4Party All Night
The Church of Scientology, perhaps most well-known for their ability to have good ideas and execute them in a sane fashion, decided to get in on that lucrative "public betterment" market. So they created Drug Free World, a campaign warning teenagers about the dangers of recreational drugs.
This is the main character of their PSA, and our impending cautionary tale:
Implicit message: Cute girls are into drugs.
Look at her! She's pretty, healthy and well put-together. Man, that's going to make her inevitable fall so much worse. She's probably going to start bleeding from the eyes any second now.
"At least you're not in a work safety PSA. Come back with all your limbs."
Oh, OK, she uh ... she has a nice home life, too. Whoooo boy. It's gonna be rough when they abandon her to a crack house.
Now her equally pretty, happy friends arrive in a nice car and start doing coke with her. OK, here we go. This is the turn:
She's having a great time at the party, really cutting loose, when oh no -- she falls into the pool! Probably drowns horribly, clawing at the floor, too fucked up to realize she's upside down and -- oh wait.
Her thetans have dried her from the inside.
No, OK. That one was a fake out. She's totally fine ... for now. She just changes and goes right back out with her friends.
And wait ... life of the party again? Cocaine sure is letting her have a lot of fun before it ruins her life.
Aaaaand ... Ke$ha!
Ah, here we go: She's having a minor freakout in the bathroom. The overdose is next, surely there's about to be a horrific overdose and --
The Spring/Summer catwalk collection by Coke and Chanel.
Nope. She's up and walking just fine. All of her cokehead friends are not only still with her, but deeply concerned, despite the fact that she's walking into the hospital under her own power, instead of, say, being rolled from the car as it whips through the ambulance lane.
Now she cries a single tear.
Guess her friends went to score more cocaine.
And sits alone in the waiting room. Here's the young girl's damning parting lines: "They said if I did coke, I could party all night. They lied."
Why It Makes the Subject Matter Look Awesome:
She's right, it didn't let her party all night ... just most of it. If anything, this PSA seems to be implying that you shouldn't do coke because it wears off too quickly.
Let's break it down: In the first half of the PSA, coke does nothing but bring her closer to her friends and allow her to let her hair down. It makes her seem cooler and more adult, and allows her to form a personal identity separate from her parents. It's basically a social shoehorn.
We're guessing her parents paid for the shoehorn. too.
The second half of the PSA -- the "awful downside" -- makes coke seem like the perfect expression of teen angst. She overdid it a little bit and didn't have an amazing time for the last hour of the party and now -- the poor girl -- she's basically suffocating in all of this love and attention. There aren't any lasting consequences, and although her lipstick is a little smeared, it's more in a "pretty punk" kind of way, rather than a "I mistook this dogshit for eyeliner" style. She self-destructs gorgeously, vomit-free and still ready to hit the town after.
We wonder if "cocaine" is just another term for "too many Jagerbombs."
Think about it: What teenage girl doesn't want to be a beautiful tragedy? If you slap a vampire up in this bitch, you'd have tweens lining up around the block to get in.
3Cookie Monster PSA
Cookie Monster is perhaps the ideal character to speak to small children about healthy eating habits because, much like the children themselves, he is a totally amoral abomination who has no problems destroying large amounts of property in pursuit of temporary gratification. Or maybe he wasn't quite so ideal, because back in 1974, this is how it played out:
CM sits in an unnamed restaurant while an off-screen reporter asks him if he is eating cookies. He replies in the negative. The reporter, intrigued, asks what he is eating then.
"Raw veal and dolphin caviar."
A dramatic pause ensues, and Cookie Monster lifts up the lid on his platter, revealing:
Meat and fish, which, he explains, will help him become strong. The French waiter delivers another platter, and the same scenario plays out, except that this time:
Cookie Monster is eating vegetables, which will help make him healthy. Repeat scene, you get the idea. And once he's done pecking at a healthy diet for 30 seconds, a god damn dump truck full of cookies drives up behind him and turns the air itself into chocolate chips:
"FUCK FRUIT, I ONLY DID THIS TO FEED MY CRIPPLING HABIT."
Cookie monster screeches "COOKIES!!!" and gorges on the sugary treats like an addled fiend, desperately trying to fill the void inside of him with food (a futile gesture, of course; that void is where the hand goes).
Why It Makes the Subject Matter Look Awesome:
Even in the PSA -- where he's at his most restrained and health-conscious -- Cookie Monster still eats at least seven times as many cookies as healthy food. So even if the kids listen to your commercial and model their behavior after Cookie Monster's diet -- which, remember, you're telling them is the healthy way to eat -- they're going to wind up reluctantly taking one small nibble of fish, one nibble of vegetables and then devouring six sleeves of Oreos while screaming at the top of their lungs.