There are a handful of animals that constantly break their social contract with humanity. Rats, termites, ants and cockroaches are unlike all other species in that they have no respect for personal space. They will invade your home, eat through your walls and generally ignore your deed or renter's agreement no matter how many times you show it to them.
But every once in a while, a completely innocuous animal will look at our quaint neighborhoods and civilized lives and say, "Oh, that's way better. Let's go live there." So any day now, your town could be infested by ...
The Groot Constantia suburb of Cape Town, South Africa, is just silly with monkeys. Baboons have overrun the community, stealing food and even stripping the thatched roofs off of houses. They are particularly notorious for breaking into tourists' cars, which is dangerous, because these monkeys are in no condition to be driving. See, Groot Constantia is famous for its vineyards, and the baboons stick around because they love getting shitfaced on the fermented grapes.
"Clean your windscreen for a quarter. A dime, then. I will pee on it for a penny, please."
In the baboons' defense, it was humans who invaded their home first. The baboons only started getting drunk and surly when tourism boomed and construction encroached on their habitat. But rather than hitting the road on whatever the animal equivalent of the Trail of Tears might be, the baboons have stubbornly insisted on staying put and having a goddamn drink.
"Dammit, Frank, everyone else went above $5 and you bring a shitty Chardonnay. I can't even look at you."
Residents have no idea what to do about them, either. The baboons break into houses, kill pets and do an unreasonable amount of streaking through the streets. A group of them cornered a 12-year-old kid in his own house, and as he cried they threw fruit at him until they got bored. Living in Groot Constantia is essentially like sharing a community with the worst fraternity you can imagine.
"All Kappa Delta Ook tributes to the vines. Booze run, booze run!"
Incidentally, the authorities are dealing with the problem like a college would: They've implemented a three-strike policy, except instead of being expelled, the baboons are euthanized. The hope is that by weeding out some of the most brazen B&E artists, baboons and humans can, at the very least, peacefully coexist. But it seems crazy to expect that monkeys will like us more after we kill a few of their best friends. If anything, the three-strike policy will only give them more incentive to poop in our cars. Incidentally, here is a video of baboons doing just that.
5Blackbirds That Blot Out the Sky
Generally speaking, when clouds turn into pitch-black, seething masses that rain toxic feces on the world, that's an indication of the end of times. But for the folks in La Grange, Kentucky, that's how they know there's still six more weeks of winter.
In recent years, tens of thousands of migrating black birds have descended on the town of La Grange in a literal shitstorm. Each morning and night throughout the winter, they fly over the community and produce so much poop that people have to walk around with umbrellas.
And while migrating birds showering a town in feces is objectively hilarious, the real-life consequences of all that shit is a little less funny. It's destroying cars and making people sick. Some people suffer from respiratory issues, and a huge chunk of the population gets pinkeye all at the same time each year (we only said the consequences would be a little less funny).
And a lot more Independence Day.
In a desperate bid to get rid of the birds, the Department of Agriculture has MacGyvered up some noise cannons -- actual weapons made of noise that they fire blindly into the woods each night to scare off the birds.
If firing blindly into the air has failed us, what tool does mankind have left?
Unfortunately, the cannons have proven pretty ineffectual. To us, it seems only logical that if they really wanted to solve the problem, they'd stop loading those cannons with noise and start loading them with human feces. Sometimes you have to fight fire with fire.