We all had that one rich kid in class growing up -- he was the first to get the new video game systems when they arrived, and he didn't have to make a "fortress" for his action figures out of a cardboard box and old egg cartons -- he had the real thing.
It's hard not to wish you could, just once, relive childhood as that rich kid who had everything. If by some sorcery that should ever occur, we already have our shopping list made out:
#6. A BB Gun That Could Kill a Predator ($3,500)
This might be the only airsoft gun you could actually stop a home invasion with.
The Echo1 (CAW) M134 Minigun is possibly the most expensive toy gun on the planet (and if it isn't, we'll be extremely depressed for the human race). At a retail price of $3,500, its only practical purpose seems to be giving its owner the ability to boast about it on YouTube. Speaking of which, watch what it does to this perfectly good laptop:
"OK, now let's put it on YouTube ... wait, shit."
The Echo1 is powered by an actual motorcycle battery and the kinetic energy produced by the boner of the guy shooting it. It can fire anywhere between 3,000 and 6,000 rounds per minute, which gun aficionados refer to as "a shitload of dead squirrels." For added realism, it comes packaged in an actual weapons crate and can be hooked up to a backpack "similar to the one seen in Predator with Jesse 'The Body' Ventura." That is an actual quote from the website that sells them, which also states that it was made by "totally wicked awesome ninjas in Japan."
Yeah, we didn't need to be told that. Some things are just a given.
Now, even though this is basically an overgrown BB gun, we're not saying anyone would actually hand one to a child ...
"Now go back up to the house and gather the servants. I have an idea for a game."
OK, so what would a kid, or overgrown kid, shoot with this thing? How about ...
#5. Life-Size Action Figures ($1,000 to $12,000)
There are lots of insanely expensive action figures out there, but they're mostly just rare collector's items that you wouldn't actually want to play with -- stuff like an original edition of the butt-chin guy who appears in the Star Wars cantina for two seconds. If we were to spend thousands of dollars on an action figure, we'd like something you can actually get into a physical fight with -- like the $3,000 "Mini" Giant Gundam released by Bandai ("Gundam" translates to "Awesome Fucking Robot"), which is 5 feet tall and boasts 14 movable body parts, including its finger joints.
More importantly, it also comes packed with several interchangeable guns, one of which is a freaking light saber.
The coffin of a child adorns his other arm.
Other bonus features include rocket-launching sound effects and the frightening ability to blink on remote control (known by future historians as the moment we doomed our race). Of course, this thing is completely worthless if you can't use it to stage massive backyard fights against something, and we're guessing your old TMNT villains aren't gonna cut it anymore. So how about some ride-on dinosaurs for about $1,000 a piece?
Whoever that kid is, he just won the "having a childhood" game.
Toy manufacturer Hansa specializes in enormous, fully poseable plush toys for rich people with giant babies, apparently. Besides the usual giant horses, giraffes and bears, they've also branched out into extinct or fictional creatures, like this woolly mammoth or this huge, impossibly cool $12,000 dragon:
Seriously, we would betray our own species to have that.
Oh, and for a few extra dollars, you can make these fuckers move. Shit, at this point your Gundam's gonna need some help to take care of these things -- a perfect excuse to shell out $6,000 more on your own life-size Terminator.
Nerd sold separately.
It features glowing red eye action, two guns and movable arms, but sadly, the legs are fixed to the base, meaning that, no, you can't make it ride on top of the dragon.
#4. Luxury Cars for Kids ($29,000 to $97,000)
Cars for Children
It's never too early to learn how to compensate.
This isn't just some useless room decoration that rich people buy their kids simply to prove how rich they are -- it has a working engine. It's an actual miniature car, and it's probably better than yours.
The Ferrari Testarossa Two Seater Car for Kids is currently priced at $97,395 and has a top speed of 17 mph. It features fancy-looking upholstery, retractable headlights and even a tape player, as if your kid even knows what a tape is. Turns out that junior Ferraris are pretty popular in Europe: Check out this footage of a little kid driving an Italian model down the street.
"Don't stop at the light -- they'll try to clean your windshield and expect some money."
He's like 8, and this already makes him a more accomplished adult than us. We're guessing that the lady beside him is his trophy wife. On the other hand, if you're concerned less with luxury and more with performance (and blatant parental negligence), for only $29,000 you can get this:
Years of therapy and social detachment.
The LeMans Junior Race Car has a top speed of 30 mph. That could get your kid arrested for speeding in some residential areas. The specifications page lists a number of impressive features, none of which are seat belts.
But maybe your only aim is getting your kid the hell out of your house. In that case, we recommend the Junior Off Roader, which, in addition to being prepared for dirt roads, comes with an optional camper trailer attachment for a combined total of only $66,000. The trailer itself could comfortably house a family of dwarfs.
Cars for Children
Or one adorable meth lab.
And it's not just these three models -- Mobileation.com's Luxury Car Lot section has a whole bunch of fully functional cars for kids available for anyone with too much money and not enough common sense. What this really means is that when the moment comes for these kids to do the inevitable "I'm leaving home" routine, by the time they get scared and decide to turn back, they'll probably be in another state.
"Fuck, I knew I heard a helicopter! Quick, ditch the coke!"
Man, what happened to the simpler days, when all a kid needed was a bunch of G.I. Joes? Yeah, about that ...