#23. Sylvester Stallone's Brother, Frank (Rocky Series)
It's OK if you've forgotten Frank Stallone. America did years ago.
Yep, that's Sylvester's brother, Frank Stallone. These were mostly sold to one "F. Stallone" as masturbatory aids.
#22. Caveman Rocky (Rocky Series)
From the unproduced Rocky Meets the Flintstones special.
Yep, that's Caveman Rocky, aka Rocky wearing the costume he was wearing in that wacky commercial he was shooting at the beginning of Rocky II.
Basically, someone could buy all these figures and make a 100 percent accurate reenactment of every film in the Rocky franchise. Or plastic Rocky orgies. Either way, please put it on YouTube. But what do you do when you've exhausted every possibility in the Rocky universe, when every single character from every single scene is taken? Why, you move on to the inanimate objects ...
#21. Rocky Statue (Rocky Series)
Yet another tragic victim of the vile Copperfinger.
The Rocky Statue in Philadelphia. A non-moving, non-talking hunk of bronze. So your kids can play "statue." Come on, guys. What's next, an action figure of the meat he was punching while he trained in the original film?
#20. The Meat (Rocky Series)
That is not a Photoshop.
#19. Bonebreaker (X-Men)
"How do I pee?"
The X-Men action figure line was one of the coolest of the '90s, provided that you didn't get one of the lesser-known characters. What's unfortunate is that, when it comes to the X-Men, 90 percent of the team qualifies as "lesser known." It's pretty much just "Wolverine, etc."
For instance, this guy's legs are a tank. His mutant power is that his legs are a tank. Unless you misplace the tank (it's detachable, for some reason), then his power is that he has no legs.
#18. The Blob (X-Men)
In real life, his taint would be the size of a throw rug.
You may remember the Blob from the Wolverine movie or your local Walmart. His mutant power is morbid obesity. This is the "realistic" variant for the Blob action figure, because the standard one didn't have enough chins. It even has chins all over its legs, and not one but two sets of moobs.
#17. Wolfsbane (X-Men)
Apparently, she has the mutant ability to excrete hot glue from her ankles.
Wolfsbane looks like she's murdered and scalped multiple Don Kings and attached the scalps to her body in ritualistic fashion. If the Internet hasn't yet produced an erotic fan fiction story starring her and Grizzlor from He-Man, we're betting it will within 15 minutes of this article being published.
#16. Whistle Chest Banshee (X-Men)
He's just making the best of a bad chest wound.
Banshee is a relatively well-known character with a super-powered scream ... which they decided to represent here by jamming a whistle into his chest. You blow (into) him. They could have given him a sound chip or something, but no, clearly this was the more dignified solution.
#15. Astral Dr. Strange (Marvel Comics)
Is it just us, or is he totally throwing up a gang sign?
Well-known superheroes can make disappointing action figures, too, as Marvel Toys has worked hard to prove for the past 20 years. In this case, Dr. Strange is dead and you have bought his ghost. He seems to be saying "WooooOOOooo I cost you $9.99! BOO!"
This was actually a recolored variant of an earlier Dr. Strange figure that was supposed to represent his "astral form" or some bullshit.
#14. Invisible Woman (Marvel Comics)
We don't remember her joints being so clearly visible in the comics.
"Say, I have 20,000 pieces of transparent plastic shaped like little women in my warehouse. Don't ask. What do we do with them?"
"Ever heard of the Fantastic Four?"
#13. Ghost Rider (Marvel Comics)
And then, there are the figures that someone only buys for a child if they want to give them emotional baggage. For example, check out this figure of Ghost Rider in the midst of his transformation (alternatively packaged as "person burning alive").
"Oh hey kids I'm Joh -- AAAAAAHHHHH OH MY GOD THE PAIN!"
#12. J. Jonah Jameson (Marvel Comics)
"You know what kids can't get enough of? Awkward cloth suits."
J. Jonah Jameson's deep hatred of Spider-Man seems somewhat less threatening when he's wearing his dad's suit. Also, we couldn't help noticing that his pants appear to be removable. He has a thong under there, doesn't he?
But the winner of the Spider-Man toy line has to be: