If nothing else, this website is devoted to helping you find a mate ... using science (as evidenced here, here and here). After all, attracting a partner is still a thankless chore full of wearing pants and pretending to care.
Or is it? Turns out there are even more things that get people to consider knowing us in the biblical way, and they're so subtle and random that pants-wearing just seems stupid now. Things like ...
Yep, the angle of your face is a strong determinant of how attractive people think you are. Now rest your head against the back of your chair and think about that for a second. BAM! We just improved your appearance to your potential romantic partners, and since pretty people don't need to think, we guess you're done for the day. To the burger depository!
We had to crop this picture carefully to avoid the ocean of boobs he's buried in.
Researchers at the University of Newcastle discovered this tilt effect when they showed volunteers in their study several computer-generated faces, both male and female, looking straight ahead but at various pitches (chin up or chin down).
Freak on or freak out.
The results were pretty clear. If a woman has her head tilted back, she's regarded as less feminine and less attractive; chin down, however, and suddenly she's more feminine to volunteers, and also hotter.
But the same neck strain for men had the opposite effect: They looked less masculine with their head tilted forward and, as you might expect, were consistently rated as less attractive. "Chin up was the money for dudes," Dr. Darren Burke, co-author of the study, never said, but could have if he wanted to.
"I can see right up your nose."
So how can the same head angle earn men and women completely different reactions? There are a few possibilities. The first is simple height statistics. Men are usually taller than women, if you hadn't heard. Hence, seeing the underside of someone's chin could somehow work out in women's minds as making them more masculine. Conversely, looking down on a person, physically, would be how a man usually sees women, making shortness a feminine trait, explaining perhaps why no one wants to date the tall girl in every sitcom ever.
But aside from wearing stilts or chopping your legs off, the only option for people lacking height or believing they're too tall is head tilting, which simulates the appearance of tallness or shortness.
Which is why most Danny DeVito films are shot by Roomba.
For men, tilting your head back also enhances, however slightly, the width of the jaw. A wider jaw, according to previous studies, indicates more testosterone. And more testosterone? Yeah, that's what ladies specifically looking for a roll in the hay find attractive.
Many of you out there may be in the habit of practicing your smile in the mirror because you think it will somehow make you acceptable to the opposite sex. You smile in pictures, you smile when you meet somebody -- it's how you put your best face forward.
"No, really, that's not patronizing. Studies say ... you're going to spit in my food, aren't you?"
It's another case of what works for men doesn't work at all for women. In a study specifically examining how emotional expressions influence attractiveness, participants looked at and rated photographs of members of the opposite sex expressing happiness, pride and shame.
But apparently not fashion sense.
Men, it turns out, were most attracted to the smiling woman up there, but found the upraised arms kind of a turnoff. Conversely, women liked the guy's show of pride and were even more attracted when he was sad. But what was most objectionable to the women was the guy smiling: They found this pose the least attractive, meaning virtually every other pose, including the neutral one, was sexier to them.
You probably could have guessed that, considering that (for instance) every Twilight poster features Jacob or Edward either scowling or brooding. But why? Why don't women long for the happy guy?
Research suggests that smiling may be regarded as a generally feminine trait. Happiness isn't really the most domineering expression, and as much as we hate to say it, domination cues play a role in sexual attraction. Hence, the guy without a stupid grin on his face is closer to what ladies looking for sex want. (Besides sex.)
But this hardly explains why the sadness expression beat out the pride expression. Isn't reveling in the crushing of your enemies, seeing them driven before you and hearing the lamentation of the women more domineering than looking like your dog died? And even if you aren't smiling, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're sad looking, so what's the deal?
Finally our crippling depression can be revealed to the world!
Shame, according to Professor Jessica Tracy, co-author of the study, has "been associated with an awareness of social norms and appeasement behaviors, which elicits trust in others." Or, in other words, a woman not looking to be screwed over may favor the humble fellow more than a guy who looks like an arrogant douche. Surprisingly.
Also, researchers suggest that both men and women might see a sad person as someone in need of help, which is almost a positive idea until you realize that women were most attracted to the sad guy, meaning they either care more than men or just really prefer somebody with problems over a happy, smiling guy who doesn't need therapy and hours of self-indulgent pity.
"I just want to reach out and tell him, 'Yes, me too. Me, too.'"
Men were still attracted to sad women, but probably because it comes across as submissive.
These studies almost never say anything good about us, do they?
We've previously mentioned how the length of your ring finger is an indication of how much testosterone you were exposed to in the womb. The longer the ring finger, the more testosterone. So it's easy to imagine that women would come to see the long finger as an attractive trait, if even on a subconscious level.
"I know what those long fingers are good for ... opening all those jars in my cupboard. Get to it."
But even if the finger isn't visible, it still works -- women think guys with long ring fingers have more attractive faces.
A study led by scientist Camille Ferdenzi of the University of Geneva confirmed that, above all other factors (including body odor drawn from the sweaty armpits of men of varying degrees of manliness), the length of the ring finger pretty much sealed the deal on how attractive a man's face is to a woman.
This hand later stuck the scientists' heads down the toilets.
Determining this relation between testosterone and the face involved a complex experiment of showing pictures of men to a bunch of women and having them give a rating for masculinity and attractiveness. Over and over, long-ring-finger guys were all rated as having the best faces.
What's odd but consistent with what we told you in this article about women being attracted to feminine male faces was that a positive attraction rating wasn't always paired with a masculine rating. This means that it's possible that a man could have a longer ring finger, which means having more prenatal testosterone and thus a more attractive face, but not actually look more masculine. We're calling this the Legolas Effect.
"My elf ears hear the swoonings of women and the exasperated sighs of their husbands."
But don't start plucking your eyebrows and donning your elf ears just yet. Like we said, this is prenatal testosterone, which is different from the fluctuating adult testosterone determining your tone of voice and body odor, and it's more or less unchangeable because its work is done once you're born. Once you're out, no more fetal testosterone for you.
And no amount of crying and begging will increase it.