Cracked Round-Up: Cost of Science Edition

You probably think of Cracked as a simple purveyor of dick jokes, but our comedy is actually just a "moat" to protect our true business of industrial science. Specifically, the science of making rats grow human pubic hair for the mass production of cheap merkins. Our work suffered a disastrous blow this week though, with the premature ignition of our primary tesla coil during an ill-timed employee scrap metal swap meet.

Anyone interested in purchasing large quantities of charcoal should contact Jack O'Brien immediately.


Part of being human is secretly thinking you must be way cooler than reality would seem to indicate. Gladstone took that part to task with his look at the celebrities you really resemble. Soren Bowie provided our emotionally broken readers (Read: All of them) with Valentine's cards for their fake relationships. Luke McKinney dove into the sad history of men who try to re-invent drinking and Christina exposed the ways we manipulate each other through the Internet. John Cheese gave some good advice on how to spot bad advice before Brockway dropped by to ruin science fiction. Dan O'Brien set us up for a weekend flame war with four stereotypes that scream out to be noticed.



SUPER WEIRDOS
6 Real People With Mind-Blowing Mutant Superpowers
The correct response to this article is to get angry with your parents for having such lame blood.


Notable Comment: "A lot of Tibetan monks have the same power as the "Iceman.""

That may be true, troll_alx, but- and we'll put money on this, none of them can pull of the mad viking look like Captain Nord here.



GENITAL LIES
5 Ridiculous Sex Myths Everyone Believes
For being something we all want to do, boning seems pretty goddamn mysterious.


Notable Comment:"Sex doesn't sell, huh? How do you account for porn and it's nearly $10 billion in gross annual earning, just in the US?"

People still have sex in the pornography you watch, SeanYamazaki? You're pretty tame.



LITTLE MONSTERS
7 Reasons Ants Will Inherit The Earth
Don't worry. That itching, creepy feeling all over your body is 100% natural.


Notable Comment:"This is why we need to breed better, faster, stronger, anteaters. We have the money."

We have the money, WhatIDoIDoHere, but some of us are still sane enough to realize that any animal capable of destroying the ants for us, is a greater threat than the ants themselves.



NO WAY
5 Real Places Plucked Straight Out Of Fairy Tales
If you ever wanted your apartment complex to feel inadequate, this is the article to read.


Notable Comment: "This might be all the hallucinogens talking but I can definitely see a skull in the rock face on the eighth picture down of Majlis al Jinn."

This means one of two things, epic_ellen. You're either doomed to die in seven days, or you'll soon see a double-rainbow. Probably one of the two.



TOO DEEP
6 Insane (But Convincing) Theories on Children's Pop Culture
Yeah, kids are innocent. But the people who write their entertainment aren't.


Notable Comment:"You have effectively ruined my childhood. And for that, I thank you. Oh no wait no. Not "Thank" you. "Fuck" you."

EvilTaxidermist, if we had a dollar for every time someone told us that, we'd have enough money and power to crush you all.





Good Cop Great Cop
When Making Fun of Strangers Goes Horribly Wrong
If 'Chronicle' were real.


YOU YOU YOU!
24 Famous Paintings With Dialogue Included
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If The News Was Forced to Tell the Truth, Smartphone Apps We'll Likely See in the Future and When Video Game Characters Finally Snap. And our dialogue-based contest, Conversations Being Held By Crappy Tattoos.

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