We've told you about the creepy ways in which animals are thinking like us, organizing like us and even driving vehicles like us ... but we know what you've been really wondering all along: Are there also disturbing ways in which their sex lives resemble ours?
The answer is yes, unfortunately. Also, you're a pervert.
#6. Spiders Give Back Rubs
The back rub is a strategic tool that allows you to initiate a sexual encounter with your partner without actually having to say the words "Hey, let's bone" (like dogs do, we assume). It's a win-win situation for everyone involved: The girl gets a scientifically proven relaxing treatment that can even cure some actual medical problems, while the dude greatly increases his chances of touching boobie later that night.
Thankfully the incidence rate of a female human devouring her lover is fairly low.
But it's only because we're so evolved and civilized that we've arrived at this ritual, right? Nope -- spiders do it, too. According to researchers, there are a few species of spider that have been observed massaging the backs of their partners before mating. Here's some footage of it, presumably taken from a hidden camera placed by the male spider himself.
C. Frank Stramer
If you feel this little guy crawling up your neck, don't worry, it just wants to fuck you.
One of the species that does this is the golden orb-weaver spider, where the male is so small compared to the female that he can actually climb all the way on top of her before putting silk on her back and spreading it around in massage motions. This might sound extremely romantic to you, but it has nothing to do with romance: It's all about survival.
Like we said, the female is way bigger than the male -- this means he has a lot to grab on to, but it also means that if she isn't in the mood for playing around or simply doesn't like the way he's doing it, she will eat him. Um, literally.
Dr. Raju Kasambe
We can't tell if he's being eaten or if she just pooped him. Either way, ouch.
So the massages are the male spider's way to make sure the female is as relaxed as possible before even attempting to bump uglies. Sex is dangerous business for these little dudes, but they don't even consider not doing it because, you know ... sex, you guys.
#5. Birds Scare Their Mates to Get Them All Hot and Bothered
The moment scary movies started being played was the moment a teenager brought a date to the theater in the hopes of scaring the shit out of her and making out. From Frankenstein to The Human Centipede, the same basic principle holds true: If you wait until she's all afraid and vulnerable, your chances of getting some action go up considerably. Everyone knows that, and that's the only reason Nightmare on Elm Street movies are still being made.
The latest one was just a series of audio cues on a blank screen, but nobody noticed.
But humans aren't the only ones that take advantage of this effect: Birds are doing the same thing. The splendid fairy-wren, a species from Australia, has basically figured out how to mount the equivalent of a horror movie show in the middle of the forest.
You see, when the male wren hears the call of its predator, the butcherbird (we assume the food chain order is determined exclusively by how badass their names are), they use a special call that, until recently, researchers couldn't figure out the purpose of. Why would the wren intentionally risk giving up its position when its predator is around? The answer, of course, is to get laid.
With a name like "splendid fairy-wren," it needs all the help it can get.
A group of investigators from the University of Chicago proved that female wrens are much more attentive to the male's song when it comes right after the predator's call, as opposed to when there's no danger around. It's like yelling "FIRE" in a crowded theater and taking advantage of the fact that everyone's paying attention to cut in and quickly say what you have to say (in this case, "I'll be right here if anyone wants some sex"). Or actually, since the predators that the birds are dealing with are real, it's like starting an actual fire in a theater and then pointing at your crotch as people run for the exit.
It doesn't work. Just take our word for it.
There's more. The researchers also found that the age or health of the bird made no difference whatsoever: All male wrens were as likely to use the special call, even if they stood absolutely no chances against the butcherbird. According to the experts, this could mean that the wren only places the call when it knows that the butcherbird is not out hunting, just strolling about. Nobody's in any real danger, but just the fact that a predator is close presumably gets the female wrens' blood pumping ... and that's when the male nonchalantly stretches his arm over to her seat and tries to grope some sideboob.
#4. Animals Can Have Fetishes and Sex Toys
There are few things in the world that man has not, at some point, managed to use for sexual pleasure -- but that's only a testament to our endless creativity. It's our inventiveness that makes us human, after all, and the long list of sometimes hilariously impractical fetishes we've accumulated over the ages are a prime example of that.
If that's the case, then some animals may be more human than we think. Turns out apes and dolphins aren't just some of the smartest species in the animal kingdom, they're also the nastiest.
Not with each other, though (as far as we know).
Chimpanzees are known for being pretty good at making and using tools, and it just so happens that some of those tools are for wanking. Female orangutans, for example, actually make their own instruments of sexual pleasure: As Petter Boeckman of the Norwegian Natural History Museum delicately put it, they "make dildos out of wood and bark."
They're also capable of having fetishes, apparently. Take Gabriel, a chimp at the Southwest National Research Center, who has developed an unusual attraction for shoes. According to witnesses, Gabriel masturbated "obsessively by rubbing his caretaker's leather boot."
Gorillas, in contrast, have a thing for latex.
But when it comes to fetishistic and humanlike freaky behavior, nothing beats the dolphin. These aquatic nymphomaniacs may look pretty wholesome, but they're actually prone to engaging in such activities as orgies and oral sex. Blow jobs are pretty common among many species, but dolphins turn it into an art form. A dolphin will get close to another's nether regions and make "low-pitched buzzing clicks" in a way that researchers say the dolphins find pleasurable. He's basically acting like a giant vibrator.
Even among dolphins, there are perverts who stand out: The Amazonian river dolphin seemingly fetishizes every hole and body part, including the nostrils. It's not that they can't figure out what hole to stick it in -- it's that they definitely enjoy fucking around like this as an alternative to traditional sex. What could be more human than that?
This dolphin is fucking peeing on itself to get off. Just like humans.