6 Insane Batman Villains You Won't See in the Movies
Batman has the greatest set of villains of any superhero, but not every character can be a Joker or a Two-Face. Or even a Penguin. It turns out that the only thing one needs to qualify as a member of Batman's rogue gallery is being insane and knowing how to sew a costume.
We all know that sooner or later, the Batman movies are going to run out of interesting villains to feature and will be forced to start scraping closer to the bottom of the barrel. Whoever they end up choosing, we hope it's not someone like ...
#6. The King of Cats
Batman #69 (1952)
His entire body is made of breasts. Just like a cat.
The King of Cats is possibly the creepiest Batman villain ever created, and not just because he looks like a date rapist stalking a furry convention. His real name is Karl Kyle -- as in Catwoman's deadbeat brother, who tries to get into her line of work after being fired from the local car wash (probably).
Oh, and he has a thing for his sister.
Batman #69 (1952)
Of the 20 things wrong with this picture, the most pressing is why that panther has the torso of a man.
In his one and only stellar appearance, the King of Cats is trying to get his then-reformed sister to go back to her villainous ways so that they can become partners in crime. Which is a major dick move, when you think about it -- that's like getting drunk in front of a recovering alcoholic and proposing running a bar together. Cementing his position as the biggest douchebag in comics is this:
Batman #69 (1952)
Is he oblivious to the fact that he's sitting right inside the cat's butt, or was he counting on that?
Throughout most of the issue, Batman and Robin are unaware that the King of Cats and the former Catwoman are brother and sister, leading them to believe -- rather disturbingly -- that he's actually trying to court her.
Batman #69 (1952)
"I say our kittens are probably going to have hideous genetic defects."
Meanwhile, Catwoman is reluctant to turn him in because they're related and all, which makes Batman think that the attraction is mutual. The whole comic reads like an awkward attempt to introduce kids to the concept of incest.
Batman #69 (1952)
Batman, in Detectiving Is So Hard, You Guys.
In the end, Catwoman manages to convince her brother to cut the crap, and he even promises to "take his medicine," and Batman and Robin are relieved to find out their true relationship. And by "relieved" we mean "disgusted and appalled."
Batman #69 (1952)
This is followed by five pages of vomiting.
#5. The Calculator
Detective Comics #463 (1976)
This picture pretty much sums him up.
The Calculator is a guy with an actual calculator strapped to his chest and an LED visor on his forehead. He is also what happens when a comic book writer is asked to come up with five new Batman villains before lunch and starts looking around the office for inspiration (he came from the same brainstorming session as "The Photocopier" and "The Discarded Sandwich Container").
His real talent? As the inventor of the world's first titty keyboard, the Calculator is exceptionally good at touch typing:
Detective Comics #463 (1976)
"Even though these are all, uh, letters."
The Calculator's powers were kind of ambiguous, possibly because pocket calculators were fairly recent inventions in the '70s and a lot of people didn't really know what they could and couldn't do. And by "a lot of people" we mean "the writer of this comic, apparently." For example, we're not sure why a guy with calculator-based powers can materialize a crane from his forehead display.
Detective Comics #468 (1977)
Oh, so that's what the key is for.
In his first appearance, the Calculator is presented as a guy who has come up with a system that will make him impervious to the powers of any superhero. The only downside is that his system involves first getting his ass kicked by each of those superheroes in order to "calculate" ways to defeat them in the future. So in order to avoid getting caught ... he has to get caught. Several times.
Detective Comics #463 (1976)
"But first, five to 10 years of continuous prison rape."
After intentionally losing to five different members of the Justice League, the Calculator has become virtually unstoppable. The ridiculous plan might have actually worked -- if he hadn't made the mistake of trying the same trick with Batman, who causes his circuits to overload out of sheer badassery.
Detective Comics #468 (1977)
"Guess I'll add you to jail ... no wait. That's you subtracted from -- goddamn. Your SINs are ... fuck you. Just ... fuck you."
The Calculator later ditched his stupid gimmick and became an information broker for supervillains; this latest incarnation of the character might actually work in the movies, as long as no one asks him why he called himself "Calculator" in the first place.
