Login or Register

Sign in with Facebook

We may have mentioned a few times how comic books have mastered the art of finding new and creative ways of making sex bizarrely unappealing, even to people who read comic books. Here are some instances of superhero stories aspiring for romance but failing horrifically, like Cupid aiming his bow at a young couple but missing and hitting a choleraic orphan in the face.

Uncanny X-Men #440 -- Angel and Husk Have Midair Sex in Front of Husk's Mom

Paige Guthrie, code name Husk, is one of the lesser-known characters from the X-Men universe. She briefly had a fling with Angel, who is about 12 years older than her. It isn't the considerable age gap between them that has gotten these two on our list, however, or even the fact that Husk's incredibly unsexy power is the ability to transform into any element she wants after physically pulling the skin from her body.

Uncanny X-Men #440
On the plus side, she's never without the means to fashion an incredibly macabre condom.

No, this relationship officially gets awkward when the couple (along with the rest of the X-Men) are in Kentucky at Husk's mother's house. Husk hears Angel admitting to her mom that he is intentionally pulling away from her because he's scared she'll die (and not because of the fact that she's 19 and he's thirty-goddamned-one). After the confrontation, they kiss and make up in a big way:

Uncanny X-Men #440
Their kids will have really bad wing eczema.

To make it even more romantic in a way that only genetically altered mutants can, Angel carries her into the sky and they make love in the air, Angel pulling off and tossing Husk's dress down to the onlookers below:

Uncanny X-Men #440
Or her skin. You know, whichever would be more creepy to wear as a trophy.

That lady who is turning away in embarrassment? That's Husk's mother. The one who's standing in a good spot to wind up with some drops of mutant semen in her hair if she doesn't get out of the way. The guy catching the dress is Wolverine. Yep, the rest of the X-Men are also enjoying the show.

Uncanny X-Men #440
"So ... we're all just going to watch this happen? Is that what we've decided?"

Note that when Husk drops to the ground moments later, it clearly shows that Angel's pants have disappeared, along with any sense of shame he may have once had in his life.

Uncanny X-Men #440
"Any chance you could turn back, babe? We've got a real 'sword in the stone' situation going on."

Teen Titans #36 -- Robin and Wonder Girl Make Out in Dead-Body Juice

This story happens a year after the tragic death of Superboy, who was Robin's best friend and Wonder Girl's boyfriend. This being a comic book, Robin deals with his grief by trying to clone Superboy in the basement.

Teen Titans #36
Pictured: Angsty teenage science.

Unfortunately, it isn't working, and after failing to bring his best friend back to life yet again, Robin smashes his clone jar in a fit of bong-destroying rage. Green cellular Superboy clone goop spills everywhere.

Teen Titans #36
"At this rate, I'll never be able to clone Batman new parents in time for his birthday!"

Robin has, of course, been doing his experiments in secret, so when Wonder Girl comes in to see what all the glass-smashing hubbub is about and finds him trying to rebuild her dead boyfriend from old fingernails or whatever, she bawls him out for acting so totally insane. But then the tears start coming.

Teen Titans #36
And crying makes anything OK.

The two then share a passionate kiss, finding the comfort they so desperately need to cope with the loss of their friend. They collapse to the floor:

Teen Titans #36
Accompanied by the sound of a sodden squeegee moving across tile.

Yes, the floor. The floor that is one huge puddle of the half-formed remains of the very friend they're mourning. And yes, the shit is right there -- just seconds before, Robin is shown with the goo slipping through his fingers -- fingers he will momentarily run through Wonder Girl's hair.

Teen Titans #36
Of course, it won't be the first time she's had Superboy's goo in her hair. Sorry.

Both of them know what this stuff is, and yet they're just kneeling there, letting the Superboy corpse soup soak into their clothes while they swallow each other's faces. It kind of makes you wonder if Superboy's last living act wasn't to place a wish for a threesome with a particularly cruel genie.

Continue Reading Below

Wonder Woman #284 -- Robin Wants to Bone His Sister

Despite what the title may lead you to believe, for some reason this comic has nothing to do with Wonder Woman and everything to do with the Huntress, aka Helena Wayne, the daughter of Batman and Catwoman from an alternate universe.

