If making fun of stupid criminals is a crime, then we plead guilty. We'll even do it in some laughably incompetent way so that we can become a list entry in one of our own articles.
Indeed, one of the deepest wells of comedy in the dumb criminal genre is the real yet incredibly implausible or outright insane excuses they make for their crimes. So, let's enjoy the tragic genius of the following criminal defenses ...
6I'm Not Drunk, But the Horse Is
Let's say you live in a rural area. It goes without saying you've drank an entire six pack, because it is mandated by the county and there's absolutely nothing else to do anyway. Presently, you get the urge to visit your sweetheart, but you don't have a car, and he or she isn't a member of your immediate family. However, there is a horse nearby. So what do you do? If you said "drunkenly steal that goddamn horse," then you are thinking like Tracy Nadine Ellenburg.
When life gives you lemons, steal a goddamn horse and ride drunk through the streets.
A concerned citizen of Six Mile, South Carolina, contacted police after spotting Ellenberg erratically drunk-riding the contraband stallion down the middle of Main Street (the citizen's ability to distinguish between drunken and sober horseback riding should have been immediately commended).
Ellenburg had parked her horse before police arrived, but the officer on scene was able to locate it anyway, because it was the only horse tied to a bench outside a convenience store.
"Looks like it might rain. I think I'm just gonna bring it inside."
The officer confronted Ellenburg, who stank of alcohol, swayed and slurred her defiant insistence that she was sober, which you may recognize as a level of drunkenness so spectacular that people mimic it when they are pretending to be drunk. Regardless, not only did Ellenburg deny any wrongdoing, she actually blamed the horse, which, if you remember from before, was stolen. She declared that the horse was drunk, not her, and therefore the horse was at fault for the erratic riding.
The police, not appreciating having witnessed one of the seven wonders of the drunken excuse world, cited Ellenburg for disorderly conduct.
The drunk-ass horse got off scot-free.