#4. The Breakup Notifier
We are all familiar with the following scenario: Boy meets girl. Girl is with someone else. Boy vows to claim girl. Boy uses technology to monitor her love life, waiting to leap the minute he finds out she's single.
OK, maybe that last part is a new twist on this classic story, but it's absolutely possible thanks to the Breakup Notifier app. This little bundle of privacy invasion is the dream of every lame guy who thrives on converting women looking for a shoulder to cry on into one-night stands. The app will check a person's Facebook relationship status every 10 minutes to see if it has changed. You know, because doing that yourself would just be undignified.
"Dignified" is texting them pictures of your junk with nothing but "wut up?" as the accompanying text.
But the biggest "selling point" of the Breakup Notifier is how it's just so darn easy to use. You pretty much just login with Facebook, select the lady you like (or as is probably more often the case, every woman who has made the mistake of friending you) and let the app do the rest. You can monitor multiple "opportunities" (we know that's what you call them) at once and swing into action when the moment arises.
4) Enjoy your new, completely free restraining order!
#3. The Girlfriend Keeper
The Girlfriend Keeper app is designed to handle the day-to-day romantic communications that are often necessary for a serious relationship to thrive, or at the very least for some serious boning to continue. The beauty of this app is that it allows one to automate text messages and emails to a girlfriend at programmed intervals with an adjustable "relationship intensity" setting.
No. No, this is a Saturday Night Live sketch, right?
Sure, remembering to tell your sweetie all of those little messages that we sometimes fail to pass along to each other is not a bad thing. But that doesn't mean having an app handle it so you don't have to be bothered to remember is necessarily a good thing, either. Even if it was, take a look at some of the sample texts that are posted on the app's site ...
Just give it the basic information, and then ...
"Diana, your birthday is in 136 days, maybe I will get you something green like your eyes. -- Evan"
"Diana, you are so beautiful. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. -- Evan"
"Diana, you have the prettiest green eyes I could ever imagine, I can't believe we have been dating for 1 year and 53 days. -- Evan"
"Did you know we started dating 37 days and 8 hours ago?"
"Awww ... that's so sweet that you text me at exactly 9:10 every day.
Seriously, is this the kind of interaction you want ghostwritten under your name all day long in the background? Nobody really enjoys knowing that their significant other is that attentive to detail. At least pass this app up until you find a machine that knows better than to set the bar this high. The only thing this will keep is your girlfriend thinking she should be nailing a far less womanly dude.
Text messages have this nasty habit of hanging around in your cellphone. This could be disastrous for the tramp on the go with four or five different "significant others" to keep a handle on. But worry no more, you whores, because now there's TigerText.
"Honey, why does iPadJoeT keep sending you blank texts?"
This floozy-friendly app will turn every text message sent from a cellphone into a Mission Impossible-style missive that will self-destruct after a predetermined length of time. It erases the message not only on the sender's phone, but also on the cellphone provider's server and the receiver's phone. In fact, the only way to keep a record of TigerTexts is to physically take a picture of the text message.
We're kind of glad they didn't finish that first text.
Sounds like a pretty sweet setup for the tech-savvy slut, but how does it work? Basically, TigerTexts are sent through the data connection on your cellphone, so they don't leave the same trace evidence that a text message leaves. The founder of TigerText claims that the app is simply for mobile security, but come on, we know what Tiger this thing's named after. Don't we?
Here's a hint!
#1. Period Tracker
Every douchebag knows that a woman who isn't capable of partaking in 45 seconds of unbridled passion at the drop of a dime is of no use to anyone. And nothing kills the sex quite like the untimely arrival of a woman's period.
As a man with a minimum of three girlfriends in constant rotation at all times, it's essential that you not be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Namely, you don't want to be caught anywhere with any woman who isn't willing to bone but is more than willing to tell you about her wacky cats for six hours on a Saturday night. Knowing who among your harem is currently menstruating is invaluable information in a situation like this.
With that in mind, we'd like to introduce any practicing manwhores in the audience to the period tracker.
We are so very, very sorry for showing you this.
Great news, there's two of these creepy things! If the above screen shot of the iAmAMan period tracker seems a little bit less than classy, wait until you read what the developers have to say about the Harem Periods Tracker (broken English left in for comedy purposes) ...
Just pretend this is a Photoshop. You'll be happier that way.
"Do not waste your time. You will always know if your girlfriend bleeding today. Are you popular with the girls? Are you familiar with the situation when you invite a girl for a date and at the end of the evening you hear: 'Sorry, but I have "special days"?' Then this application is for you. It will help you to be aware of 'special days' of your girlfriends and you will never make a mistake by inviting 'wrong' girl to the date. Just add all your girlfriends and do not forget to mark sometimes when they had 'critical days.' The application will automatically calculate the period and will let you know when your girlfriends will have the next critical days as well as will recommend you, whom you should visit."
"Hey, just calling to let you know I'll be out of town for about a week. Yeah, again."
It should go without saying that if you're a particularly irresponsible douchebag, this app is even more essential for you. The only words that kill a boner faster than "menstrual cycle" are "I'm pregnant." If you can't be bothered to use caution, at least download this app and check it religiously. The last thing the world needs is another you, douchebag.
Benjamin Buso lives in Texas and is plugging his friends' awesome website.