#4. Crazy Quilt
Star Spangled Comics #123 (1951)
Crazy Quilt is the Liberace of supervillain fashion -- flamboyant to the point of being unsettling. He was a renowned painter/gang leader until he was blinded by a rival gangster and his goons forced a doctor to operate on him. However, the doctor could only restore a bizarrely specific part of his vision:
Star Spangled Comics #123 (1951)
Turns out holding the doctor at gunpoint throughout the operation doesn't bring the best results.
Inspired by his disability, he adopts the name Crazy Quilt and starts committing color-themed crimes with the help of his incredibly supportive goons, who "paint the places [he's] marked for plunder with brilliant colors so [he] can spot them." As for why he chose to use that colorful garb -- turns out his entire motivation was being able to see himself in the mirror.
Star Spangled Comics #123 (1951)
"Chief, we ... we love you."
However, his triumphant return doesn't go as well as expected -- Crazy Quilt is ignored by the citizens he hoped to terrorize and lashes out against some helpless signs.
Star Spangled Comics #123 (1951)
But the depression doesn't last long, and Crazy Quilt soon comes back with a new plan -- he will steal all the color in Gotham City.
Star Spangled Comics #123 (1951)
Unfortunately, while testing the patience of his henchmen by attempting to steal the color from a TV transmission, Crazy Quilt happens to run into Robin, resulting in an epic clash of extravagant costumes. Eventually Robin figures out the (insane) reason behind Crazy Quilt's pointless crimes and confronts him:
Star Spangled Comics #123 (1951)
"Or I could just shoot you, but that would make too much sense."
Star Spangled Comics #123 (1951)
Even Jackson Pollock thought this guy was too wild.
The saddest part of the entire story? Batman doesn't even show up in it. Robin's like "No, it's OK, I've got this" and catches Crazy Quilt on his own. Adding to the humiliation is the fact that Robin is the only hero Crazy Quilt had an actual shot at defeating ... not just because he's like 12, but also because Robin's the only one he can actually see.
The Calculator showed up later as a sort of information broker for villains.
ReplyI'm now going to make it my mission in life to make a hexalogy of Batman films with each of these guys as one of the villains (always two in true superhero movie fashion) and somehow make them good movies just to prove this article wrong.
ReplyI already have the matchings with famous Batman villains planned:
The King of Cats-Bane (Catwoman's a good guy in this story, remember?)
The Calculator-The Riddler
Crazy Quilt-The Joker
Kite Man-Mr. Freeze
The Penny Plunderer-Two-Face
The Rainbow Creature-Ra's al Ghul
the writer hates penny so much so he choose to kill the bad guy but love joker so he just sent to asylum wow that,s harsh and the rainbow beast WEIRD but the kite man is strangely cool enough to show in the movie
ReplyWow, this Sean is almost as funny as the Baby one. Even with no commentary, mister Coyne (pronounced like coin) ranting about pennies and coppers (cop=police and penny=used to be made of copper) is so stunningly shameless that it almost seems as psychadelic as that rainbow thing.
ReplyOf the two color themed villains, it'll make your skin crawl to imagine them as the inspiration for Rainbow Bright.
I may be an immature person, but I can't stop reading "The Penis Plunderer".
ReplyDibs on the band name, though.
I thought that the Penny Plunderer's rantings about pennies were downright *amazing* at showing exactly how someone stops becoming a functioning part of society and instead becomes fixated on something-anything to the point of criminal lunacy and/or crazy homicidal rage.
ReplyRealistically, there must be tons more like him who we never see "in-between" the month-to-month issues of the comics, with varying degrees of nuisance, who Batman must put up with and apprehend before submitting to the proper authorities for rehabilitation...enough to justify having a full-time Batman at the very least. The successful re-introdution of a rehabilitated criminal into everyday society would be one of the Batman's major goals, I would think; he is a creature of justice, not vengeance, after all.
It's characters like these who make others like the Joker stand out in all-the-more-shocking relief when they appear and make things personal(ie: death of Robin II, crippling of Batgirl, etc).
Times were tough for the Crazy Quilt... after his work in the Batman comics he later toned it down a bit and became the 6th doctor.
