," which, we're sorry, but that has to be illegal. Seriously, is there a chance this wasn't made with sex in mind? Dog sex? Even though anyone who has witnessed the act knows it's completely incompatible with this bed. Only 10 are available, so hurry up, you guys.

bitchnewyork
Ridiculously fancy dog bed: $1,800. That's the end of the joke.

This one says it was "inspired by Versace," and we're sure he's proud of that. But if you think that's fancy, check this out:

bitchnewyork
Whether a grown dog actually fits in there is irrelevant.

The royal cabana shoots up the price to a whopping $6,900, but you can see where all that money went: Besides the pelted faux brown mink fur and brown and gold velvet brocade fabric, it features your pet's name written in real Swarovski crystals over the entrance. Which really, really makes us hope that someone is buying this for a dog named Seymour Butts.

And finally, the Eiffel Tower of dog beds:

bitchnewyork
Yes, that's an Eiffel Tower on top. Yep, we're sad, too.

This one costs 24,000 fucking dollars, which, considering the state of the European economy, might actually be more than the real Eiffel Tower. Anyway, we're guessing your dog will use it for the same thing he'd use the real Eiffel Tower for: raising a leg and taking a leak.

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2
Painted Portraits

The life of a pet can be all too short, so it's only natural that people should want something to remember them by. Some take pictures, some record videos ... and some prefer to commission expensive re-creations of famous works of art substituting the faces of their dogs. Guess which ones we're gonna talk about now?

artpaw
It's the one seen on the Today Show, of course! There is no joy in our lives now!

The pet portraits offered by Art Paw can cost as little as $135 and as much $1,200, depending on size, style and insanity. Besides the "insert your pet in famous works of art" category ...

artpaw
Finally, we know what he was screaming about.

... there's also the pop psychedelic style ...

artpaw
So you'll always remember that time you and your cat dropped acid.

... and the downright frightening.

artpaw
"Make sure it looks like it's capturing your soul."

Or, if you're looking for something a little more sober (and a lot more expensive), Pet Portraits offers photorealistic dog portraits for as much as $9,610, plus another $600 for bespoke framing. However, we have to admit that when it comes to the animals, they actually do a pretty good job. It's the people who are a little ... off.

pet-portraitartist
Daisy, Charlotte and Taxidermied Human

1
Luxury Resorts

Paradise Ranch is a "luxury country club" that follows the tradition of country clubs everywhere by shutting out a specific race: in this case, humans. This is a resort for dogs, is what we're getting at, and its luxuries seem specifically designed to mock everyone who has ever had to drop off their pet at a kennel for a few days. For $990, canine guests get a 10-day stay in a "luxurious furnished doggy suite" that seriously looks fancier than most hotels we've been to:

paradiseranchla
Our hotels also have complimentary face-peeing wake-up calls.

That isn't just a stock photo or something, by the way: It's one of the actual rooms where the dogs sleep. The place doesn't believe in restraining the dogs in any way, and to make them feel more welcome, even the decorations are dog-themed.

dailynews
The hundreds of shards of porcelain, too.

During the day, the dogs can unwind from the stresses of their privileged lives by playing in the in-ranch water park and taking advantage of the complimentary boogie board lessons while playing something called "dog jumping," which we assume is when they bring in mutts from the street and wave a steak over their heads for amusement. There's also a "full service spa," but you know what, at this point nothing could surprise us. Incidentally, their commercial mentions that they offer your dog "human companionship while they sleep," but they couldn't possibly mean --

paradiseranch
OK, we spoke too soon.

Yes, there's a person they pay to stay overnight with your pet, in case you've spoiled it so much that it can't fall asleep unless it's in close proximity to a warm human body (usually you have to pay your gardener to do this). Or, as their own slogan more eloquently put it:

paradiseranch
"We're legally required to disclose this."

You can read more from Mark at Zug, where he writes erotic fan fiction and explores the terrible world of men's rights activists.

For more warning signs that someone shouldn't own an animal, check out 6 Great Products For Making Your Pet Hate You. Or discover the 7 Badass Animals Presidents Have Kept As Pets.

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