"Hey, they both got tits, right? That's all anybody's buying this book for."

In this issue, the Huntress gets help from Batman's grown-up sidekick, Robin, aka Dick Grayson.

Wonder Woman #284
Again, you may notice the staggering lack of Wonder Woman.

During a break from their investigation, Helena and Dick head down to the training room for some exercise. We watch them chit-chat and perform some impossibly bendy pseudo-gymnastics for a while, and then this happens:

Wonder Woman #284
That's right, Dick. She said "little."

Romance! And honestly, it makes complete sense -- Batman's daughter falls for Batman's young protege. They're a perfect match. Except for the fact that they're siblings. Not biologically, of course, but they were raised in the same house by the same people at the same time. At the very least, this means that Dick is Helena's foster brother, but in all probability they are step-siblings. And if you still don't see what's creepy about it, check this out:

Wonder Woman #284
So ... so is she peeing? What's going on here?

That's Robin drawing the creepy comparison between changing her as an infant and seeing her naked as an adult, and then referring to the nudity involved in the former as a "privilege." Jesus, Batman should've just let the fucking Joker babysit. Oh, it only gets worse from here.

To all our male readers who have sisters -- if you were planning on visiting your sister but knew she was showering, you'd wait until after she got out of the shower to head over, right? If you're Dick Grayson and you have sister-doink on the mind, you break into her apartment and barge right into the goddamn bathroom.

Wonder Woman #284
Smooth, Robin. Now clumsily hide your boner with that newspaper.

That's right -- he picked the freaking lock and was waiting for her in the bathroom to helpfully remind her that they aren't really related. And just in case you thought he was done being weird, Dick specifically tells Helena not to get dressed. So they can talk for the rest of the evening, and just, ya know, see what happens.

Wonder Woman #284
"I like listening to the water drip off your skin."

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #25 -- Superman Marries, Enslaves Lois Lane

In one of the numerous "What if?" stories published in this series, Superman has been married to the love of his life, Lois Lane, for a month. For her protection, he keeps their marriage secret and hides her away in the Fortress of Solitude. But adventurous Lois has grown bored of the Arctic and demands that Superman announce their marriage to their world. Reluctant and wary, Superman agrees.

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #25

But of course, Lois almost immediately regrets her decision, because this is 1961 and she is a woman. Now that the world knows she is married to Superman, she is in constant danger from overpriced merchandise, mass mailings and superbeings who want to kill her. So Superman builds her a protective vehicle, because the Man of Steel isn't going to buy his own groceries, assassins be damned.

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #25
That bubble is every kid we hated playing Cowboys and Indians with.

Supes is treating Lois (his wife, remember) at best as an afterthought, and at worst as a prisoner. Sure, she can drive around in the giant everything-proof bubble he somehow managed to build for her (presumably with Batman's help), but couldn't he have at least put in some tinting? It's almost like he wants people to shoot at it so he can test how bulletproof it is.

This is all not even considering the fact that he expects Lois to live in the goddamned North goddamned Pole for the rest of her natural existence, with nobody to talk to except for a bunch of robot Superman clones that seem curiously preoccupied with some other area of the frozen wasteland:

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #25
"Sorry, Lois. But you did marry an alien superbeing with no real ability to comprehend mortal needs."

Finally, you may have noticed by now that Lois is Mrs. Superman, not Mrs. Kent. That's because somehow, in between vowing to be faithful and loving and true to each other, the notion that Supes should perhaps tell Lois his secret identity evidently never occurred to either one of them.

Superman's Girl Friend Lois Lane #25
"Then I'll check in with my other wife in Des Moines! This 'faster than a speeding bullet' shit is tits."

Continue Reading Below

Nightwing #93-95 -- Tarantula Rapes Nightwing

If you're not a comic book guy, you should know that Nightwing is the identity Dick Grayson (formerly Robin) adopted in later years, and Tarantula is an up-and-coming heroine who Nightwing decides to mentor in the art of crime fighting.

