If making fun of stupid criminals is a crime, then we plead guilty. We'll even do it in some laughably incompetent way so that we can become a list entry in one of our own articles.
Indeed, one of the deepest wells of comedy in the dumb criminal genre is the real yet incredibly implausible or outright insane excuses they make for their crimes. So, let's enjoy the tragic genius of the following criminal defenses ...
Let's say you live in a rural area. It goes without saying you've drank an entire six pack, because it is mandated by the county and there's absolutely nothing else to do anyway. Presently, you get the urge to visit your sweetheart, but you don't have a car, and he or she isn't a member of your immediate family. However, there is a horse nearby. So what do you do? If you said "drunkenly steal that goddamn horse," then you are thinking like Tracy Nadine Ellenburg.
When life gives you lemons, steal a goddamn horse and ride drunk through the streets.
A concerned citizen of Six Mile, South Carolina, contacted police after spotting Ellenberg erratically drunk-riding the contraband stallion down the middle of Main Street (the citizen's ability to distinguish between drunken and sober horseback riding should have been immediately commended).
Ellenburg had parked her horse before police arrived, but the officer on scene was able to locate it anyway, because it was the only horse tied to a bench outside a convenience store.
"Looks like it might rain. I think I'm just gonna bring it inside."
The officer confronted Ellenburg, who stank of alcohol, swayed and slurred her defiant insistence that she was sober, which you may recognize as a level of drunkenness so spectacular that people mimic it when they are pretending to be drunk. Regardless, not only did Ellenburg deny any wrongdoing, she actually blamed the horse, which, if you remember from before, was stolen. She declared that the horse was drunk, not her, and therefore the horse was at fault for the erratic riding.
The police, not appreciating having witnessed one of the seven wonders of the drunken excuse world, cited Ellenburg for disorderly conduct.
The drunk-ass horse got off scot-free.
A woman in St. Paul, Minnesota, was tucking her children into bed when she heard a noise somewhere in her house. Going downstairs to investigate, she spotted a man and a woman running full-tilt out the back door, like that one kid at sleepovers who refused to poop anywhere but at his own house. The woman chased after the intruders and found them loading bags of her stuff onto their bicycles, presumably because they had learned everything they knew about criminality from the evil baseball team in The Sandlot.
"No, officer, I have not taken 'all of the drugs in the world.' Why do you ask?"
They were thwarted hilariously when a neighbor blocked them in with his car and called the police. The thieves, Charles and Pernella Bull, had attempted to make off with a laptop, a desktop computer, a toolbox, the woman's purse and a few other odds and ends. On their bicycles. We cannot stress this enough.
When questioned, Mrs. Bull said that a friend had told her that the address was listed as a "free house" on Craigslist, which meant that the owners were moving out in a hurry, so anyone was free to just show up and take whatever they wanted. You may recognize this as the daffiest pile of bullshit in the history of lies told by anyone above the age of 4.
"They also said that if we wanted, we could punch them in the face and call them racist things."
Mrs. Bull said she had called out to ask if anyone was there when she walked into the house (you know, the house with all the lights on and a purse sitting on the counter), but when no one answered, she figured it was vacant and starting loading up the bicycles. The police weren't able to find the alleged "free house" listing on Craigslist, most likely because at no point in the course of human history had it ever existed, so the Bulls were arrested.
"No, officer, they said it was OK! Look, I have a note from them!"
As Lee Solarski was tooling along one day, he crashed his car into both a mailbox and a pickup truck, as one does. Being a responsible citizen, he immediately drove the ballshits away, not realizing that a witness had written down his license plate number.
When the police tracked him down, Solarski explained that he'd crashed because his passenger had a tarantula in the car with them. The tarantula had gotten loose and was biting Solarski, causing him to lose control of the car during the attack. To his credit, we admit a rampaging tarantula would be enough of a reason to crash anything.
Yeah, we'll believe that's the face of a tarantula-owning man.
The police searched the car but didn't find the offending spider, which we figure came as a relief to whichever officer drew search-the-car-for-a-secret-tarantula duty. After a similarly thorough search of Solarski failed to produce any spider bites, he was arrested. So ... did he make up the spider story on the spot? Is that his go-to excuse? Does he really have a friend with a tarantula who he blames everything on? "Hey, honey, I see you've stumbled across the folder full of porn Steve's tarantula put on my computer."
"It's not what you think -- a tarantula was on her, and I was just fucking it off!"
Though that's actually not the worst vehicular-related crime excuse we've ever heard. A Cincinnati man walked out to his car one morning and was surprised to find a guy asleep inside without any pants on. The half-naked sleeper turned out to be Kim LeBlanc, who told police that he'd done drugs and was pretty sure a leprechaun had opened the car door and let him in. He offered no explanation as to why a leprechaun would have told him to wait inside a stranger's automobile, or where the aforementioned leprechaun had gone with his pants.
"Well, you look like an honest guy. Let's just call it even and move on."