6 Painful Things Nobody Tells You About Fighting
Everybody says they know that action movies are fake, but they're lying. For proof, just get a couple of drunk males in a confrontation and you'll quickly realize they did in fact think Hollywood fight scenes were grim depictions of reality. They'll throw haymakers and roundhouse kicks with images of Jean-Claude Van Damme spin-punching a guy through a plate glass window dancing in their heads.
Thirty seconds later, they're laying on the floor, gasping and hissing in pain while rubbing some body part, perhaps while crying. This is when they realize the difference between choreographed movie fighting and real fighting. Because in the real world, it turns out ...
#6. Your Fists Are Fragile Flowers
A punch should be the easiest thing in the world. Just make a vaguely ball-like shape with your hand and let the beatings commence. Hell, babies do it on accident.
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"The only accident is that you're still alive."
In the movies, everyone from lab scientists to sassy sidekicks throw punches all the time, with no ill effects to anyone but the recipient, who tends to be knocked out without a hitch. The worst case scenario is that the punch has no effect and the opponent will simply be amused, like that giant Nazi Indiana Jones couldn't hurt without a plane propeller. Right?
Of course it's not right. Have you read this site before? Is it ever "right" when we ask like that?
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Not saying that we wouldn't love to live in a word where it is.
Here's the problem -- the hand is a pretty delicate thing. A fight-worthy fist is a lot more than just a bunched-up hand -- developing your curled fingers into a punching tool takes years of training. Even real boxers get it wrong often enough that the most common injury caused by punching failure is known as boxer's fracture.
So, what's the worst that could happen if we get it wrong? Well ... everything, really. There are at least as many ways to break your own fist with your opponent's body as the other way around. Say you align your fingers ever so slightly wrong. Too bad, they are now broken. Hit the target with the wrong knuckle? Enjoy the dislocation of said knuckle. Get the angle wrong? Congratulations, you now have a broken wrist.
Things might've gone differently in the real world for John McClane.
OK, you think, you'll just have to get it right in one shot. You're not going to go 15 rounds with the drunk in the bar, after all. You're just going to punch him right in the face and knock his ass out with one blow. Well, the problem is ...
#5. Punching a Guy in the Head Is a Terrible Idea
Socking a dude right in the jaw tends to be our default response to a physical threat once the "fight" side of the fight-or-flight response takes over. And a lifetime of movies has taught us that a hard smack in the jaw can end a fight in seconds. Hell, we've seen the same thing in boxing and MMA matches, right?
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Fighting ain't hard.
Yep. Rare, perfect blows ... out of hundreds thrown. And those guys are professional fighters.
For the average Joe like you, attempting the classic knockout blow to the head is distilled stupidity. Think about it: The head is a small, moving target -- and therefore pretty much the dumbest place you can attack. And missing your punch is what happens if you're lucky.
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Think those teeth are any less sharp at high speed?
As the head is basically the hardest part of the human body, a connecting blow actually means you stand a better chance of breaking a hand (yours) than breaking a face (your opponent's). Aside from all the "your fists are as fragile as toothpicks" stuff we just finished talking about, remember that the human skull isn't just hard, it's also sharp. Angle your punch wrong, and you might drive your hand directly into the teeth. This is called a fight bite, and it can cause serious damage -- first with a nasty gash in your hand, and then with an even nastier infection. Why? Because the human mouth is disgusting.
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Unless you can afford a really advanced toothbrush.
How nasty is it in there? You'll be unhappy you asked! Human saliva contains as many as 100 million organisms per mL, composed of nearly 200 different species. Species! In your mouth! And now you have those swarming into the open cut in your dainty, womanly fist.
Hey, that's why you just want to kick the dude, right? Well, the problem there is ...
#4. Kicks Are Useless
We accept that this point is a lot harder to believe. After all, a kick is bound to pack a lot more power than a punch, if only because the leg is so much bigger and stronger than the arm. Also, the foot tends to be encased in a shoe in a real-life fighting situation (unless you're being beaten and robbed specifically for your new Jordans), so the fragility factor shouldn't really apply here. Surely, your legs are an ultimate weapon when push really comes to shove. Eat crane kick, motherfucker!
Once again, we have stumbled upon a common misconception, fueled by a gazillion Hollywood action stars and video game protagonists.
