#3. I'm Not Drunk, I'm a Werewolf
It had been a quiet night at the Timber Ridge Campground in northern Ohio until Thomas Stroup hit the vodka a little too hard. Someone called the police, complaining that Stroup was in a drunken frenzy and was starting fights with people. He had even kicked a dog cage in his fury.
Deputies found Stroup passed out in his trailer, surrounded by swords and knives, which, along with throwing stars and a magnetic dartboard, are required to be placed in every odd-numbered unit in a trailer park. When they woke him up, Stroup only growled at them. Once he finally started talking, he spoke in a Russian accent and threatened to kill the deputy's cousin Keith, only the deputy didn't have a cousin named Keith, so instead of being flushed with terror, the threat just left everyone feeling confused.
Via Huffington Post
"No, seriously. Get me on a basketball court, and I'll show you."
After being unsuccessful in his attempt to intimidate the deputy, Stroup explained that a wolf had scratched him during a recent trip to Germany, so now whenever the moon was out, he felt compelled to prowl through the night and attack (and evidently kill guys named Keith).
Stroup also mentioned that he'd been arrested by German police during his trip for drinking too much and blacking out in public. His passport indicated that he had, in fact, been arrested in Germany, but the police wisely connected the dots and determined that, rather than getting scratched by a wolf and turning into a feral demon, Stroup had just drank too much and turned into an asshole.
"Wanna see my throwing stars?" failed to attract the ladies.
#2. 103? Thought I Was Going 031
A worried driver called police when he saw another motorist yelling and waving a cigarette around while erratically changing lanes at high speed (if he had been waving a gun instead of a cigarette, everyone would've just kept driving). Responding officers clocked Matthew Cook doing 103 in a 60 mph zone, but Cook had an explanation: his dyslexia kept him from understanding the speedometer.
"It also prevented me from seeing that I ran over that child back there."
We should note here that dyslexia does not in fact keep a person from feeling the forces of acceleration or from looking out their goddamn windows and seeing that cars are blurring past them like the stars in hyperspace. Also, even if Cook had a numeric speedometer and was dyslexic with numbers, he would still know he was looking at three digits. Unless you are on a racetrack, on the Autobahn or in freaking space, you are driving too fast.
"I'm also colorblind. I can't see black or off-white. That's how that works, right?"
Regardless, Cook didn't have the chance to argue his claim, because his speedometer read like a dial, and the court didn't buy that dyslexia would make him unable to understand that he was burying the needle. Cook's license was revoked.
#1. It's Not a Crime, It's Method Acting
Detective Robert DiGiacomo was on the lookout for a suspect who started a fairly lame crime spree by stealing a bottle of water and face-punching a convenience store clerk. As DiGiacomo sat idling in his Chevy Impala, the passenger door opened and a man climbed in. Micah Calamosca, who would actually turn out to be the clerk-punching water bottle thief, then told DiGiacomo to get out of the car because he was totally stealing it.
When DiGiacomo finally stopped laughing and had a chance to wipe the tears of hilarity from his eyes, he pulled out his gun and arrested Calamosca. But Calamosca had a ready-made excuse: The movie The Dark Knight Rises was filming nearby.
Batman might break the "no murder" rule to rid Gotham of that facial hair.
Calamosca explained that he was involved in the filming of the latest Batman movie and that the script had called for him to steal the detective's vehicle. The fact that there was a staggering lack of cameras, film crew and Christian Bale anywhere near the scene of the carjacking made the story hard to believe, though, so Calamosca was hauled off to jail.
But even his excuse was a bit more plausible than that given by a guy who robbed a Belfast lingerie store, making off with bras, underwear, garter belts and stockings. At his trial, the man claimed that he didn't really remember what he was thinking during the robbery, but that Beho, his female elf character, might have had something to do with it.
Well, the motivation is certainly there. Her current clothes just make her look silly.
He said he had been playing Shadowrun, a role-playing game set in a cyberpunk/magical future. His character, Beho, was an elven shaman who carried a Japanese sword, and the man claimed he had lost the ability to separate the fictional game world from reality. The judge didn't buy this, presumably because there is no quest in Shadowrun that requires you to go steal an armload of panties at knifepoint, even though that exact setup describes 70 percent of the games currently sold in Japan.
For more just awful criminals, check out 6 Baffling Mistakes Criminals Apparently Make All the Time. Or learn about 5 Real Bank Heists Ripped Right Out of the Movies.