#2. Ingrid Bergman's Sex Scandal Draws Fire from the U.S. Government
Remember When ...
... every single magazine at the checkout stand of the grocery store had a picture of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, because it was rumored Pitt was banging Jolie on the set of a movie while he was still married to Jennifer Aniston? Isn't it silly how obsessed we get with this celebrity relationship bullshit?
Well, Back in the 1940s ...
... a similar scandal caused the U.S. Senate to actually go on record denouncing the affair.
They were all like, "We'll have NUN of that!" And then they cried, because jokes kind of sucked in the '40s.
Back in those days, Humphrey Bogart's Casablanca costar Ingrid Bergman found herself as typecast as Zooey Deschanel is today. Hollywood sold her as a pure, untouchable virgin, and she pulled it off, spending her whole career playing roles like nuns and Joan of Arc. America loved her so much that, when she broke the illusion by boning a sleazy director, the entire nation flipped their shit.
Said director was Roberto Rossellini, a notorious womanizer who cast her in one of his films and reportedly bet a friend that he could bed her in two weeks. Nine months later, her fans raised their eyebrows when Bergman gave birth to a baby with the suspiciously Italian name Renato Roberto Giusto Giuseppe Rossellini, which was peculiar considering her husband's name was Lingstrom and he was Swedish.
Oh, Ingrid, no. He wore a beret, for Christ's sake.
So people were momentarily saddened, but quickly moved on with their lives, right? Hell no.
Ed Sullivan, the Jay Leno of the era, refused to have her on his show. People freaking picketed Bergman's films, and Hollywood moralists like gossip columnist Louella Parsons publicly condemned her.
Even more bizarrely, Senator Edwin Johnson took control of the entire Senate floor just to deliver a speech that condemned Bergman and called her things like "a powerful influence for evil."
That's a bullet-ridden bust of Hitler's head. That's not a joke. The man knew his evil.
#1. John F. Kennedy's Affair Entangles the Mafia
Remember When ...
... Bill Clinton was impeached over an affair he had with an intern? One who impressed him with her ability to light and smoke a cigar using only her vagina? We think we're remembering that right ...
Here's a closeup of her vagina for reference.
Well, Back in the 1960s ...
Unlike most presidential sex scandals, JFK's many affairs didn't really harm his image. Even his wife seemed not to mind where Kennedy was hiding the presidential rod. So how far did JFK have to go to wind up on this list? According to one of his lovers, Judith Exner, Kennedy had her delivering messages to the Mafia for him for over a year.
Exner was a L.A. socialite first involved with Frank Sinatra before he introduced her to Kennedy, who was then running for the Democratic presidential nomination. As with most women who managed to maintain eye contact with Kennedy for over a minute, they wound up screwing like barnyard animals.
As with most pictures of smiling women during the '60s, JFK's penis is immediately out of frame.
Shortly after, Sinatra introduced Exner to another one of his friends, Sam Flood. What Exner was not aware of at the time was that Sam Flood was actually Sam Giancana, the big time Chicago mob boss. Kennedy seemed to know, however, because after he got into the White House, Exner spent 18 months delivering mysterious envelopes back and forth between the Mafia and the president.
Exner never knew exactly what was in the envelopes, but as she would later testify to the CIA, she believed some of them involved a plot between the president and the mob to kill Fidel Castro, one of JFK's favorite yet least productive hobbies. Apparently, the Mafia shared America's hatred of Castro for damages to their profits.
And for smoking a cigar with his face instead of his asshole, like normal people.
After two years of an affair with JFK, months of the FBI trailing her and the general fear one feels when dealing with the mob, Exner's Catholic conscience finally caught up with her, and she knew it was wrong to continue her affair with JFK. What wasn't wrong in her eyes was getting an abortion and immediately sleeping with the mob boss, Giancana.
For more ways we're put to shame by those before us, check out 7 Songs From Your Grandpa's Day That Would Make Eminem Blush and 6 Depraved Sexual Fetishes That Are Older Than You Think.