Most people don't carefully lean back to let you kick their chin.
Sure enough, a properly delivered high kick or roundhouse can be an instant game changer ... if you're an accomplished martial arts master in a controlled environment, that is. Are you that? Probably not.
While there indeed are bona fide, for realsies kicking experts out there, they are a lot more rare than, say, MMA fighters who prefer to rely on punching and grappling, using kicks mainly as distractions, last resorts and crowd-pleasing flashy moves. The reason for this is simple: Kicks are hard to master and execute properly.
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Unless you're a high-powered businesswoman. Then they're just second nature.
In fact, the effectiveness of anything that could be considered a "high kick" in a real self-defense situation is under debate, even in the martial arts community. If for some reason you're thinking about going out and literally "kicking" some ass, read the previous sentence again slowly. The people who get paid to whomp ass aren't even sure if kicks are worth the effort. If that doesn't give you some pause, you've probably been kicked in the head so many times that another beating won't make much of a difference. So, by all means, kick away.
For the average person with no practical training under their belt, kicks (especially high ones) are slow, cumbersome, easily avoidable things that lack power, take a lot of energy and leave you in an extremely vulnerable position for a counterattack (the recipient of which is usually your dick, because that's what happens when you attempt a move that leaves your groin area open in a real fight).
Finish him!
The only kicks that are considered relatively effective when both people are upright are the fairly low ones to the shins and (of course) balls, which even your average citizen should be able to execute semicorrectly on the second or third try.
In theory, that is. In reality, even lower kicks tend to be laughably easy to avoid, as it turns out that ...
A junkie from my city, a guy is see on a regular basis, pulled a syringe on me 8 days ago. Though under other.circumstances is have just kicked him to the ground, he was too close, and a body shot was out of the question because the syringe was in that area. I aimed for the jaw, but his idiotic reflexes turned his head further towards my fist. Aside from stitches, I am currently undergoing a months course of HIV meds, hepatitis b vaccinations and have just beaten the infection with antibiotics.
ReplyMoral of the story: well, there is none. Sometimes these things are unavoidable. Worrying about fight bite infections and possible retroviruses from the fight bite are absolutely secondary to the fact that he had a used syringe in his hand. Whilst I see the point of the article, an attempt to de-glamourise fighting, if you're in the kind of situation I found myself in, boxers fracture, swelling and bacterial infection are secondary.
As an aside, I find kicks to be the most useful in self defence. (There are many junkies here)
A kick to the leg will easily disable an opponent, a kick with the ball of the foot to the area of the midsection where the ribs meet, just above the abdominal muscles, will wind and or knock down an opponent.
MMA do not use kicks much because it leaves you open to takedowns not because kicks are tough to do, just look at muay thai to see a lot more kicking. Boxng used to be bare knuckle and hand injuries were rare. Because people's heads are armoured you cannot ht the head with any part of your body without risking injury to yourself even slaps can hurt your wrist. This article is not so much wrong but is misleading by oversimplifying.
ReplyNine times out of ten if you show up to a fight wearing a clown outfit you can avoid the fight altogether.
ReplyThe secret to fighting is diplomacy. (1 definition of diplomacy is "the art of saying, 'Nice Doggie!' until you can find a big enough rock.")
Reply"Real fighting is a lot less about skill and talent and more about attitude. Ferocity."
ReplyVery interesting, that's something I've been thinking for a while.
I remember reading something about two very different attitudes about fighting that are reflected in how one carries their head : some take it as a ritual competition for a dominant position and will tend to carry their head high, while others approach it like a life or death survival situation (and thus tend to be much nastier), which will reflect in a lowered "prowling" angle.
I like the idea that this validates the Kubrick Stare.
This is interesting. I was once punched randomly in the jaw by someone walking past me on the sidewalk. I had instinctively whipped around into a low-angled head-down sneering position. Unfortunately, there was more than one person, so I took the best route and simply walked away. It would have been my first "real" fight situation, and I'm curious as to how it would have turned out after having read your post.
After the many mcdojos I found a real trainer. And his advice was to win in any way possible. He advised us never to throw the first blow unless absolutely necessary(to get some space or get out of a hold or something) and to basically beat the guy until he stops breathing. And to avoid getting into a fight unless cornered. I agree with the article for the most part.
