5 Red Velvet Mites Jerk Off Alone, Then Leave
When the time comes for the male red velvet mite to settle down and raise a family, it has an incredibly romantic method of attracting a mate. First, it seeks out the perfect love nest, just an out of the way little vacation spot with lots of leaves and branches and other stuff that lady mites love.
Then, it hoses the entire place down with its semen. It just comes everywhere. Did we say romantic? Really it's more like a college dorm room.
You do not want to hold a black light up to this image.
Next, it's time to find a girl. Luckily, the mite has already demonstrated its skills in creating a gloopy, dripping modern art masterpiece. Ladies love an artist, so the mite leaves a trail of roses to what researchers like to refer to as a "love garden." Well, not really roses, but more like silk out of its butt.
Once the right sexy mite female has been found, the male says, "Alright, enjoy yourself! Bye!" and just goes ahead and leaves. No really, he's had his fun. When a female mite follows the trail, "sex" involves her sitting in the goopy, spermy mess he left behind and getting inseminated. Happy honeymoon!
"No no, it's fine, go ahead and start without me!"
It's kind of like if our love ritual involved the guy masturbating onto the bed and then heading off to the bar while his wife rolled around in it for a while.
Still, it could be worse ...
4 Seed Beetles Get Their Lady Parts Destroyed During Sex
Imagine that you are a female bean weevil, also known as a seed beetle. You're really going to regret this in a minute, but bear with us. Picture yourself cruising down Seed Beetle Lane, where all of the studliest dudes hang out. After a particularly enticing courtship from one of the males, you take him back to your beetle bed inside of your bean house.
"Come on in, Big Boy."
With the candles lit and some Marvin Gaye on the stereo, things start to heat up in Bean Manor. You start to disrobe, and then he whips it out and JESUS CHRIST!
Look at it! Loooooook at it!!!
That is, as science puts it, the "nightmarish penis" of the male seed beetle. It's a godawful doom-rod covered in sharp spikes and spines. This medieval torture device is about to go places you really don't want it to go.
You may be thinking that it probably isn't as bad as it looks, and maybe this is just what turns seed beetles on. But rest assured, it is every bit as bad as it looks. Female seed beetles sustain "heavy injuries" during sex, and all of their reproductive organs get severely damaged. They have even been known to die from it.
This poor young hatchling will soon learn the meaning of female suffrage.
Scientists believe that the male has evolved his murder-dick expressly for that reason. To injure you. Because if females can never mate again, then only his offspring get to live on to commit unholy atrocities via their own death wangs.