#5. Godzilla Santa
Same here -- you have to look at this one for a few seconds to get the full effect. Sure, oversize decorations are nothing new, but then you see that Santa has seized a car and is about to pounce on it.
In other words, this isn't a case where they made their Santa bigger so you could see it from the highway -- they are actually depicting Santa as being a giant who can pluck cars off the street and (presumably) eat the squishy people inside after peeling the roof off like the lid on a can of peanuts.
This appears to be a car dealership, one that decided that it'd be a good idea to market their cars as mouth-watering festive snacks to their gargantuan Santzilla. The lesson here: Be good or Santa will fucking eat you and everyone you love, and not even the Army can stop him! Merry Christmas, kids! Buy a fucking car!
#4. Party Girl
That's a child's face embedded in a fat man's corpse.
Oh, look at this little showoff! Sure, Party Girl, juggling is cool, especially when you're doing it just to spell the word "party." But seriously, anyone could juggle if we all had a single, circular arm that stretched from one shoulder to the other. Get over yourself, kid.
Actually, the blob-like torso melting into the party banner makes us think the shape-shifting monster from The Thing got confused at a children's birthday party.
#3. The Chimera
This is why you should never fall asleep underneath the tree.
On the surface, including this precious little bauble on a list of disturbing Christmas decorations might seem like an odd choice. After all, it's just an ornament with little bird legs. But allow us to point a few things out.
For one thing, look at those goddamned legs. They will end you, make no mistake about that. If it's not already an unwritten law that Christmas ornaments shouldn't have talons, it most certainly should be. But there's something else.
As adorable as this may look while it's standing (and while you're certifiably insane), that's going to completely fall apart when you hang it on the tree and realize that, thanks to that hook placement that we're guessing is supposed to look like a nose or something, it's now laying on its back. That is, it now looks like a dead bird, hanging by its beak.
Oh the joy of autoerotic asphyxiation.
Remember that Orphan movie from a few years ago? The one where the little girl was really a middle-aged prostitute who refused to remove the ribbon from around her neck because she was hiding a scar related to her past and also spoiler alert? This isn't really like that. The ribbon is just to hide the fact that "Joy" here doesn't have a neck. It's a design choice made purely out of necessity. No human neck can support a head like that.
#1. Giant Disfigured Santa
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! His droll little mouth was like a stroke victim's!
This tragically disfigured Santa Claus statue resides in Auckland, New Zealand. It's 66 frightening feet tall and, much to plenty of children's horror, it also moves. According to this story, The Aucklander reported that "his finger struggled to keep up a pace of 27 beckons per minute or 25,920 times a day." That's right -- it's finger does a rapid, "Come over here, little girl" motion. Oh, and it winks, too.
THAT IS NOT WINKING.
Unsurprisingly, residents of Auckland were uncomfortable with being beckoned to by something that looks like it wants your attention so it can ask if you're comfortable with being followed home. They literally performed plastic surgery to make this thing look human again. Of course, during the remodeling period, they had to cover its face ...
We're going to guess that the unveiling involved a great deal of mirror smashing and maniacal laughter.
You can find more from Adam at Alert Level Stork! He also helped to write Four Humors, an anthology of short stories published for charity by Wordplague. His friend Kevin Axt also runs the brilliantly funny webcomic Donuts for Sharks and you should go there right now.
For more ways to blaspheme Christmas to the fullest extent, check out The 12 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Christmas Ads and 6 Real Life Supervillains of Christmas.