6 Abandoned Places That Will Make Awesome Supervillain Lairs

#3. Maunsell Sea Forts


So you're sailing in your luxurious submarine/yacht/mer-robot just off the English coast. The weather is fine, the sun is shining and the kidnapped daughter of the rich archduke is showing the first signs of Stockholm syndrome. You even got to use your AK; today was a good day. Then your murder-yacht comes to a screeching halt. You've hit something, but what? What could be just sitting out here in the middle of the open water? And that's when you see it. A warm feeling washes over you, and you know -- you just know, deep in your black little heart -- that you've finally found home.

"I shall call it Tetanus upon Sea."

The Maunsell Sea Forts are an arrangement of old sea bunkers off the shores of England, just begging for Aquaman to try and lay siege to them. In the past, they have acted as pirate radio headquarters and data havens (this is where Sealand is), but they were originally constructed in 1942 to be used as anti-aircraft stations. Which incidentally means that cannon, death ray and man-a-pult installation possibilities were all incorporated into their very design.

"Walk the plank? No no, you'll be flung from the plank."

Each of the forts consists of seven stilted 300-ton buildings, with the central fortress being the operational center and the surrounding six acting as giant gun platforms. Their 120-strong personnel originally moved between the towers using narrow catwalks that, if restored, would make a fantastic spot for a rain-drenched mad speech or a dramatic final showdown.

"We're so alike, you and I! We both get sniffly when wet."

And don't worry if that bastard Baron Barren snatches it up first: There are two identical forts -- the Redsands and Shivering Sands -- not too far from one another, plus the Knock John Naval Fort. Aw, hell yes! They've even got the possibility for intra-supervillain warfare, conveniently located!

"Why fight among ourselves when we can fight the rising sea levels? Come, fellows, to the protest march!"

#2. The Augarten Flak Tower

That soulless monstrosity up there, towering ominously over an otherwise peaceful park, ready to unleash unspeakable evil should anybody attempt to "ultimate" a Frisbee in its dominion, is the Augarten flakturm VII G. It is the most sinister of three sets of World War II-era bunkers located all around the central parks of Vienna, Austria. But wait, what the hell is a structure that sexy doing in a refined, stuffy place like Vienna?

The answer is simple: Nazis.

Nazis?! Gasp! In the sinister utilitarian bunker in Austria? Who could have known!?

Flakturm VII G is one of several flak towers constructed by Hitler (literally -- he personally took part in designing them) in 1942 to act as combined bomb shelters and anti-aircraft battlements against the Allied forces -- a job they carried out so well that when the Soviets later tried to demolish them in peacetime, their explosives only hurt the surrounding buildings. That's probably because the flak tower's walls are 15-feet-thick reinforced concrete. It was built to house up to 2,000 people, and its original firepower was, in scientific terms, totally ball-slapping insane. Also, the tower was and, with slight renovations, could easily still be totally autonomous, with its own electricity, air and water supply systems.

And its own limbs and sentient brain.

So, not only does it look like Sauron's summer palace, but the flakturm is also conveniently central to a terrorizable populace, extremely spacious, invincibly fortified, direly ominous, capable of housing a huge amount of minions for extended periods ... but totally abandoned. If you need more incentive to invade this bastard, then maybe your mom was right and you should have opened that bakery, because you're clearly not cut out for this supervillainy thing.

"Get off my lawn! I'll bloody well throw my death laser at you, see if I don't!"

#1. No Man's Land Fort


That, henchmen, is the No Man's Land Fort -- a huge Victorian-era sea fortress sitting in the English Channel, roughly a mile and a half off the Isle of Wight. It was built between 1867 and 1880, and no expense was spared in its construction: The whole thing ended up costing a cool $43 million (adjusted for inflation). More than a century later, after seeing action as a set location for Doctor Who, No Man's Land was sold to businessman Harmesh Pooni, who converted it into a luxury hotel.

Daily Mail/Mike Walker
Sure, and that's a "therapeutic shark pool."

Among its features are two helicopter pads, five bars, 21 extremely well-equipped bedrooms, a roof garden and its own functioning lighthouse.

Guardian/Mike Walker
Otherwise how would Superman ever find your base?

Man, that doesn't need "converting" into a supervillain lair; that's just an "unpack your bags and start drunkenly firing your shrink ray at the moon" lair.

What's more, the fort has already seen successful "one man versus the world" action. When someone discovered legionella bacterium in the pipes, Pooni went bankrupt. KPMG, the company currently tasked with the fortress' administration, took a slack-jawed, unimaginative look at the place and put it up for sale. Pooni, however, had decided that he wasn't having any of it: He barricaded himself in the fortress the first chance he got, presumably long since driven mad by the very proper British ghosts within.

Daily Mail/Mike Walker
"I say. Boo."

Oh, and the fort? Still totally up for sale. So what are you waiting for? Toss some chlorine in the shark pool, knock that spotlight down to make room for your favorite laser in the lighthouse, make sure only the more disposable henchmen drink from the taps and you're ready to show them -- you're ready to show them all.

Daily Mail
Show them all your dead, dead rocket sharks.

Pauli Poisuo's supervillain lair may or may not be under your bed. To be on the safe side, go read his other Cracked articles and blog.

For more locations fitting for an evildoer, check out The 6 Creepiest Places on Earth and 6 Incredible Real-World Supervillain Lairs.

And stop by LinkSTORM to learn how to build a chair like The Claw's.

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