'The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo' In Under 5 Minutes

FADE IN:

INT. PALE GREEN MILLENNIUM MAGAZINE HEADQUARTERS

DANIEL CRAIG is discussing his recent PUBLIC SHAMING with ROBIN WRIGHT.

DANIEL CRAIG

I've just gotten out of court for committing libel against Ulfrasen Fribergsgatu. Do you want me to discuss the court case for what will feel like hours?

ROBIN WRIGHT

Wait, isn't that the part of the book that's responsible for everyone saying "Yeah, it's a good book once you get past the first 100 pages"? No, it has literally never been this easy to make a movie that's better than the book, just get on with it.

DANIEL CRAIG

Alright then. But first, a random Nine Inch Nails video!

We cut to a JAMES BOND TITLE SEQUENCE ON MUSHROOMS.

KAREN O

Ahheeeaahhhhhhhhhh-aaaahhhh!

Come to the film that's really slow;

Where the story plods and the accents blow!

INT. PALE BLUE HEDEBY ISLAND, HEDESTAD, SWEDEN

DANIEL CRAIG is meeting with CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Welcome to my island, Daniel. I am hiring you to investigate the disappearance of my 10-year-old blonde niece 40 years ago. You will have to interrogate my family, who all live on this island, except one 50-year-old blonde woman.

DANIEL CRAIG

Sounds easy enough. Tell me about everyone.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Let's just say that the many ex-Nazis are the least unlikeable members of my family.

DANIEL CRAIG

I will solve this mystery since I, just like the novelist Stieg Larsson, am a brilliant journalist! As it happens, I am also a dashing playboy who all women want.

CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

Subtle.

DANIEL begins investigating by looking at a FUCKTON OF PHOTOGRAPHS.

Meanwhile ...

INT. PALE YELLOW YORICK VAN WAGENINGEN'S OFFICE

ROONEY MARA enters and sits down, but totally doesn't give a shit about it because fuck you, man.

YORICK VAN WAGENINGEN

Rooney, you've been declared mentally incompetent by the state because your hair is weird and your earrings look kinda like the aforementioned hair. As a result I've been assigned as your guardian to manage all of your finances, which I'm more than happy to do after putting my greasy wiener in your mouth.

ROONEY MARA

I'll do this, but only because being emotionally scarred is the easiest way to add a shred of complexity to an invincible ass-kicking ninja bisexual superhacker.

YORICK VAN WAGENINGEN

Holy shit, that worked? In that case, I'm going to tie you down and violently sodomize you as well.

ROONEY MARA

Hey, rape is one thing, but anal rape is crossing the line! Now I will seek revenge by sodomizing you with a steel dildo and tattooing you with the list of movie roles you will never be offered because you took this one!

This HAPPENS, and everyone in the AUDIENCE who came to see this the day after CHRISTMAS becomes filled with regret.

INT. PALE BLUE HEDEBY ISLAND, HEDESTAD, SWEDEN

DANIEL continues investigating CHRISTOPHER'S FAMILY. He interviews STELLAN SKARSGARD.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

The girl who went missing was my sister. She was very bright and set to inherit the family business, but then she disappeared and I took over instead.

DANIEL CRAIG

If this were some sort of dumb Hardy Boys book, I'd say you're the obvious killer. But since this is adapted from a critically acclaimed best-seller, it must be much more complex.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

It's safe to say you can expect more from the guy who directed Fight Club and The Social Network, right?

DANIEL CRAIG

Surely. I'm going to need a research assistant. And since this movie is already an hour in, maybe it should be the title character.

DANIEL goes to visit ROONEY MARA.

DANIEL CRAIG

I'd like your help in tracking down a serial killer. He seems to combine the ridiculous code-based clues of David Fincher's Zodiac killer with the religious zealotry of David Fincher's Se7en killer.

ROONEY MARA

Since I'm a supergenius, I've memorized all of the clues you have, including the ones you didn't show me. Wait a second, why are you the only actor in the movie who was allowed to keep your English accent? This is bullshit, I worked with a vocal coach for weeks!

DANIEL CRAIG

Oh, sorry. Shporken, forgen, bork!

ROONEY and DANIEL slowly uncover clues by staring in disbelief at photographs on their laptops and then explaining their discoveries to the AUDIENCE by way of the nearest PRINCIPAL CAST MEMBER.

ROONEY MARA

Hey, I'm trying to concentrate over here, can someone turn down the fucking soundtrack? I know Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross are proud of their ability to put a microphone in a tiny room with 50 keyboards and a couple of cats, but Jesus.

