#11. Aunt May (Marvel Comics)
"With realistic varicose vein action!"
Spider-Man's Aunt May is terrifying. She looks like an alien tore off her skin and is wearing it as a suit. Seriously, look at her cold, inhuman stare:
We're not sure what's scarier: this thing or a person who buys an action figure of an old woman.
#10. Eco Warriors (G.I. Joe)
There's nothing more dangerous than a dolphin with a taste for man-breast.
G.I. Joe is practically synonymous with action figures and has given us some of the coolest characters ever -- but, just like in a real war, not everyone can be a winner. Most G.I. Joes came with guns. This one came with a dolphin. Also inside a dolphin, possibly. He changed color and turned blue when exposed to water, because apparently this G.I. Joe was secretly a mermaid (that's what mermaids do, right?).
#9. "Chuckles" (G.I. Joe)
"The pants say 'party,' and the shirt says, 'terrible party.'"
Look at this asshole. Not only is this G.I. Joe dressed in a Hawaiian shirt instead of some badass military uniform, his code name is also "Chuckles." What kind of Mickey Mouse operation does he think they're running here? Apparently this was an attempt to appeal to the people who watched Miami Vice by creating a G.I. Joe who sucked. And yet, he wasn't the stupidest Joe ever created ...
#8. William "The Refrigerator" Perry (G.I. Joe)
Why it's William "The Refrigerator" Perry from the 1985 Chicago Bears! What in the fuck is he doing with the G.I. Joes? According to his file card, his job is "physical training instructor," which is a little bit ironic considering that in real life Perry was notorious for showing up overweight to training camp.
"Fridge" was only available by mailing in the certificates that came with each G.I. Joe, as explained in this perfectly '80s commercial where he defeats a dozen armed Cobra soldiers with a football attached to a whip.
#7. Bob (Batman)
You've probably noticed that every Batman movie has at least two villains: Batman Begins had the Scarecrow and Ra's al Ghul, Batman Forever had Two Face and Riddler and the original Batman by Tim Burton had Joker and, um, "Bob."
This guy was the most prominent of Joker's goons in the film, meaning he was the only one who talked. Most of us never knew he even had a name (it's briefly mentioned in the movie), but that didn't stop Toy Biz from producing an action figure based on the guy. And a crappy one, too, since for some reason they decided to do away with his beautiful blonde hair.
The eye bags are dead on, though.
But it's not like they had a lot to choose from, unless they wanted to go with Billy Dee Williams as One-Face. Luckily for the toy makers, Burton learned his lesson for the sequel and made sure Batman Returns had plenty more action figure opportunities, like ...
#6. Penguin Commandos (Batman)
There's no way enough of these toys sold to offset the cost of the liquor it took to design them.
Oh. So, uh, the Penguin's henchmen were all actual penguins. So here you go, kids. Little toy penguins with little penguin weapons they can use.
We're starting to think the Penguin's criminal empire didn't provide ample opportunities for tie-ins ...
#5. The Penguin's Duck Vehicle (Batman)
Yeah, that was a weird movie.
#4. Chopper Vehicle Luke and Vader (Star Wars)
George Lucas was the king of squeezing his franchise for every last dollar of merchandise. To the point of depicting Darth Vader on a motorcycle, about to take on Luke in a light saber jousting contest that, to be honest, we kind of wish had been the climax of Return of the Jedi.
What's telling is that it didn't take Lucas long to get to this point. Just look at some of the toys from the classic original line ...
#3. Power Droid (Star Wars)
Yep, it's a piece of machinery that appeared briefly in the background of the first Star Wars film and somehow merited its own "action" figure. The fact that it's packaged in the same type of box as Luke Skywalker and Han Solo is an insult to actors everywhere. Still, "Power Droid" was well-received enough to be reissued for each subsequent film.
#2. Basically Every Single Background Character (Star Wars)
Who the fuck are these guys? With names like "Yak Face" and "Squid Head," we're pretty sure that most if not all of these were christened by some unpaid intern at Kenner based entirely on how they looked.
"I've never seen a walrus, but this guy probably looks like one."
"Walrus Man," for example, was actually referred in the original script as "Scrotum Chin." The official novels later confirmed that it is in fact a tiny butt.
OK, now these are literally extras. These are crew members that George Lucas said, "OK, we need another bounty hunter in the background here, wrap some stuff around your head and go stand over there." And to this day, that nameless man can tell his family that he has an action figure made from him. Maybe he even gets a cut of the royalties.
But in terms of disappointment, nothing can compare to the first official Star Wars toy ever produced, and indeed the only one that existed for about a year:
#1. The Empty Box (Star Wars)
The Star Wars Collector's Archive
Fun sold separately.
An empty box.
You see, since nobody expected Star Wars to be a hit, Kenner wasn't really prepared for the eventuality that people might want action figures based on this thing. So when the movie came out and turned out to be an unprecedented success, there was simply no way they could make toys in time for the next Christmas.
Instead, Kenner cleverly offered what was essentially an "IOU" for the first batch of Star Wars toys -- meaning that on Christmas 1977, thousands of kids everywhere opened their presents to find a piece of cheap painted cardboard.
The box is actually a major collector's item these days, with ones in good condition going for several hundred bucks each, since the children of 1977 mostly tore that shit up wondering where the fuck their Chewbacca toys were hiding.
For more toys you shouldn't be handing out during the holidays, check out 15 Unintentionally Perverted Toys for Children and The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys.
And stop by LinkSTORM to learn why Barrel of Monkeys will always be the best game.
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