Criminals aren't hard to figure out. Ask any cop: The guy who broke into your car wasn't a mastermind, he was probably looking for something he could sell to buy meth.
Still, the world of law enforcement does have its confounding mysteries. Imagine being a cop and trying to get to the bottom of ...
#6. The Amish Hair-Cutting Spree
It's not often you hear about Amish crime rampages, but when you do, they're hilarious.
For instance, in September of 2011 a man who was driving to a horse auction with a bunch of Amish passengers unwittingly became Jamie Foxx in a Mennonite version of Collateral when the passengers requested that he stop at a number of homes along the way. Each time, the men would jump out, race inside the home and then run back out and ask him to keep driving. The driver thought it was weird, but who was he to question the quaint and bizarre customs of the Amish?
He's doing either air guitar or air sex. That bottom hand could really go either way.
It turns out that these men were part of an outcast Amish gang who called themselves the Bergholz Clan, and they frequently terrorized other Amish folk by bursting into their homes and cutting off their victims' beards and hair. The gang leader was an exiled rogue Amish bastard out for revenge, an unpleasant man named Sam Mullet.
No, really. His crime was cutting people's hair, and his name was Mullet. Like an old-school Batman villain.
They're just hustlers getting hoes and plowing some God-given fields.
Amish people aren't allowed to shave their hair or beards, as the girth of a man's beard is an indicator of his masculinity, and also apparently God has a problem with it. So the Bergholz Clan decided to strike the Amish community with the worst insult they could conceive.
Either an Amish lineup or the annual Live Action Roleplay Society photo.
If you don't understand, it's like a bunch of people bursting in at midnight and stealing guys' dicks.
#5. The Serial Butt Slasher
To get the most obvious joke imaginable out of the way right now, holiday shopping in Fairfax County, Virginia, can be a serious pain in the ass. By which we mean someone in Fairfax County shopping malls has literally been randomly stabbing people in the ass.
This was the luck of one 18-year-old shopper as she perused her local Forever 21. While bending over to pick up some clothes that had fallen off a hanger, she felt a sharp pain in her rear, the result of a quick, shallow jab with a knife. Since then, at least nine women have been slashed in the butt, and those are just the ones who came forward. In most cases, the crime is so weird that the victims don't even know they've been assaulted until they hear about the other cases in the news.
"I'm not coming forward for anything less glamorous than vehicular manslaughter."
The mastermind has refined his strategy to an art -- identifying an unsuspecting and unguarded set of buttocks, the slasher will drop some clothes items off a rack, and when the victim bends down to retrieve them, he goes to work with a razor or box cutter, then swiftly disappears into the night.
Eluding even mall security's finest community college dropouts.
According to former FBI profiler Gregg McCrary, the butt slasher appears to have a ridiculously specific sexual disorder known as "piquerism," which means that the attacker gets off on cutting butts. Wait, this is common enough that it has a name?
What's the name for staring into a girl's eyes while muttering the lyrics to "Careless Whisper"? It's for a friend.
Although no arrests have been made, a police task force created to hunt down the slasher has identified a suspect from security camera footage. But the man appears to have fled town, perhaps moving on to a shopping mall near you.
#4. The Elderly Vandal
Vandalism, being the most petty and pointless of crimes, is almost exclusively the work of teenagers. When you find a crude erection spray painted on your fence, you rarely look to the little old bingo enthusiast across the street for answers. That's probably how 62-year-old widow Elaine Meredith got away with it for so long.
Most opinionated old people just deface their own cars.
Over the course of 10 months, residents in the town of Caldicot in South Wales had been bothered by what they could only assume was a gang of hooligans carving obscene things into the hoods of people's cars. Dozens of vehicles had been targeted, and there was seemingly no way to stop the vandalism short of setting a bunch of bear traps.
One day, 32-year-old Gary Smith heard what sounded like "chalk on a blackboard" outside his home, and upon investigating, discovered Meredith and her dog skulking around his car, which presumably had a half-finished dick carved into it. The lady claimed she had seen a bunch of youths running from the scene, but the paint-encrusted craft knife she was holding seemed to indicate otherwise.
"But perhaps you can help me. What is the acceptable amount of pubes nowadays? Two or three?"
The old lady won't admit she was doing it to this day, despite the prosecutor actually bringing in a handwriting expert to confirm that the "FUCK YOU"s etched into the more than two dozen cars were her own work. It's not a case of the lady losing her mind to old age, either -- she showed no signs of dementia.
Always ask a parent or guardian to help you with knife work.
We just think "Put fuck words on every car in town" was on her bucket list, like she is still working from the list she made when she was 13.