Cracked Round-Up: Nutmeggin' It Edition

Well folks, it's finally happened. Cracked Magazine is entirely out of drugs. There wasn't any one cause for the tragedy. It all came down to an unfortunate conflux of Brockway's latest bender, one of our interns getting busted by customs, and the fact that giving pigeons coke is goddamn hysterical. Desperation and sobriety have forced us to take drastic measures. Namely, raiding the spice cabinet for the thirty pound bag of nutmeg we've had stashed away for just such an occasion.

All told, the high is pretty good. But the twelve hours of pooping and vomiting have really done a number on our staff bathroom. Once Francois gets back from prison, he's gonna have a lot of clean-up to do.


Seanbaby got the ball rolling with a look at the most balls-out insane magazine you've ever read. Christina took a deep look at why the human race will never know peace. Bucholz told you why to stop bragging on the Internet while Soren Bowie took the elderly to task. Robert Brockway reviewed ADD medicine and Adam Brown discussed parking lot etiquette. John Cheese tried once again to quite smoking and editor Jack O'Brien revealed the weirdly specific things famous actors do in every single movie. Dan O'Brien ended the week with the sad story of his search for a shaggy best friend.



ACCIDENTAL REMAKES
6 Movies Inadvertently Remade as Other Movies
Hollywood isn't always lazy. Sometimes they're just forgetful.


Notable Comment: "You forgot one other very important difference between Doc Hollywood and Cars: Full frontal nudity. Guess which."

Our memories aren't perfect, TheB.I.V., but we remember a whole lot of naked tail pipes in both films.



WATCHED-DOGS
6 People Who Turned the Tables on Government Surveillance
The bad news is, Big Brother exists. The good news is, he seems to have fetal alcohol syndrome.


Notable Comment: "Why are there no articles making fun of the real Islam on Cracked? Trust me, there's a bunch of stuff to make fun of in there. Oh no, you guys have no guts to do that. Let's all make fun of the government instead!"

Alright, johndoe7today, this one's for you: Two Imams walk into a bar. One says, 'I'll have a Heineken', while the other says, 'Yarrrr, 'tis drivin' me nuts.'



BAD MOMMA
7 Species That God Screwed Over by Mother Nature
This makes you feel a little better about that whole 'appendix-having business', doesn't it?


Notable Comment: "It's H.R. Giger: pronounced like Ghee-Grrrrrr, not the radiation detector. I am a big nerd."

KnarfBlack, you may be thinking about the bad guy from No Country for Old Men.



NEAR MISS
5 Famous Space Missions That Almost Ended in Disaster
America won the space race through a combination of pluck, ingenuity, and sheer dumb luck.


Notable Comment: "The ability to do crazy math while facing alomost certain doom impresses the s**t out me. I doubt I could do long division under the best of circumstances."

Long division? Hell, Tcsoserpico, in our soberest moments we can barely manage subtraction.



BAD COVER
The 6 Worst Attempts at Damage Control in Political Scandals
Attention politicians. Please try to outdo these guys. We'd love to write a sequel.


Notable Comment: "Well, I've met Gene Simmons, and ironicly he smelled like ham."

We have so many different comments to make about this, nanna. But they all boil down to; "That wasn't ham."





Dead Kevin
Taking Up Smoking is Way Harder than It Looks
Mmm, like velvet.


YOU YOU YOU!
What 23 Background Movie Characters Were Secretly Thinking
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Famous Scenes Made Filthy By Needless Censorship, Famous Photos, One Minute Before and Pop Culture from Fictional Universes. And our dialogue-based contest, Great Moments in History Ruined by Social Media.

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