3"Christopher Walken Confesses on Live Radio About an Actress's Death"
Highly acclaimed actor and scarer of small children Christopher Walken has rarely uttered a public word about the tragic events back in 1981 that led to the untimely death of American sweetheart and film star Natalie Wood. Walken was on a yacht with Wood and her husband, Robert Wagner, when Wood fell into the water in a drunken stupor. So when Walken decided to break his long silence, of course he did it live on morning drive-time radio and on, of all places, a sports radio gabfest.
Between the wildly popular "What Are You Eating Right Now?" and "Frog or Dog?" features.
At least that's what the Associated Press reported at the tail end of 2011, when they ran a story stating that Walken had appeared on ESPN 980 AM in Washington, D.C., where he spilled new details about the events that led to Wood's death while discussing the case, which had recently been reopened by the LAPD. Walken claimed that the occupants of the yacht had been drinking obscene amounts of sambuca, followed by some shouting and finally (and you really have to imagine this next line in Walken's voice), "There was tragedy."
Also the look in his eyes.
They Believed It Because:
Celebrities all lead out-of-control lives and all become Charlie Sheen behind closed doors. Each time they talk frankly about it, we feel a little bit better about having spent an entire weekend in bed eating a huge tub of cheese puffs.
With the exception of a single Playboy interview, Walken has rarely spoken a public word about the incident. So it's understandable that hearing Walken's trademark staccato stammer leaking new details about that fateful night would be big celebrity news. The only problem is that the "Walken" in question was actually Marc Sterne -- one of the morning radio show's producers -- doing an impersonation of him as part of a weekly skit where he gives fantasy football advice in Walken's voice.
"The Jets are hidin' Tebow in the one place they know they can hide somethin'. Their ass."
But how was a lowly AP reporter supposed to know that?! Well, the previously mentioned fact that Walken had only publicly discussed the case once in 30 freaking years might have been the first clue. Another is that Sterne's Walken impersonation apparently isn't even that good -- he himself said, "Let's be honest, I'm sure Julia Roberts does a better Christopher Walken than I do and I'm embarrassed for the AP reporter."
Sterne isn't a gifted mimic -- this is his Cosby.
Though, to be fair, we have to admit that the reporter did his due diligence: He phoned the radio station and left a message regarding the Walken "interview" -- after the AP story was published.
2"LAPD Plans to Spend $1 Billion on Jet Packs for Officers"
Back in 2010, the Los Angeles Police Department announced a big purchase to help put them on the cutting edge of maintaining awareness in crowded areas, reducing the spread of rioting and ensuring that kids still consider cops to be cool.
"Look, if I can't beat hippies senseless with this thing, I just don't see the point in any of it. Here's my badge."
When the Martin Jetpack from New Zealand became the first commercially available jet pack in the world, the LAPD announced plans to purchase 10,000 of these super-cool transporters, even though they cost around $100,000 each. Fox News' Fox & Friends morning show not only broke the story, but also became the first major news outlet to show complete bafflement about the appalling amount of money being spent by the city of LA on something so frivolous. For those of you who have trouble envisioning that many zeros, that's one billion dollars -- quite a chunk of change for a police department that hadn't even been able to afford new squad cars for years.
Maybe because they were saving for the sci-fi future force, duh.
They Believed It Because:
Republican, Democrat or other, we all love to hear stories of the government squandering our hard-earned tax money on frivolous, expensive toys. Yes, it was the conservative Fox News that reported it, but these stories are as old as journalism itself. Where is all of this tax money going, anyway?
To be fair, the anchors at Fox realized that they got the story wrong and issued a correction within an hour. However, they conveniently left out the most interesting part of their correction -- the original source. You see, the story came from the Weekly World News, a supermarket tabloid that purposely makes up far-fetched stories to draw in readers who don't know any better.
Of course it's trustworthy, it's got the word "reliable" right there next to Bat Boy's face.
If they'd bothered to dig a little deeper into the report, they would have noticed details that should have thrown up red flags -- such as the fact that the Martin Aircraft Company was "working on a second model that can take you to the moon." But really, why keep reading past the part that supports your political narrative? You've found your talking point, hurry up and get that shit on the air!
"Look, just CTRL+F 'murdered children' and 'Obama' and we'll take it from there."