There are a handful of animals that constantly break their social contract with humanity. Rats, termites, ants and cockroaches are unlike all other species in that they have no respect for personal space. They will invade your home, eat through your walls and generally ignore your deed or renter's agreement no matter how many times you show it to them.
But every once in a while, a completely innocuous animal will look at our quaint neighborhoods and civilized lives and say, "Oh, that's way better. Let's go live there." So any day now, your town could be infested by ...
The Groot Constantia suburb of Cape Town, South Africa, is just silly with monkeys. Baboons have overrun the community, stealing food and even stripping the thatched roofs off of houses. They are particularly notorious for breaking into tourists' cars, which is dangerous, because these monkeys are in no condition to be driving. See, Groot Constantia is famous for its vineyards, and the baboons stick around because they love getting shitfaced on the fermented grapes.
"Clean your windscreen for a quarter. A dime, then. I will pee on it for a penny, please."
In the baboons' defense, it was humans who invaded their home first. The baboons only started getting drunk and surly when tourism boomed and construction encroached on their habitat. But rather than hitting the road on whatever the animal equivalent of the Trail of Tears might be, the baboons have stubbornly insisted on staying put and having a goddamn drink.
"Dammit, Frank, everyone else went above $5 and you bring a shitty Chardonnay. I can't even look at you."
Residents have no idea what to do about them, either. The baboons break into houses, kill pets and do an unreasonable amount of streaking through the streets. A group of them cornered a 12-year-old kid in his own house, and as he cried they threw fruit at him until they got bored. Living in Groot Constantia is essentially like sharing a community with the worst fraternity you can imagine.
"All Kappa Delta Ook tributes to the vines. Booze run, booze run!"
Incidentally, the authorities are dealing with the problem like a college would: They've implemented a three-strike policy, except instead of being expelled, the baboons are euthanized. The hope is that by weeding out some of the most brazen B&E artists, baboons and humans can, at the very least, peacefully coexist. But it seems crazy to expect that monkeys will like us more after we kill a few of their best friends. If anything, the three-strike policy will only give them more incentive to poop in our cars. Incidentally, here is a video of baboons doing just that.
Generally speaking, when clouds turn into pitch-black, seething masses that rain toxic feces on the world, that's an indication of the end of times. But for the folks in La Grange, Kentucky, that's how they know there's still six more weeks of winter.
In recent years, tens of thousands of migrating black birds have descended on the town of La Grange in a literal shitstorm. Each morning and night throughout the winter, they fly over the community and produce so much poop that people have to walk around with umbrellas.
And while migrating birds showering a town in feces is objectively hilarious, the real-life consequences of all that shit is a little less funny. It's destroying cars and making people sick. Some people suffer from respiratory issues, and a huge chunk of the population gets pinkeye all at the same time each year (we only said the consequences would be a little less funny).
And a lot more Independence Day.
In a desperate bid to get rid of the birds, the Department of Agriculture has MacGyvered up some noise cannons -- actual weapons made of noise that they fire blindly into the woods each night to scare off the birds.
If firing blindly into the air has failed us, what tool does mankind have left?
Unfortunately, the cannons have proven pretty ineffectual. To us, it seems only logical that if they really wanted to solve the problem, they'd stop loading those cannons with noise and start loading them with human feces. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.
In the long list of animals that could amass into a horrifying and deadly mob, carp are somewhere near the bottom. In terms of threat level, they sit squarely between teacup pigs and coral. The only way that a carp infestation could be anything other than benign is if they somehow grew to be monstrous in size and started throwing themselves at humans. Which, as you can see from the above photo, is exactly what has happened with the Asian carp in rivers and lakes around the U.S.
Asian Carp Regional Coordinating Committee
"Wow! Dinner and a serious concussion, all in one package!"
Originally introduced to eat pond scum, the carp have thrived in American streams and have started devouring everything they encounter. They can weigh up to 100 pounds, they can eat 40 percent of their own body weight and no one has any idea how to stop their populations from surging. The Asian carp are destroying entire habitats and killing off species in lakes and rivers. But that's only what makes them horrifying to tadpoles and conservationists (two groups we all know are easily spooked). To earn our respect and terror, they've started leaving the water.
They can leap up to 10 feet out of the water, and at an average of 50 or 60 pounds apiece, it's like getting hit with a flopping cinder block. What's worse, they only do it in the presence of a boat. Experts suspect that it's the motor that startles them into launching themselves into the air, conveniently ignoring the more plausible reason: These fish genuinely hate us.
Carp used splash. It's super effective!
In an effort to keep the fish from getting into the Great Lakes and causing an environmental meltdown, officials dumped more than 20,000 gallons of poison into the water. If that sounds extreme, the first plan of action was calling in the U.S. Army to build an underwater electric fence, and the carp still got around it.
Because fucking flying.
In case you missed that last point, not even the United States Army could stop these goddamn fish. The poison is a last-ditch attempt to control the problem, but we privately suspect that the carp will turn our own weapon against us; we've essentially added poison to the arsenal of flying fish, turning them all into 60-pound biological weapons.