#3. Man Fakes a Hate Crime to Save His Marriage
You know how sometimes your wife serves you with divorce papers and your first impulse is to get her back by staging a horrific hate crime that will scare the shit out of her? LB Williams is right there with you. To keep his marriage together, he set a cross on fire smack dab in the middle of his own lawn, complete with a note from the KKK warning his future ex-wife that she "better not leave that [N-word].")
Confused? We probably should have mentioned that LB is black and his wife, Donna, is white.
Oh, wait. That actually just makes it more confusing.
Though to be fair, the first part of LB's plan worked like a hate crime charm. Donna was understandably shocked and scared that the KKK had done such a horrifying thing to them. Until she realized that the Ku Klux Klan is not known for violently supporting interracial marriages. What's more, when police began to investigate the supposed crime, they noticed that the cross had been meticulously placed on the lawn in such a spot so as to not burn up the driveway or otherwise damage the house. Since when was the KKK this considerate?
"We've really been working on improving our public image."
The cops got around to questioning LB, who quickly fessed up to the shenanigans, saying they were the desperate acts of a desperate man. A desperate man who used an emotionally charged symbol of hate and terror to woo his wife.
#2. Hit Man Falls in Love With His Target, Fakes Her Death
So your husband is having an affair. You have a few options: You could A) get a divorce B) ignore the affair and take a lover, because you've always wanted to take a lover or C) murder the shit out of someone. For the truly insane, C is the only answer. Which was what jilted wife Maria Nilza Simoes decided to do when she discovered that her husband was boinking someone on the side.
"If I divorce him, I only get half his stuff."
Not knowing any first rate assassins, Maria hired an unemployed ex-con to kill her husband's girlfriend. For all we know, she found him on Craigslist under the "Dumb as Balls" section. After all, it's not like you can just order up a murderer out of the L.L. Bean catalog. She did the best she could. Which is important to remember when you find out what bullshittery happened next.
The unfortunately named hit man, Carlos Roberto de Jesus, finds Lupita, the lover, and discovers that she's his childhood friend. He can't murder the girl he once raced down gentle rolling hills in slow motion with, so Carlos does the next best thing: He convinces her to douse herself in ketchup and pose like she was straight up murdered. And she does!
The Daily Mail
"I appreciate your dedication to realism, but soiling yourself was really unnecessary."
No one told her that the knife-under-the-arm trick only works in profile. No one told Mrs. Cheated On either, because the picture totally convinced her that the mistress was dead. Maybe she thought the knife in the armpit was the remains of a "Just Murdered" sign conveniently used to label corpses.
In either case, Carlos claimed his money and Maria went back to her life of not getting enough affection from her husband. Until a few days later, when Maria saw her hired assassin "canoodling" with the dead woman in the marketplace.
"I said get rid of the body, not Weekend at Bernie's it!"
With her pride taking a hit and obviously not thinking this through, she reported them both to the police for fraud. You don't need a law degree to see the flaw in her logic here. While indeed the couple was being investigated for fraud and extortion, Maria is now being charged with issuing death threats. Because duh.
It's not all bad, though. While facing the embarrassment of being labeled "ketchup woman," Lupita the lover is being championed for a possible seat in the local town hall. If there's one thing people in her town value, it's a woman who will play a corpse covered in ketchup.
#1. Man and Wife Live Like Cavemen, for Love
Fifty years ago, Liu Guojiang was a 19-year-old Chinese kid who fell in love. But to the dismay of his family and the delight of local gossips, the object of Liu's affections was Xu Zhaoqing, a widowed woman who was 10 years older than he was. In other words, a cougar. Back in those days, there was only one thing to do when you fell in love with a cougar: suicide by wrestling an actual cougar imported from the Americas. Liu and Xu decided to run away to a cave on the side of a mountain instead. And they lived there for 50 years.
You're probably thinking, "Eh ... so they lived in a cave. So did my ancestors. How bad could it be?" Deliberately leaving behind plumbing, electricity and, for the most part, food to be with the one you love is pretty dramatic. In the beginning, Xu and Liu had nothing but roots, grasses and sex juice to sustain them.
Mostly sex juice.
Liu even managed to bring some crude versions of big city amenities to the couple's new home. Like stairs. In order to help his wife get around the mountain, Liu hand-carved 6,000 steps into the side of the mountain, with nothing more than a chisel and his devotion to his wife to chip them. Now don't you feel stupid for breaking up with your girlfriend over who was the best Doctor in Doctor Who?
"I will knock you down these stairs if you say 'The Sixth Doctor' one more time!"