ReplyThis is why the guy who taught me to fight, an ex-boxer, sailor, Hell's Angel (back when that meant something), Seabee, and trucker, basically said to only throw a punch or kick to get the guy to back off long enough for you to grab a real weapon like a chair or a pool cue or knife. And also never fight unless you're prepared to kill the guy, because there's a good chance that's what will happen.
Reply>Punching correctly is difficult!
ReplyWhy must you fill your 'revelatory' articles with so many worthless half-truths, Cracked?
This article is both sensible and somewhat incorrect. This article correctly illustrate for the general public that except trained practitioners, punching the face with your fist is generally a bad idea. But I kinda disagree with the rest of the points. Kicks are useless only when they are execute in a fanciful, high kicks like in WTF Taekwondo. I am a 4 ft 9 inch asian guy and I'm studying in America but back home now in the holiday. A little of my story, I like to keep shoulder-length hair out of fashion but with my feminine face, height and 99 pounds weight, I'm always being mistook as a girl. As a result, I practiced Kyokushin Karate for 2 1/2 years as a necessity since I pretty much and regularly faced all kind of problems. One particular incident took place when this drunk dude much taller and bigger than me tried to do weird stuff on me. I toppled him with low kicks, yes low kicks then a groin kick (since I'm simply too short to reach his head and he is too muscular to allow an effective damage on his body). So yes, low kick shows that kicks are not useless and well, in my martial art, we learnt how to feign or snap with explosive force to avoid letting opponents know what's coming. My conclusion, taking up a good martial art. I do agree that people that constantly seek out fights are d**ks but learning to fight for self-defence is important.
Reply@justmej
ReplyIm sad to say both are plausible, wearing any kind of ring in a fist fight is likely to cause damage to your hand so he would be smart to take it off (and who wants blood on thier shiny wedding ring).
Option One: he was the attackie instead of the attacker.
If he was the attackie then no-prob He took the ring off to defend His honor and bring great joy to His ancestors. all good
Option Two: he was the attacker and had enouth time to take of his ring I.E. had time to think about what he was doing and continued regardless - then he is a dick
Option Three: he was just trying to pull - then he is a dick
sorry about length spelling and any other mistakes (this my opinion as a male reading your comment)
Thank you. Your insight is greatly appreciated.
I have a question - my ex fiance came home from the pub once without his engagement ring on (had it on when he left with his buddies). Needless to say, I was upset. His excuse? I thought I was going to have to fight tonight, so I took it off. Is this a plausible excuse? Or was he just looking to cheat and bullshitting me totally? Thanks for your input on this!
ReplyYou actually are asking this question? If your ex-fiance was smart, then he had a good idea in taking the ring off, but since you said ex-fiance, he was probably a dick, which means both his excuse and your crazy b***h thoughts are plausible. If you weren't paranoid you most likely wouldn't have noticed or cared.
Yes Scotty. I actually asked this question. Most men I know put them on when they fight. He stated he took his off to fight. Made me think twice, yes. Oh, and I am not a crazy bitch. Just one that didn't need the hurt. Again. From a another man that says one thing, does another, behind my back. Thanks though, for the insight.
I think I'm the only one in the comments section here learning a fighting style while willing to admit I'm not a black belt in at least five different martial arts. I'm actually just starting out as a measly white belt in kung fu but I don't usually tell people I'm learning it because shouting before a fight "Look out I'm a white belt!" Just doesn't work out too well or sound bad ass.
ReplyI love kung fu because it's all about not fighting fair but clever and taking any advantage you can. There's a move specifically designed to throw sand in a mans eyes and at least 20 different moves for hitting a man in the balls. (Unsurprisingly there are a lot of other moves for blocking crotch shots too.)
So far what I've learned from my teacher Master Steel (Fuck yes my teacher actually does have the bad ass name Steel) is that most of what I do is wrong without even realizing it. My fighting stance is wrong, I breathe wrong, and now dammit Cracked now your telling me I do everything else wrong too! It seems all I've learned so far is everything I do along with standing, breathing, and probably next blinking wrong.
The comments are more tl;dr than normal on this article.
ReplyI've only ever been in one fight, and it corroborates everythig in this article, perfectly. I'm not a trained martial artist of any sort, but I was in a shouting match with this guy I was working on a show with, and at some point he threw a punch.
