5 Insane Supervillain Schemes by Real Governments 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Breeding Endangered Animals 4 Lame Jokes You Start Telling as Soon as You Become a Dad

Cracked Round-Up: Valentines Day Edition (?)

It's February, which can only mean one thing. Valentine's day is either here, or fast approaching. We aren't allowed to have calendars in the office and Jack has banned all Googling of romance-related topics, so all we know is that at some point in the near future women will get angry at men for not buying them heart shaped candy boxes. We guess that's just one of the many things you don't have to worry about when you spend seven days a week chained to a computer desk in a sub-basement with the door welded shut.

Happy Valentines day, everyone! And please, for the love of God, call the police!


If you enjoy sex, or really just life in general, a read through Brendan McGinley's column on sex injuries will ensure you never do again. After that, Soren Bowie will puncture your dreams of stardom with the things you never hear about being an actor. Luke McKinney looked at the most sexist costumes of the most sexist artistic medium while Christina detailed the rising art of sarcastic Amazon product reviews. Robert Brockway found the craziest men's magazines not made by Seanbaby while Adam Brown extolled the virtues of growing up fat. John Cheese wrote the most useful guide to fixing a computer that your parents will ever ignore, and Chris Bucholz took us on a journey down the path of vigilantism. Dan was last, with five great things the douchebags of the world have ruined for everyone.



DAILY DOOM
5 Seemingly Innocent Ways You've Screwed The World Today
The downside is, we're murdering the entire world. The upside is, we're going to have clean asses while we do it.


Notable Comment: "Or you could just accept that global warming is a giant fraud and move on with your life?"

Oh thank God. It's okay, everyone! No need to worry about conserving water or lowering emissions. SmartMuffin says there's nothing to worry about. We weren't sure about him at first, but his exhaustively thorough research and nuanced arguments have convinced us of the error of our ways.



CHOICE BONING
5 Insignificant Things That Determine Who You Have Sex With
Keep your chin up, your ring finger long and your condoms oiled. (People oil condoms, right? That's a thing?)


Notable Comment: "I call bullshit. I am tall, scarred, I don't smile, my ring finger is long and I never approach anyone. So where are all the babes I'm meant to be getting? Huh? You know what I think? No? Well, I'll tell ya. I think these studies are being falsified intentionally so we all go around not getting laid, leaving all the sex unhad. Then, the horny nerdlingers use the good advice learned from their studies into how to get laid to swoop down on their sexy prey like horny, nerdy, chicken-hawks."

Wow, blaugh. This totally explains why all scientists are knee-deep in sexual organs.



MISPLACED HISTORY
5 Lost Photos That Could Have Changed History
Our history books would look very different if people were just a little better at filing.


Notable Comment: "Getting to the moon was the greatest technological achievement of the twentieth century? Wow, so wrong..."

Well HailtotheKiin, at the very least it's a toss-up between the Moon Landing, duct tape, and teledildonics.



PUBLIC FAILURE
The 6 Most Counterproductive PSAs of All Time
Really, most of these were doomed from the start. There's no way to make delicious snack cakes, sex and drugs look like they aren't fun. They wouldn't be addictive if they weren't fun.


Notable Comment: "Holy hell, that first lady in the VD commercial was a damned fox. She seemed like a stuck up b-word, but nevertheless was amazingly gorgeous."

Well Jangles, it all depends on how many nights of antibiotics one mind-blowing orgasm is worth.



MUSICAL MIDDLE FINGER
The 6 Most Elaborate F-Yous From Musicians to the Industry
We'd say hating on the music industry is like shooting fish in a barrel, but people feel bad for fish.


Notable Comment: "I wonder if Henry Rollins would let me touch his 'microphone'?"

We bet he will, TheBaffler. But you might catch a bad case of feedback.





Natural Disastronauts
The Dark Secret Behind Quirky Romantic Comedies
They all listen to The Cure.


YOU YOU YOU!
27 Things You Never Noticed in Famous Video Ga
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, Romantic Relationships Explained via Chart, Painfully Honest Valentine's Day Cards and If Famous Websites Had Real World Locations. And new this week, Dialogue of Conversations Being Held in Famous Works of Art.
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