The Only 4 Christmas Movies Ever Made (Over and Over Again)
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You forgot the "Kid's movie where they have to 'save' Christmas because nobody cares anymore for some strange reason, even though that would almost be impossible".
ReplyThose are mostly either a "Holly Jolly Bloodbath" or "Redemption"
My Stationery Voyagers 2-parter (which I'm in the middle of writing) includes the episodes "Essentials of Nativity" and "Selective Generosity." The second one might fall under "Holly Jolly Bloodbath" since it's about St. Nick (the Bishop, not Santa) teaming up with some Arab dudes to kick the stuffing out of a pimp for kidnapping three women. Other than protagonist and time of year, it doesn't even really count as a Christmas story at all. The first one is about an alien trying to kidnap Mary and force an abortion to assassinate Jesus, only to get nuked in the desert by another alien for trying. If getting incinerated by alien kung-fu magic counts as a bloodbath, I guess they both count.
ReplyWhat about the "Santa can't deliver the gifts so the main character(s) must replace him" cliché?
ReplyUsually takes either a "Redemption" or "Family" path.
The bathroom sign pimp man thing suddenly gave me a horrible, horrible idea involving black paint and college bathrooms.
Reply"the one week each year that the entire world has the same very specific fetish"
Reply...noting that in this context "the entire world" should be taken to mean "most of the people in North America, Australia and a few countries in Europe". The other 5 or 6 billion people on Earth don't count.
To Hollywood, that might as well be the whole f*****g universe.
I enjoy Die Hard as much as the next guy "Why don't you wake up and smell what you're shoveling?!", but it confuses me why Die Hard always gets so much Christmas love, and yet Lethal Weapon is almost never mentioned.
ReplyMel Gibson, that's why. And Mclane would kick Riggs' ass.
And that's why Tokyo Godfather is one of the best Christmas films ever.
ReplyFully agree!
I watched alot of Christmas movies this season on Hallmark and found alot more than enough of Santa Claus walking aroung like a regular guy and women falling in love.
ReplyAll of the Hallmark movies follow the same template, usually with a family being shaken up by a sickness, division of the family or a grinch.
ReplyErm... I can't think of any logic to justify HOME ALONE being in the "bloodbath" category.
ReplyTry railing someone in the face with an iron in real life and you'll see yourself a bloodbath.
ReplyHappy New Year!
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I'm Jewish
ReplyI'm not
Who cares?
I was so surprised to discover that Gremlins was a Christmas movie the first time I saw it. I had spent my whole childhood being told it was too frightening for me, and every adult around me did a great job of keeping me from ever seeing even one scene (despite my monster-obsession leading me to try very hard to see the film), so when I finally saw it as a teenager... I was not only shocked, but deeeeeply disappointed by how much everyone around me had exaggerated it. I was expecting chestburster action and the worst that the movie had to offer was a sob story about a chicks dad getting stuck in the chimney and stinking up the joint when he starts to rot? Blehhhh.
ReplyBut yeah this formula? Could be applied to any holiday at all. So I think you've got a solid theory here. There's probably even a Gremlins-knock-off for every holiday - wasn't "Critters" basically just "Gremlins at EASTER TIME OH MY GOD"?
No. That was Critters 3 or something. The origional Critters took place during the summer or something. Maybe around the 4th of july? That would explain why they were making homemade fireworks...
What about Elf? Where does that fit in? I'd assume the family one.
ReplyThe one where someone who hates Christmas has a life changing experience and ends up saving/ liking it.
f**k the Star Wars Christmas special.
Reply Hide All See All 3 Replies"Rarrwwarr garrahharr! Urghharrwa!"
Legend has it that anyone who watches it to the very end receives a mixed drink made from the tears of George Lucas and good taste.
butterfly, that is just a myth. Everyone knows it is impossible to watch the Star Wars Christmas Special from beginning to end.
Would the Film "Rare Exports" fit into the bloodbath category? It just doesn't feel right, although these 4 categories conform to probably 80% of non-christmas movies as well.
ReplyWhere does The Snowman fit into this?
ReplyA small, niche market called "not America". Sadly, the works of Raymond Briggs haven't crossed the pond as far as I'm aware.
Die Hard is the only Christmas movie I watched this year, so yippee kai yay mother f****r to you.
ReplyMe too. I also watched Die Hard 2.
You're not a real Die Hard fan unless you watch all 4 on Christmas.
It seems like the only actual gory christmas movies are "Black Xmas" (which was godawful) and "Santa's Slay" (which was also bad, but entertaining enough to be bad-good). Bear in mind, I mean actually gory, not just violent. Otherwise I would include Gremlins and Home Alone.
ReplyDon't watch much horror, eh? "Silent Night, Deadly Night." The best breast-to-Santa ratio in any movie, ever.
"Jingle all the Way" fits the bloodbath category... just sayin'
Reply