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5 Movie Apocalypses That Would Defeat Themselves

#2. Waterworld Doesn't Have Enough Water

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In Waterworld, the polar icecaps have melted, covering the Earth entirely in water. Humanity has learned to adapt to a new way of life and now lives entirely on boats and floating settlements out on the open ocean. Kevin Costner plays our antihero, the Mariner, a mutant who can breathe underwater and has no real interest in helping anyone other than himself, even though he'll wind up doing it anyway, so essentially he's Mad Max with gills.


If Mad Max spent a sizable chunk of the movie drinking his own urine.

Their mission is to find one of the last, tiny little bits of dry land remaining on Earth, and some have searched for so long that they believe no such land exists.

So, What's the Problem?

If the polar icecaps melted, the oceans would rise only 68 meters. That's real bad news for Florida, Uruguay and Bangladesh, but it falls well short of the urine-drinking horror of Waterworld, where dirt is considered as precious as gold. In fact, this is what the world would look like:

Via Johnstonarchive.net
With Florida gone, Oklahoma and Arizona would have a pitched battle for the coveted 'Craziest State' award.

Land wouldn't be a distant rumor, it'd be right where it always was.

The only plausible way that the events of Waterworld could take place is if all the people in this movie are somehow conned into believing they're living on a worldwide ocean. When you think about it, this kind of makes it a more interesting movie. After all, a lot of things don't really make sense if you accept the film's central premise at face value. Like where Dennis Hopper's band of pirates are getting their endless supply of factory-processed cigarettes.

If the story of Waterworld works at all, then everyone is the victim of some strange conspiracy, like those villagers who were trapped in an old-timey village in that Shyamalan movie whose title escapes us. Clearly, somebody thinks it's in their best interests to keep a bunch of people trapped out on the open ocean. Some people will pay good money for dirt and other crap that you can find on the ocean floor if you're the one person who can breathe underwater. Someone, for example, who is part fish and whose name is "The Mariner."


Him. Hypothetically.

#1. Planet of the Apes Doesn't Have Enough Apes

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At some point in the future, mankind loses the eternal war between man and ape. Accidental time travelers return to Earth in the distant future to find that shit is completely messed up and the world is run by ape-people now. The scenario is slightly different depending on which version you're watching -- in the original series, humans start mass breeding ape slaves who eventually rise up against them and start a nuclear war. In the new Rise of the Planet of the Apes, a virus is created that simultaneously makes apes smart and kills people. And in Marky Mark's Planet of the Apes, a future ape gets a hold of a sports almanac and gives it to his younger self in 1955. Or something. We didn't see it.

So, What's the Problem?

No matter what version of the ape-pocalypse you subscribe to, there are simply too many people and not enough apes to enslave them.

There are currently 7 billion humans on Earth. Apes, on the other hand, are all critically endangered. There may only be around 350,000 of them in the whole world. Now, the Apes movies seem to be vaguely aware of this inequity -- in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, humans start breeding apes in 1983 to increase their numbers, and the world has been overrun with them by 1991. By this timeline, even if humans collected every ape female on Earth and forced them to have a baby every year, there would still be fewer than 10 million apes when the ape revolution occurs, and most of them would be children. As armies go, that's woefully inadequate when your goal is total dominance of every inch of the globe.

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"You. Me. World domination. We totally got this covered, bro."

And even if the apes develop some kind of super-intelligence, we still have the guns and bombs and nukes and poison gas and, most importantly, vastly more experience at this "war" thing than the apes do. Somehow every version of the Apes franchise asks us to imagine the same scenario -- a relatively insignificant number of apes simply punches every man, woman and child on Earth to death while we just let them do it.

Now, the new franchise introduces a viral pandemic into the scenario, suggesting at the end of Rise that most of the humans are going to die to make way for the ape revolution. But they also only have a tiny handful of apes when the virus hits. Even a plague that killed 99 percent of humans would still leave 70 million people versus only a few hundred apes.

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Sorry, but if one species boils your species down to this, you are not the dominant life form.

Yep, no matter which way you slice it, a Planet of the Cows is still infinitely more likely. Also, we really want to see that one.

For more film scenes that actually did come true, check out 7 Real Car Chases Way Crazier Than Anything in the Movies and 5 Real Bank Heists Ripped Right Out of the Movies .

And stop by LinkSTORM to learn how bankrupt yourself preparing for these scenarios anyway.

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