The 6 Sleaziest Ways Animals Are Mimicking Human Sexuality

#3. Birds Pimp Their Bachelor Pads


A pimped-out bachelor pad is basically an expensive way of saying "I enjoy sex with ladies." Red furniture, purple curtains, a mirror above the bed -- these items are all intended to convey the message that the guy who owns the apartment is open to the possibility of intercourse with a lady. Because, you know, men usually aren't.

Most animals aren't this sophisticated. Hell, most animals just piss on the ground and call it their home. We said "most," however, because there's one notable exception: the male bowerbird, a bird that specializes in turning its nest into a funky sex shrine.

There's actually a hot tub in there.

First, the bowerbirds will take weeks gathering stuff to decorate their new bower: Anything from rocks, berries and leaves to Coke cans, potato chip bags and discarded CDs can work. But they don't just randomly throw that shit together -- they actually take their sweet time arranging the various elements in the way most likely to attract lady bowerbirds. They are experts at turning any empty patch of dirt into a pussy magnet.

Sometimes they're not very subtle.

Bowerbirds clearly have a knack for interior decoration, but that doesn't mean they're pansies: They're highly competitive and will engage in some serious cockblocking by messing up their competitors' nests or stealing their decorations. They are also unusually intelligent, as evidenced by the fact that they actually arrange their bowers in such a way that they make themselves appear bigger (a technique every bachelor with a shaved crotch is familiar with). Bowerbirds will also kill small critters such as beetles to use them as bling, making them the only animal besides pretentious humans who will kill another animal solely for decorative purposes.

You'd think that after going through all that trouble to build these nests they'd actually live there, but nope, they use them exclusively for boning -- that's how devoted they are to their bachelor lifestyle. Not only that, once the place has fulfilled its purpose, they'll bail out on their one-night stand and leave her to raise their chicks alone.

Phil? ... Phil?

#2. Lots of Animals Can Be Homosexual (Not Just Penguins)


A few years ago, two male penguins from the Central Park Zoo made headlines by showing no interest whatsoever in mating with females and showing a lot of interest in mating with each other (also, doing just that). We learned, in what must have been the slowest news week in history, that the couple had become inseparable and that they even adopted a young penguin and raised it together. But then again, if this was news, that's because animals being gay isn't something that happens every day, right?


Gay sex may be a controversial topic for humans, but for the animal kingdom it's pretty much old hat. Homosexual activity has been observed in 1,500 species and is likely present in many, many more. These species range from turtles to bears to dogs to whales -- bonobo apes, for example, are largely bisexual. For once, heterosexuals are the ones who have trouble fitting in.

But animals are pretty dumb, you might say -- are they intentionally choosing partners of the same sex, or simply humping the closest thing they can find?


Nope, they definitely know what they like. For example, in one experiment in sheep sexuality, scientists placed a male ram in the vicinity of male and female sheep that had been deprived of sex (read: extremely horny). The ram had a ready and willing female standing right there ... and in 8 percent of the cases, he chose the sexual partner with a dong. That's right: According to this study, sheep are homosexual in at least as large a percentage as humans (about 8 percent for the animals, versus 8 percent of Americans who admit they've at least experimented).

Most sheep said it was just that one time in college.

But what if it's just a case of a species not having enough females to go around and the males turning prison gay until more show up? There's at least one species that proves that theory wrong: giraffes. You see, male giraffes have been observed having sex with other males even though 60 percent of giraffes are female. If a giraffe can't find a female to mate with it's probably because, like the gay penguins, they're simply not interested.

And speaking of the penguins, they're also not the only species that practices gay adoption. Plenty of animals do, though they're much more dickish about it. Some male black swans, for example, will woo and impregnate a female, secretly hating it all the way, then chase her away as soon as she lays the egg and hatch it with their gay lover. So that's another thing animals have in common with humans: Sometimes they can be real assholes, too.

#1. Male Spiders Use Deception to Get Laid

Thomas Shahan, Flickr

Common sense tells us that man is unique in nature in that he's the only animal who occasionally has to pretend to have a better job/a better car/no sexually transmitted diseases in order to mate. We've never seen a horse at a party pretending to be Bono's nephew so he can get laid. In fact, we've never seen a horse at a party.

However, it turns out douchebaggery isn't a human-exclusive trait. Apparently, spiders lie for sex, too.

"Oh, yeah, I'm totally not a spider. Yep, a human being, that's me, I have a 401(k) and eat gross human food. Let's do it."

More specifically, the nursery web spider does. A group of scientists who apparently watch horrifying creatures fucking for a living noticed that the sex lives of this type of spider were a little too humanlike for our comfort, starting with the fact that the males actually seduce the females by giving them gifts. When it feels like getting some, the male will take a dead fly or some other tasty treat, wrap it in silk and present it to the female as a gift. While the female is unwrapping her food, the male, wasting no time, will climb on top of her for some adult fun time.

But that's not the disturbing part. The scientists also found out that some of the male spiders would wrap up some garbage in their silk, then present it to a female as if it were a real gift. At this point the male has to try to get his business done as fast possible, because as soon as the female unwraps her (possibly literal) shit sandwich, she'll realize she's been duped and kick him out.

Spiders are also the second species to invent the roofie.

Mind you, all of this was observed in a laboratory under controlled conditions, but it still proves that spiders can be just as manipulative as us -- not to mention cheap. Seriously, was a dead fly really that expensive, buddy?

Many thanks to Kristi Harrison for contributing her uncommon knowledge of spider sex. You can visit Eddie's website here and watch his newest short film here.

For more ways animal shame humans, check out The 9 Most Mind-blowing Disguises in the Animal Kingdom and 6 Modern Technologies Animals Invented Millions of Years Ago/a>.

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