Evolution is the art of producing the deadliest, meanest, most efficient beasts possible. But it's not a perfect process: For every great white shark, grizzly or honey badger, there's a slew of animals rolling fatly around the reject pile, just waiting to be killed and eaten (and if you don't hurry, some of them will even do it themselves). So let's go Dumpster diving in evolution's trash bin, shall we?
7Black Vultures Loooooove Them Some Anus
It's pretty hard to disgust a vulture. Hey, if you survived on a diet of rotten corpses and used your own shit as an air-conditioning system, you'd get an iron stomach pretty quick, too. But even in the Garbage Pail Kid hierarchy of vulture grossness, somebody's got to be at the bottom of the barrel. And you don't get closer to the bottom than the anus. Just ask the black vulture.
Ask him from a distance.
Black vultures have weaker beaks than raptorial birds, and as a consequence they can't crack through the tough hides and solid bones of a carcass. So they have to attack the softest body parts of their victims first -- the anus and eyeballs. No, that's not the gross part. You can't handle the gross part. Just ... there's some good stuff later about exploding penises -- maybe that's more your speed. Go check that out.
You really want to know? All righty. You insisted. Once the butthole buffet is depleted, the black vulture then burrows in through the devoured rectum to get at the rest of the tender innards. Think about that: Every time they get hungry, they have to dig an asshole tunnel using their mouths instead of shovels. If you really want to understand the plight of the black vulture, here's a fun little experiment: The next time you microwave a bean-and-cheese burrito, try poking a hole in one end and then shoving your whole head in there to eat it from the inside out, because the textures are probably pretty similar and -- oh goddamn it. We just ruined burritos for everybody, didn't we?
They were delicious, we know. We're so sorry.
We usually start at the stomach, but now their cold, dead ass just sits there, judging us.
6The Spotted Hyena and the Phantom Penis
Spotted hyenas are different from other species in that their females run the society. For all of you misogynists out there thinking that "it takes a dong to run a nation," you are, sadly, right in this instance: Hyena chicks have dicks.
"Woah, wow. This ... this will cost extra, right?"
To understand how hyena society results in becocked females, you need to know three basic biological facts:
1) The more aggressive a female is, the more likely she is to pass on her genes.
2) The chemical that causes females to be more aggressive is called androgen.
3) This also happens to be the same chemical that causes male hyena embryos to become, well, male.
"Yup. Beat it to death with my girl-penis."
As a result, the female spotted hyena sports a clitoris that is 7 inches long, with a "pseudo-scrotum" and a birth canal that runs right up the middle. While this factoid may have finally won Cracked that prized hyena transsexual enthusiast demographic, it causes some pretty serious problems for the animals in question. For one thing, nabbing yourself a dick that should not be doesn't necessarily free you from the burden of childbirth: Remember what we said about the birth canal running through the near-penis? That means a 2-pound cub is, at some point, going to tear its way out of some poor hyena's girl-wang. Unsurprisingly, about 10 percent of female spotted hyenas die during childbirth -- from complications or straight-up suicide, we couldn't say.
"Look me in the eyes and tell me why I shouldn't eat you right now."