ReplyActually, he ended up as the villain in a Batman: The Brave and the Bold episode. He stole a laser tank and was blinded by it.
I can see a christopher nolan Penny Plunderer as a nameless villain tho savagely beats his victims with a sock full of pennies.
ReplyThe Calculator was actually revamped later and actually became a dangerous and serious villain
ReplyWait... Fairly Odd Parents did a parody of Crazy Quilt!
ReplyMost of these made pretty entertaining appearances on the Brave and the Bold cartoon, even Rainbow Creature. It was great.
Reply"Finally, he's captured and sentenced to death by the same justice system that keeps sending a serial killer clown to a minimum security mental asylum every six months."
ReplyAnd that's exactly why Gotham is the greatest place to live
In Gotham, it's not how coo-koo you are, but how well known... Arkham doesn't make money housing nobodies that like pennies.
Rainbow Creature Vs. Rainbow Brite!
ReplyMix Green and Indigo and you'll get DEATH.
KITTY CAR. They couldn't think of a better name than Kitty Car? I wonder if sometimes the writers just say "Fuck this, we're doing Quilt Man 'cause Carson's about to start."
ReplyNot "Joseph and his Techni-Color Murder Suit?"
They should have called it the p***y Wagon
Gah! Nerdiness dictates that I must state that the first photos of numbers 3, 4, and 5 aren't from the respective comics, but from the Who's Who in the DC Universe compilation comics (can tell due to the lineart behind the pics).
ReplyCalculator - Who's Who IV (June 1985) or Update '87 #2 or Update '88 #1
Crazy Quilt - Who's Who V (July 1985) or Update '87 #2 or Update '88 #1
Kite Man - Who's Who XII (February 1986) or Update '87 #3 or Update '88 #2
Quick edit:
Calculator and Crazy Quilt appeared in the first run (1985) and Kite-Man in the '87 update.
The funny thing is that the line between the "good" and the "stupid" villains is so thin and porous that you could use it to strain cheese curds. If the Joker had had a slightly more or slightly less insane writer at any point during his development, he would've spiralled off into Crazy Quilt territory with ease; while a writer who took pity on the Penny Plunderer could've nursed him along long enough to make him seem something other than completely useless. I had a ball reading this, but in #1 there's a link leading to discussion of the Rainbow Beast... and once I arrived there I was lost for half an hour looking at just how many STUPID villains there have been in DC history. Like, do you realize how many "inter-dimensional imps" with no backstory and ridiculous names there have been who drove Superman up the wall like all-powerful cosmic horseflies? One of them even wore a purple leprechaun-hat. I'm sure the answer to this question is obvious (it's "drugs"), but what the f**k were those writers smoking?
Reply(drugs)
It had to be LSD at the very least... so many bright colours.
I rather liked the Calculator, but that was because those stories were written by Bob Rozakis, a man who knew how to write fun comics! In the hands of someone else, the Calculator could easily be a terrible character. Another fun villain (and also by Rozakis, I think) was Snafu, who would disorient people with a crazy kaleidoscope of lights and sounds.
ReplyY'know, theres one word we ALL spell with calculators, when we're like 10, that I'm surprised the calculator didn't go for. I mean come ON, he'd have felt so much better! In so, so many ways...
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies5318008, right?
5318008? Really. I thought it was 71077345!
What the hell is "Shelloil"?
"Holy calculations, Batman! The Calculator's upgraded to a Texas Instruments graphing calculator! He's sending line graphs right for us!"
ReplyPersonally, I think it would be ridiculously awesome to see the Calculator in a Batman movie, if for no other reason to see if he could be portrayed seriously. Any actor that can play him without looking like a complete ass would deserve an instant Oscar.
Gabrielle Silar, anyone?
A TI-86 is capable of running BASIC programs. I got one of those in highschool and some of my teachers jokingly called it a Pentium 3 computer (this was back in 1999). So yes. An upgraded Calculator Man could become a reality warper by using the program functions.
"That green aura from the rainbow creature has turned us into TWO-DIMENSIONAL PEOPLE!" Batman always knows what is happen, like a spandex-lover Sherlock Holmes.
ReplyFlatman! :D