Cracked Round-Up: Democragasm Edition

Holy balls, what an election. Every candidate who made a stupid comment about rape lost their seat in congress, and the rich dude with perfect salt-and-pepper politican hair lost to the other rich dude with great hair. But all this jibber-jabber about Republicans and Democrats misses the most critical implications of Tuesday night's electoral money-shot: weed is now legal in two states, and Puerto Rico wants to become a state.

Only the future knows whether we'll follow through on that whole '51st state' thing, but Cracked is willing to make a bold prediction for Colorado and Washington. Either the new junk food revenues will kick-start a revitalization of the American economy, or the whole thing will prove to be one gigantic, elaborate ruse by the DEA.

Chris Bucholz started our week with an etiquette lesson, on the unspoken public transit rules we all break. Soren Bowie was next with an erotic novel starring the Cracked staffers while Jack O'Brien revealed the "dumb" celebrities who are actually crazy smart. Gladstone showed us how to travel abroad without looking like tourists and John Cheese explained how men ruin their own sex lives. Adam Brown polished our week off with celebrities who get more hate than they deserve.

BARELY LEGAL

8 Insane Vehicles You Won't Believe are Street Legal Because what's the point of commuting if everyone else on the road isn't staring at you?

Notable Comment: "ussually when am online and in the confort of my seat am pretty bad ass and ant afraid of s**t but i have to admit a scared shitless of the flatmobile and smallest,those are just one slight road rage away from sudden death"

We feel you, steelmouth. That flatmobile is the only car we've ever seen that's basically designed to kill Highlanders.

GOOD HEALTH, BAD IMAGES

The 8 Most Excessively Disturbing Public Health Campaigns Sometimes, in order to protect people, you must scare the literal shit out of their bodies.

Notable Comment: "There's got to be SOMETHING else to do in Wisconsin besides statutory rape. Clearly these are people who don't own an XBox."

Scarlett208: essentially blaming Sony for Wisconsin's rape problem.

BAD EATS

5 Insane Secrets Behind the Food on Your Grocery List We're honestly not sure if it's better to read this article before or after you buy groceries for the week.

Notable Comment: "The thing about those super cattle... sure it's healthy, but it's the fat that provides the texture and flavour to meat. Without it, a steak is just a bland slab of muscle fibres. I saw a TV show where a chef chowed down on a steak from one of those supercows... he described it as like chewing on his own tongue."

We get what you're saying, onca747, but no amount of logic could get us to turn down eating something called a 'supercow'.

CHANGING BODIES

5 Weird Directions Human Evolution Could Have Taken After today, every human being you see will suck just a little bit harder.

Notable Comment: "Your Neanderthal Looks a lot like Mel Brooks. Do we have a new Theory on our hands?"

Mel Brooks is the apex of human evolution, Beefcake. What else explains Young Frankenstein?

BAD BUILD

5 Awesome Movie Robots With Inexcusable Design Flaws Yeah, it turns out the "people who design robots" category doesn't really cross the "screenwriter" category on most Venn Diagrams.

Notable Comment: "Maybe SkyNet could only scrape together enough mimetic polyalloy for one terminator."

True, Darth_Fat_Guy, but what's stopping them from going back in time and snatching that first T-1000 right before past-Skynet is able to send him back?

Obsessive Pop Culture Disorder

4 Disturbing Questions About Krang from the Ninja Turtles Krang? KRANG!

YOU YOU YOU!

27 Halloween Decorations Based on Realistic Fears We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Useful Content Warning Labels for Albums/Games/Movies, The Hidden Special FX Behind Famous Movie Scenes, Famous Movie Quotes Put in the Worst Possible Context and Famous Corporate Business Plans, Charted