ReplyLeading up to it, I was full of fantasies about beating this guy into the ground in Matrix-esque choreographed style, which didn't happen.
We ended up in kind of a mutual-hold, both badly bruised, neither of us having acceived anything more impressive then some wild, off-kilter punches. I'm not proud to say that I only managed to get out because I bit on his wrist and gnawed it down untill he was bleeding all over the place and he let go.
It tasted nasty, he got an infection and I would never try and win by physically fighting again. We watch too many action movies and confuse fantasy with reality way too much.
One of my classmates in my Wing Chun studio keeps her eyes wide and eyebrows up constantly. I'm not sure if it's to mask her telegraphing, but it's f*****g unnerving I'll tell you that much.
ReplyI always smile during sparing matches without realizing it usually creeps people out. :)
the most painful thing is the medical bill
ReplyI once (actually after seeing how effective it was I did it one or two more times) hammer threw a man into a radiator. It was really fun, and he sort of just crumpled after that.
ReplyI don't want to make out like I'm a violent lunatic though; the guy who I did it too had been bullying me on and off for three months, and I had just had a fight with someone else who wouldn't leave me alone after asking nicely (it's fair to say that your looking for a fight after that, plus I couldn't work away because we were lining up for class) I was obviously in a foul mood, because I had been forced into fighting the guy, and since he was way more cocky then talented I was pretty pissed that I was going ot have to get in trouble even though it was essentially self defense.
So I decided to make myself scarce so that at least I'd be in a good mood when I got my ass chewed out. ut, of course, the second bloke decided to follow me down the corridor, saying 'Oh, you going to fight me too.' to which my response was a weary 'Leave me alone, OK?' after this continued on for a little while, I basically turned around and was all like 'FUCK YOUR BULLSHIT.' after that he lunged forward trying to throw a punch, but he just really put himself off-balance, I grabbed his arm and pulled it frowards pretty violently, he was already off-balance so there was basically nothing keeping him in the air, I then pushed off with my opposite footand twisted my torso round and swung my arms out, to give him some initial momentum then I just basically started spinning round, too quickly for him to really regain his footing.
It's actually really weird watching that kind of centrifuge effect on a person, I was only paying attention to his feet, trying to get him into the air, by that point he couldn't really run in a circle fast enough to keep up with his won legs, watching them slowly climb into the air, it's really kind of tentative looking, like watching an airplane bounce on takeoff. Pretty soon he was going so fast, he was basically horizontal, so I just let him go, and sailed gracefully into the radiator of painful doomy doom.
It was obviously pretty mcu over after that, but what;s really weird is that during that time, the previously abandoned corridor one of the teaching assistants had walked up behind us, and peerred her head round, straight after we kind of exchanged looks, she must have known what had happpened but she just sort of exchanged looks with me, nooded, and walked away, she never brought it up after that. I think we had kind of an unspoken agreement 'yeah, just have this one for free.' or something like that. Sorry if TL;DR.
Are you sure you didn't dream that shit?
one more thing kicks aren't useless, but you
ReplyA. better be a god at kicking to even bother throwing one that isn't a nut shot
and
B. don't throw one out there randomly like you're throwing a jab
Stick to leg kicks and nutshots imo, MAYBE a foot jab
3 years kickboxing training, 1 year jits
He said all of that d******k
welp, I wouldn't want to pick a fight with any of the tougher dudes from my MMA gym, they would f**k u up in the street or on the mat. They're from the streets of brazil where you get killed for wearing a nice watch
ReplyNot sure if this will have any relevance whatsoever, but I'd like to express my annoyance at the fact that you can pretty much buy a black belt. That's not to say there aren't some bad m***********g black belts out there.....but I know 4 people with black belts who are total pussies.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesI am a karate black belt, the "pussy" description perfectly suits me, and I still could beat the crap out of a third of the black belts out there. Yep, getting a black belt is piss easy. "So you've been training for four years and learnt some katas? Here, take this black belt. It will be only 100€ for exam fees. And remember, you're elite"
The philosophy behind black belts where I was taught was it meant that you were a master...of the BASICS. You still had a long way to go before you we're a true master of the style.
Well, yeah. There's like ten "black belts"/dan grades in Shotokan Karate and Jiu-jitsu. It's extremely rare to find a Westerner who's seventh dan or higher.