#2. Mike Plumb Saves His Victim's Life
SWAT sniper Michael Plumb arrived on the scene with the rest of his unit to find a suicidal man named Douglas Conley sitting on a lawn chair in the middle of the street, ranting and holding a revolver to his head. Conley refused to let any police officers come near him, becoming more and more agitated each time they tried to approach and raising the gun to his chin. Conley's volatile state, coupled with the fact that he was ignoring all the police's demands, led Plumb's commander to finally give him the go-ahead to fire.
Wait, what? That's how we handle a guy who's threatening suicide -- we call in a sniper to shoot his ass and get it over with?
And people say the government isn't efficient!
Not exactly. Plumb's task was to shoot Conley in a way that would prevent him from shooting himself. Good luck!
Instead of trying to hit the man, Plumb was to attempt to assassinate the tiny .38 snub-nosed revolver Conley was holding in his hand, from 60 yards away. You've seen this gun in countless movies -- this is a weapon that is barely larger than a person's hand:
Via Wikimedia Commons
It's the one they let Joe Pesci use so he looks normal sized by comparison.
So, with Conley's crazy ass fingers wrapped around it, there was maybe about an inch or two of non-person for Plumb to target. It was the first time that group of SWAT snipers had ever been cleared to fire their rifles during a call, and it was arguably the craziest shot ever attempted by police.
So, Mike Plumb lined up over half a football field away and shot a single round that smashed into Conley's gun and blew it to pieces.
Here is a video of Plumb's sorcery:
A stunned Conley struggled to maintain his composure, as if he had ordered the gun to explode with his thoughts, and was promptly tackled by the police.
#1. Navy SEALs
The Maersk Alabama was a cargo ship that was captured by pirates while floating off of the coast of Somalia. In exchange for the lives of his crew, the captain of the Maersk, Richard Phillips, offered to be taken captive. The pirates agreed.
Following the hijacking, the pirates set off in a lifeboat with their captive and demanded a ransom of several million dollars, because evidently Phillips had told them he was Bruce Wayne or something. The United States government responded by sending the Navy's USS Bainbridge to follow the lifeboat, which, to be fair, is what several million dollars would look like if you spent it on a guided missile destroyer.
"You can even have the missiles, too. Catch!"
As the USS Bainbridge followed the boat, it picked up a team of Navy SEALs who had parachuted into the sea nearby, because being a SEAL means you are required to make your entrance like William Shatner on a game show.
The SEALs had orders from the president not to act unless the life of the captain was in immediate danger, so they took up positions around the Bainbridge and waited. They managed to get their chance when two pirates poked their heads out of the lifeboat, and they were able to see the last pirate through the boat's window, pointing an AK-47 at Phillips' back. After deciding that an assault rifle aimed at the captain sufficiently constituted an immediate danger, three of the SEALs fired.
"Aim for their good eye."
By using what we assume was telepathic communication, the moment the SEALs saw the pirates, they fired, each at a different target and in unison so that no pirate had any time to react before his head turned into memories. Phillips was rescued, and the SEALs presumably rose from the ocean on jet packs to rendezvous with a space helicopter that flew them back to their base in a hollow mountain.
On the fucking moon.
For more badassery that we struggled to put into words, check out 5 Authors More Badass Than The Badass Character They Created and 5 Real Life Soldiers Who Make Rambo Look Like a Pussy.