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The 9 Most Insane Board Games of All Time

#4. Fruchtchen!

Via Boardgamegeek.com
Incredibly, this entry has nothing to do with the Nazis.

What It Looks Like:

Our fruits are tired of being juiced, and they aren't going to take it anymore! But there's one problem ... you're thirsty! Fight your way through hordes of marauding fruit revolutionaries and turn those malcontent treats into delicious juice drinks by draining them of their precious life blood. But beware of the Enraged Lemon! He's waiting around every corner, and he's dangerous. The first player to successfully turn that angry citrus into a delicious pitcher of lemonade wins!

What It Is:

Via Boardgamegeek.com
You have to eat all of that.

You roll dice, which allows you to "harvest" the fruit cards. "Harvest" of course is just a fancy word for "pick up." You can also pass a dice roll that you don't want to another player. And, well, that's pretty much it. Which leaves us wondering: Why is the lemon on the box so very angry? It seems like a happy, smiling cartoon lemon would've sold the game just as well. What terrible fruit-related trauma happened in the illustrator's childhood to make him convinced that lemons are out to get us?

Not that he's wrong, mind you.

#3. The Amusing Game of Kilkenny Cats

Via Boardgamegeek.com
Do NOT turn the box over. It'll make you puke.

What It Looks Like:

The (real) story goes that during the Irish rebellion of 1798, mercenaries in Kilkenny tied two cats together for a little blood sport. When an officer looked like he was going to stop the fun, they cut off the cats' tails to let them escape and then told him that the cats had eaten each other down to the tail. So we can only assume that "The Amusing Game of Kilkenny Cats" lets players recreate this awful and anatomically impossible story with adorably dressed cats fighting to the death. Amusing, indeed!

What It Is:

Via Boardgamegeek.com
Yes, we know there aren't going to be pistol-shooting cats in there, but come on.

It's Checkers meets Sorry! -- the players move their totally non-cat-looking pawns from one side to the other based on dice rolls. There's not even any fighting; if one player's piece lands on top of another, it's simply taken off the board.

With the elaborate pistols-at-dawn scenario on the box, you'd think they could at least have the players roll to see whose pawn gets removed, but apparently that took too much thinking about the rules. It's much easier to slap some cats in waistcoats on the cover, title it "An Amusing Game" and call it a day, which is exactly what they did.

Via Boardgamegeek.com
We're guessing this was the poor kids' version, called "Wood and Some Pieces."

#2. Grosse Walze

Via Ebay.de
Well, that looks perfectly reasonab-- no. No, it doesn't.

What It Looks Like:

Die Grosse Walze ("The Big Barrel") is as happy as an inanimate object can possibly be, but behind that smile is a dark secret ... it's only happy when it's killing. And trust us, you don't want to see the barrel when it isn't happy.

Via Ebay.de
If you're going to play it, you own up to the horror and LOOK AT THEIR FACES!

Use the barrel to crush as many civilians as possible before they can flee in terror and you'll keep the barrel happy and full with the blood of innocents.

What It Is:

You roll the die and move your pieces onto the track. If you become the owner of the "big barrel," you can move your opponents' meeples off the board. For those of you not geeky enough to have heard the term meeples: First, congratulations. Second, meeples are wooden or plastic figures that stand for human beings in games, especially German ones. Unfortunately, the "big barrel" is only a figure of speech; you don't really get to physically crush anything. Equally disappointing is that although the cover shows figures with expressive faces, the pawns are just colored wood.

Via Ebay.de
If you want to drench the board in blood, you have to supply your own.

We realize that in 1929 Germany was on the brink of economic collapse, so there wasn't a lot of money to spend on anything fancy, but couldn't they have used some of the money spent on the elaborately deceptive box and put it toward a little bit of white paint to give the meeples some eyes?

#1. Alles Paletti?!

Via Hall9000.de
"Good thing we thought to bottle up all of our shit."

What It Looks Like:

Little Tommy lives in an abusive home where he is buried up to the knees in dirt and/or feces while his evil parents pour bottles of beer and/or acid on his head. Roll the dice to try to rescue Tommy from his home while avoiding the attacks from his psychotic parents. Get there too late, and you'll find nothing but Tommy's acid-scarred bones in a shallow grave.

What It Is:

Via Hall9000.de
Ninety percent of that is just variations of the word "testicles."

The game is designed to improve parent-child communication, which all but guarantees a horrible time for the entire family. The cards feature different moral situations that parents can discuss with their kids to find out how they would react if they were placed in said situations. In other words, it's a game designed to teach kids how to lie.

For more questionable design choices, check out Lost In Translation: 20 Baffling Foreign Movie Posters and The 19 Most Hilariously Failed Attempts at Sexy Album Covers.

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