#2. Some Guys the Green Lantern Got Fired -- Green Lantern
Superheroes are supposed to be the morally correct saviors of our society. That's why Batman refuses to kill the Joker, even though he's a murderous psychopath. We expect all our superheroes to use their great powers with great responsibility.
That's why the latest Green Lantern movie was so baffling. In the movie, Hal Jordan is leaving a bar with his new Green Lantern ring, minding his own business, when suddenly he's confronted by three very pissed-off guys. We find out that Jordan cost these guys their jobs earlier and that they want payback. Outnumbered, Hal gets his ass handed to him for about half a minute before the men decide -- and this is important -- not to murder him.
Oh, tell us you weren't disappointed that the movie wasn't two and a half hours of just this.
But Hal Jordan, being the new superhero that he is, decides that he isn't finished with them just yet. He gets up and tries to swing a punch at one of them while they're walking away. He inadvertently activates his ring and sends the three men flying through the air and crashing into, and then through, various hard surfaces, including a goddamn brick wall.
We admit that we're not experts on bricks. They're supposed to be soft and breakable, right?
OK, but movies do this all the time. It shows you the guys getting their asses kicked by the good guy, and then it pulls to a wide shot to show them groaning in the rubble so you know they're all right. Green Lantern does go to a wide shot to show us the damage, but it forgets to reassure us that the characters are OK, instead having the guys who have just rocketed through a brick wall lay completely still like the dead bodies that physics says they should actually be.
At least they kept the bodies human-shaped instead of the loose bag of liquefied organs that they would be.
Those are the guys moments later, lying motionless. Bear in mind that the third guy was thrown through a brick wall. If that doesn't scream brain death, you've probably just been thrown through a brick wall and should get to a hospital in zero seconds, stat.
Unfortunately for you, you didn't suffer your brain death in front of a guy with the ability to fly at supersonic speeds. But these three guys could all be transported to the emergency room they all so desperately need by the accidental murderer who just did this to them.
Instead, Hal just expresses surprise at how easy it is to murder three guys at once, and then he's whisked away to the Green Lantern planet, where he gets to learn how to use his power to not accidentally murder stuff. We never see or hear from the three guys who got to be the crash test dummies in his superpower driver's exam.
But before you go feeling sorry for those guys, remember that they ganged up on Hal. Sure, it was because he cost them their jobs. And yes, they'd decided to take pity on him and were walking away when he ruthlessly murdered them. But, y'know, three against one.
At least he hadn't discovered his full powers yet. It could have been worse.
#1. Dozens of New Yorkers -- King Kong (2005)
King Kong is the classic tale of a movie producer who discovers a giant ape, but instead of pissing his pants, manages to capture the thing and put it on exhibit. Because this movie is made for both male and female audiences, the writers were forced to thrown in a love story. So, taking the obvious route, they had King Kong fall in love with Naomi Watts.
Bestiality has never been so accepted.
Unfortunately for King Kong, and even more unfortunately for Manhattan, Naomi Watts boycotts the event where he's being showcased. When Kong doesn't see her in the audience, he escapes and goes giant ape shit on the city that never sleeps, thrashing around like a drunken sailor on leave in Legoland.
Realizing that he's the closest thing this movie has to an action hero, Adrien Brody springs into action. Brody knows that Kong will only stop killing everyone if he gets to Naomi Watts. He also knows that the giant ape hates him and will follow him if they make foreboding eye contact. So after commandeering a cab, Brody drives between Kong's legs and flashes his coldest ice grill while keeping his hands at 2 and 10 on the steering wheel like his driving instructor told him.
"Remember: Be alert! Accidents hurt!"
He and the beast make eye contact, and Brody hangs a sick U-turn and takes off across the city. His plan is apparently to lead Kong to the only thing that he loves, but unfortunately for Brody's status as a legitimate action star, his plan has more than a few details that are less than heroic. For instance, showing his face to the already pissed-off beast only pisses him off more. Consequently, every car that he and Kong pass along the way gets Donkey Kong punched in the way you don't bounce back from.
"Whoops, my bad!"
There's also the fact that he didn't have to make Kong chase him in the first place. If he knew where Watts was, he should have driven across town to find her and brought her back. That way, Watts actually gets to decide whether or not she wants to heroically flirt Manhattan out of a brand new asshole. Instead, Brody brings the beast to her, making it more of a virgin-sacrifice situation.
"Hey! Come back! I'm just trying to tell you that you left your blinker on!"
Most significantly, we're pretty sure driving a cab back and forth across town is easier and less damaging when you're not being followed by a gigantic angry monster. Even if you take the many, many people Kong kills out of the equation, we're pretty sure Brody would have been a less distracted driver. For instance, unless he's the worst driver ever, he probably wouldn't have pulled up onto the sidewalk and mowed down a series of innocent pedestrians.
Nobody ever said Adrien Brody would be good at this action movie thing.
For more dick moves from Hollywood, check out 6 Movies That Didn't Realize They Let The Villain Win and The 5 Most Easily Avoidable Movie Deaths.