#2. The Killer Snake of Nigeria
The Time: 1999
The Place: Birnin Kudu, Nigeria
As a general rule, it's true that snakes -- even venomous snakes -- are more scared of you than you are of them. After all, they tend to be tiny and quite vulnerable to shovel or boot-based attack. However, as small, unassuming psychopaths throughout history have proven, you can be comparatively weak and still poison the shit out of anyone.
Disturbed kids, consider this encouragement.
One such snake, a cobra with a chip on his shoulder, went on a 10-day killing spree in the city of Birnin Kudu. While most snakes only strike when threatened, Cobra Commander just balls-out rushed people, one after the other. Humans may be big, but most of us have pretty terrible situational awareness once we're suddenly shot full of poison by a tiny, fast-moving animal, so the little bastard was able to strike and disappear like Solid Snake (pun absolutely and totally intended).
According to reports, the Nigerian Ankle-Biter (as we have officially named it, just now) "would appear suddenly, strike a victim before disappearing, only to reappear to bite yet another." There was no warning, and no discernible reason for the attacks beyond "screw you all for having legs."
As it turns out, Birnin Kudu has a major problem with overgrown weeds, which provided our venomous mass murderer with the means to sneak up on a vast number of victims. The government has since gotten a hand on its "killer" weed problem, which seems to have cowed the rapacious snake for the time being. However, somewhere on the outskirts of town, there is still a mass-murdering poisoner with a taste for blood and a kill count in the double digits.
That, or he's moved on to greener pastures.
#1. The Murderous Big Cat Gang of India
The Time: 1907 to 1938
The Place: The Indian subcontinent
For a brief period in modern history (about 1907 to 1938), nature tried to stage one last hurrah against humanity by unleashing a bizarrely coordinated assault by the big cats of India. Among them were the Leopard of the Central Provinces, the Leopard of Rudraprayag, the Leopard of Panar, the Champawat Tiger, the Thak man-eater and the Tigers of Chowgarh. All of these predators went batshit banana sandwich crazy at roughly the same time, suggesting some cosmic alignment or contagious insanity or maybe just something in the freaking water. Whatever the cause, these cats all shared a sudden, mighty need for man flesh.
We've all been there. Although usually after two tabs of Ex and a foot-long margarita.
The Champawat Tiger alone was responsible for 436 documented deaths in Nepal and Himalayan India, which, for those of you keeping track, is more than any human serial killer in modern history.
"You call that murdering and eating people, Dahmer?"
This cat attacked during the day, while the Leopard of Rudraprayag attacked at night, sometimes busting down the doors of its victims like goddamned Leatherface and dragging them screaming into the darkness. All told, more than 1,200 men, women and children were killed by 33 big cats over the course of three decades, establishing a legacy of terror that has yet to be equaled.
The killings might have continued unabated were it not for this man:
Moments later he'd put that hat on the leopard and hold a hilarious impromptu puppet show.
Over those 30 years, Col. Jim Corbett of the British Indian Army was repeatedly dispatched to personally "resolve" the problem animals. He was able to bag all 33 of the murderous felines, starting with the Champawat Tiger. See, that was back in the days when any good project's first step was "Kill a tiger."
Followed by "Kill another tiger" and "More mustache wax."
Robert Evans has a blog where he writes about hard drugs and the economy. He'd also like you to check out a scary movie his friend is working on, Freeborn. Jacopo has a new book coming out called The Great Abraham Lincoln Pocket Watch Conspiracy, and he is on Twitter.
And stop by LinkSTORM to discover what the best self-defense is against a pack of squirrels.
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