So, she goes off to face the supervillain Copperhead, and she gets her ass handed to her:

Nightwing #95

Luckily, Nightwing comes charging in to save the day before Copperhead chokes her to death. As he does, Tarantula stands to the side, all moon-faced and doe-eyed as the man of her dreams valiantly defends her.

Nightwing #95
To be fair, any one of us would swoon over a guy flip-kicking a dinosaur man in the face.

After the fight is over, Tarantula tries to steal a kiss. She almost succeeds, but work-oriented Nightwing walks away before first impact, not even looking over his shoulder to see if his devoted student is following him.

Nightwing #95
Because he's got 99 problems.

Eager to please, she chases after him like an affectionate puppy. Seems like a pretty standard "girl has unrequited crush on her gruff mentor" story line, right?

Well, as it turns out, that gruff exterior may be a manifestation of some fierce PTSD. While Nightwing lay injured and immobile two issues prior, Tarantula climbed aboard and, ignoring his protests, raped him in the street.

Nightwing #93

Writer Devin Grayson has reassured us that "I never used the word 'rape,' I just said it was nonconsensual." Sure thing!

Nightwing #93
Because, hey, nonconsensual sex and rape are totally different things.

Later on, she drags a drunken, plainclothes Nightwing to the courthouse and takes advantage of his weakened judgment to get him to pay for a marriage license for the two of them.

Nightwing #93
"Man, I sure am glad this obvious rapey sociopath knows my real identity."

All the love in the air gets thrown into high gear when Nightwing bails out at the last moment and leaves Tarantula standing all by her rapey self at the county clerk's office.

Nightwing #93
"I need to go break into my sister's apartment."

Ant-Man #3 -- Ant-Man Has Sex With His Dead Friend's Girlfriend on That Dead Friend's Grave

Avengers: The Initiative #8

... almost.

Despite being a superhero, Ant-Man has always been kind of a shithead. In the new series, Ant-Man's alter ego is Eric O'Grady, who has all the same powers as the original Ant-Man but engages in slightly different habits of douchebaggery.

Ant-Man #3
To be fair, this is precisely what most of us would do with this power.

During a mission, Eric's best friend, Chris, gets killed, and Eric has to deliver the tragic news to Chris' girlfriend, Veronica.

Ant-Man #3
She cried so hard her glasses broke.

Eric and Veronica spend the next week mourning their loss together and growing closer as they bond over Chris' death, traveling together to Chris' hometown for his funeral and some manly superhero cry sessions.

Ant-Man #3
"Funny story -- I was kinda responsible for your boyfriend's untimely death. Let's bone."

After the funeral, they again find each other for comfort and support, and eventually their grief comes out in the form of a teary-eyed make-out session in the rain.

Ant-Man #3
You wouldn't have thought it, but Ant-Man's shrinking power is a surprise hit with the ladies.

Pretty standard romance, right?

Actually, when we say "after the funeral," we mean exactly that. As in "directly after the funeral." As in "they're standing on the freshly piled dirt atop Chris' earthly tomb." This could be seen as an acceptable part of their mutual mourning process, except for the fact that they are currently in a graveyard, making out directly on Chris' grave a week after his death. You can leave a Big Mac out on the counter for longer than that and eat it without a problem. And soon, they fall down to the grave itself to get their bone on:

Ant-Man #3
Boy, everyone else must've just left immediately after the service.

So the guy is rotting six feet below his best friend and his girlfriend rolling in the dirt, tearing each other's clothes off and teetering on the edge of vaginal boniferation. Finally, Veronica cuts it off before it becomes the full-fledged deed, leaving Eric sitting in front of his buddy's tombstone with balls more blue than any grief-stricken mourner in the entire cemetery. Presumably he then went home to "wrestle with his guilt."

Ant-Man #3
"Hey, buddy, just keep on saying nothing if it's cool for me to rub one out here."

For more from E.D. Gonzalez, check out Gonzo's Warriors Blog. D. McCallum has more nerd comedy that you can check out here, or you can follow her on Twitter here.

For more ways comic books frighten us, check out The 6 Creepiest Comic Book Characters of All Time and The 5 Creepiest Sex Scenes in Comics.

To turn on reply notifications, click here


Load Comments