DANIEL CRAIG

Hey, one of these photographs has our disappearing girl looking afraid of someone across the street. Luckily, despite the odds against this, someone else was taking a picture directly behind her at that exact 1/50 of a second.

ROONEY MARA

So all we need is for the lady who took that picture 40 years ago to still have it and be able to find it among her collection of empty mayonnaise jars and National Geographics from the '80s!

DANIEL CRAIG

It's CSI for people who understand computers even less! We should be able to solve this right around when the audience members start cupping their hands around their cellphones to see what time it is.

ROONEY MARA

(gets naked)

Since this is a Stieg Larsson book, I assume all men are sex-crazed animals. Let's fuck.

DANIEL CRAIG

Well, girls who get brutally ass-raped typically go on to have normal, healthy sexual relationships with men afterward, so there's no way this is a really, really, really bad idea.

They SCREW.

DANIEL CRAIG

Oh shit! I just realized we haven't had one of those scenes where each murder is placed on a map in order to jump to some far-fetched conclusion!

ROONEY MARA

I'm on it. Should we use this this as an opportunity to show off my hacking skills or should I just generally act like an asshole alien to everyone with whom I come in contact?

DANIEL CRAIG

We've already had to pay both Apple and Microsoft enough, just be a bitch.

ROONEY MARA

Okay. Get bent, you fucking fuck fucker.

DANIEL breaks into the home of the person he suspects the most at the time when he is prepared to fight him the least.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

Bwa-ha-ha! I am a murderer after all!

DANIEL CRAIG

That's so unsatisfying!

STELLAN SKARSGARD

But not of the girl you're looking for!

DANIEL CRAIG

That's even worse!

STELLAN ties DANIEL up in his UNUSED SET PIECE FROM SAW III while listening to ENYA, because AMERICAN PSYCHO was a GOOD MOVIE.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

Before I kill you, I'm going to unzip your pants, since normally I bring women in here and it's habit. It's actually pretty funny that that's the real reason, but you do NOT want to be the one person in the theater who laughs during this scene.

DANIEL CRAIG

You'll never get away with this! Rooney is going to figure out the exact same thing as me at the exact same time, so in order for her character to not be completely worthless she'll have to rescue me!

ROONEY MARA

It's true. I'd like to kill you, but since you didn't rape me, it seems weird.

STELLAN SKARSGARD

(has car accident; dies)

ROONEY MARA

That'll teach you. Killing dozens of immigrant girls is one thing, but killing a white girl is crossing the line!

DANIEL CRAIG

Actually, I'm not sure he killed her. He said he didn't, and frankly I have no reason not to believe him, he seems like a stand-up guy.

ROONEY MARA

Maybe that one family member who hasn't really been in the movie knows where she is. I could hack her computer, since doing so is completely effortless and allows me to stream someone's desktop to my machine with infinite bandwidth.

ROONEY installs BACK ORIFICE and determines that the missing girl is alive and well and JOELY RICHARDSON.

JOELY RICHARDSON

Yeah, you got me. I ran away because my father was a serial murderer and then my brother also became a different serial murderer.

ROONEY MARA

Typical. Honestly, what family doesn't have a bunch of Nazis and a handful of serial killers?

DANIEL CRAIG

Well, they're dead, so you can go home and stop tormenting Christopher Plummer by sending him artwork that makes him think a cold-blooded murderer is taunting him annually.

She DOES!

INT. PALE GREEN MILLENNIUM MAGAZINE HEADQUARTERS

DANIEL attempts to destroy ULFRASEN FRIBERGSGATU. The guy from the beginning of the movie, remember? Blond guy, took CRAIG to court? No? Well, he was a DICK.

DANIEL CRAIG

I really want to get revenge on Ulfrasen! If only there were some way to magically solve any narrative complication!

ROONEY hacks ULFRASEN with MYSQL.

AUDIENCE

Wait, what's going on? The movie ended when they found the missing girl. Why aren't the credits rolling? Was I supposed to be caring about Craig's career the whole time?

ROONEY steals all of ULFRASEN'S MONEY using WIGS. She gives it all to an OLD GUY who was in the movie for three seconds.

AUDIENCE

No. The movie is over. Stop ending. Stop it, Fincher.

ROONEY buys DANIEL a jacket but sees him hold ROBIN WRIGHT'S HAND, so she throws it in the garbage, rides home in the dark and cuts herself while listening to MARILYN MANSON.

DIRECTOR DAVID FINCHER

Soooo ... I don't know if you guys have seen the box office, but you may want to hold on to that money if you're planning on getting me to direct the other two books. A good time is coming up -- I've got a break between projects I actually give a shit about.

END