6 Old-Timey Comics Straight Out of a (Bad) Acid Trip

#3. Silver Streak

Silver Streak # 11, Page 58
"The Boy Streak." This is about to get uncomfortable, isn't it?

Silver Streak is like the Flash, if the Flash didn't give a shit and was a child-molesting pervert. Now, we know that gratuitous accusations of pedophilia get thrown at superheroes and their sidekicks all the time, and we're probably guilty of having done that in the past, but this ... this is really something else.

It all starts when our hero, Silver Streak, meets a poor boy on the street and takes him to his apartment with the promise of injecting his "secret fluid" into him.

Silver Streak #1
This panel makes our job completely redundant.

After stripping down (seriously) and receiving the fluid injection, the boy gains all the powers of the Silver Streak and becomes his sidekick, Mercury (inexplicably renamed "Meteor" two issues later, simply because no one cared enough to keep track of that sort of thing). It's also explained that Silver Streak's pet falcon, Whiz, got superpowers using the same method, but we'd rather not dwell too much on that.

Anyway, Silver Streak and Mercury/Meteor/whatever soon go off to fight the Third Reich in their own, shall we say, very special way.

Silver Streak # 17
Decades later, a traumatized Mercury would resurface as Chris Hansen.

Silver Streak # 17

OK, at some point they just flat out stopped fighting Nazis and began openly flirting with each other in the sky as they let deadly bombs fall on American soil. They're not even making the minimum effort to hide it. The homoerotic repartee they're trading makes Batman and Robin sound like rowdy truckers.

Silver Streak # 15

Silver Streak # 15
We'll just go ahead and get ready for the FBI raid now.

Somehow, the writer of this comic must have known the Internet would exist, because there's literally no reason for this panel to be in this comic other than for comedy websites in the future to make fun of it. The expression, the wording, the emphasis on pleasure -- this much inappropriateness could only exist by design.

Also, even when Silver Streak wasn't busy breaking statutory laws, he seemed less concerned with helping win the war and more with just trolling enemy soldiers by branding them with his special "V" mark.

Silver Streak # 17, Page 36
Pictured: Eisenhower-era teabagging.

#2. Boy King and the Giant

Clue Comics # 2, Page 1

The origin story for Boy King is one of those classic, timeless tales: When the Nazis invade the idyllic and culturally stagnant European nation of Swisslakia, the dying king tells his young son David to go and dig up the giant robot Nostradamus built for just such an occasion. Yep, that Nostradamus, who was apparently a genius robotician in addition to a bullshit artist.

Clue Comics # 1, Page 8
"The robot is powered by intentional vagueness and apocryphal quotes."

Becoming Swisslakia's official new king, David uncovers the robot and immediately uses it to crush the Nazi army. As in horribly squash their bodies to death.

Clue Comics # 1

Clue Comics # 1

... which, actually, seems like a fairly reasonable use for it. The problem is that the more he uses the giant, the more pleasure the Boy King seems to derive from commanding it to kill people in increasingly contrived ways. That kid had issues. Observe as his expression changes from anger to sadistic glee:

Clue Comics # 2

Clue Comics # 2
"... but more slowly this time. Yeah. Yeah, that's it."

The Boy King had two equally important objectives: keep his people safe and sate his bloodlust. He figured the U.S. could help him do both those things, so he got the giant to drag the remaining Swisslakians across the ocean, officially dissolving the very nation he swore to defend as soon as they reached American shores. You see, despite having never been there before, David was desperately in love with the United States ... and so was the giant, in a far more literal sense.

Clue Comics # 2, Page 10
What followed was 15 pages of the wrongest wrongness ever put to paper.

#1. Fantomah

Jungle Comics #2

Fantomah, Mystery Woman of the Jungle is often credited as the first comic book superheroine, debuting in early 1940 and predating Wonder Woman by almost two years. Whoever decided she counted as one, however, has an extremely loose definition of what superheroing entails -- for starters, as far as we know superheroes aren't meant to be mind-numbingly terrifying.

What's so scary about her? We wish you hadn't asked. At first, Fantomah appears to be just another completely normal voluptuous blonde woman flying around the jungle.

Jungle Comics #15
You'd barely notice her.

But here's the catch: In order to use her superpowers, Fantomah must undergo a transformation that starts with her becoming a faceless monstrosity, a grotesque mockery of humanity whose very shape threatens us with oblivion ...

Jungle Comics # 15, Page 48

... and doesn't end until she has become a human-shaped representation of death itself.

Jungle Comics # 15, Page 48.
There's just no good context for witnessing a gender-reassigned Skeletor.

Fantomah only changes into her ghostly form when she's about to unleash a supernatural punishment on someone, usually greedy hunters or businessmen who dare to mess with her jungle. Some of them are lucky.

Jungle Comics, via Stupid Comics
Like the ones who are merely torn apart by gorillas.

Others, not so much. Her worst torture is the sadistic "pit of horrors" in the "unfound world," the most bizarre sequence of events ever printed in a comic book. It starts when she grabs several men who were enslaving jungle natives and merges them together into one man, then drops him in a pit filled with strange creatures. The man/men tries to make a run for it, but ...

Jungle Comics # 7, Page 35
And now we know what Ralph Bakshi read as a kid.

... um, inexplicable stuff happens, and then ...

Jungle Comics # 7, Page 36

Yeah. So never go anywhere near a jungle, kids, is the lesson here.

Jungle Comics #2
Sleep well tonight.

Philip "Pip" Ury wants to write cartoons and comic books. Follow him on Facebook or drop him an email at ZananVI@hotmail.com.

For more comics that make us uncomfortable, check out The 5 Most Unintentionally Offensive Comic Book Characters and The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time.

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