Cracked Round-Up: Avoid Crack Edition

As the (contested) result of a recent court sentence, we're going to have to start throwing some positive messages for 'the kids' into these round-ups. So, children in the audience, we'd like to provide you with a warning. We know drugs are "fun" and "hip" and "jiggy" but if you think crack is "dope", you're going to wind up in a world of hurt.

Sure, it'll seem fun at first. Running through the street, fighting mail boxes, screaming at cats for hours on end. But sooner or later you're going to end up pooping on some cop's car. Good luck qualifying for any student loans with that on your record.


Soren Bowie started us off by doing what he does best: listen to classic rock and draw crude pictures of women. Luke McKinney explained why your neighborhood Irishman thinks you're a dick on St. Patrick's day. Adam Brown took stupid pet owners to task and John Cheese applied a syringe full of hind sight to our high school experience. Brockway huffed reactor paint and had adventures while Dan O'Brien ended our week with the sequels that should have been.



MYTH-STORY
6 Historical Events That Are Way More Modern Than You Think
The best ideas are like the worst party guests, lingering wy too long and drinking all your bottom shelf liquor.


Notable Comment: "I'm so sick of hearing about Woodstock. Get over it. The catering sucked and the toilets were disgusting. The place stank of dirty feet and vomit. Those filthy hippies trashed the joint and stumbled about off their faces like vagabond drunk homeless people. It was a f*****g disaster by modern standards and the cause of many an unwanted pregnancy. Stupid hippies."

You know what, Von_Boner? If you can't appreciate sloppy, muddy sex while everything aorund you reeks of vomit and feet, maybe you just aren't meant to be happy.



LITTLE CLONES
7 Scientific Reasons You'll Turn Out Just Like Your Parents
This...might be the most depressing article we've ever published.


Notable Comment: "This article isn't true at all because of some anecdotal evidence in the form of two people I know not conforming to this."

TheFran just summed up about half this article's comment section.



POTTER-HEADS
6 Horrifying Implications of the Harry Potter Universe
All those British children always seemed like the scariest part of the Harry Potter series for us.


Notable Comment: "I wish my picture of John Lennon on my wall was real though. ;)"

You say that, RachaelWolfy, but as soon as he starts bugging you for drugs and a paint-job you'll start to regret it.



BAD MECHANICS
5 Insane Cases of Imposters Passing as World Leaders
Looking like a famous person either gets you a decent living in Las Vegas or...this article.


Notable Comment: "The moral of the story: If you resemble a militant dictator who may or may not be the target of international military action, then shave."

We'd agree, skim172, but did you see that beard? Zeus would be jealous of that thing.



SPACE ADVENTURES
5 Mind-Blowing Things Found in Our Own Solar System
And yet, still no sign of the moon men.


Notable Comment: "Europa, the sixth closest moon to Jupiter has an outer core composed entirely of ice at least 100 km thick. So if we run out of fresh water, we know where to find more."

JimmyJohnson has given us another reason to survive into the 23rd century. Ice Miners of Europa is going to be the best reality show ever.





After Hours
Why Mario is Secretly a Douchebag
What is the correct pronunciation of 'Mario' anyway?


YOU YOU YOU!
23 Tiny Changes That Would've Turned Good Ideas to Disasters
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Unfamous Siblings of Famous Characters, Famous Pictures Turned into Propaganda, Terrifying Origins of Everyday Food/Drink/Products and Classes We Wish We Could Force People to Take.

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