8 Apps Designed Specifically for Modern Douchebags
Most of what we know about ancient cultures is based on their technology. We know what they ate based on the grains that are mashed into their stoneware and what they did for fun based on the absence of video games in their little mud huts. Similarly, we can tell a great deal about modern douchebags by the apps that they're apparently spending money on. These are apps that could only be used by a very specific type of person. If you're a regular person, your regular-person shield (otherwise known as common human decency) will repel you from apps like ...
#8. Superstud Blackbook: The How-To Guide to Being a Douche
In the past, aspiring jerks had to seek out other jerks to teach them all the ins and outs of what it takes to become a crusty-haired blip on the world's douchebag radar. But those days are gone, thanks to the Superstud Blackbook.
Via Gizmolord.com
Nothing lubricates the ladies like film clips and coffee.
The Superstud Blackbook is basically the Encyclopedia Britannica for douchebags. Are you in a strange city and curious about where ladies with low standards like to get drunk and make bad decisions? The Superstud Blackbook can tell you. You need to purchase bribery material like flowers or jewelry? The Superstud Blackbook will provide a complete list of stores.
Via Gizmolord.com
"Single" is actually the only option.
Oh, and did we mention that it also provides sleazeballs on the prowl with a list of "ice-breakers"? Easily the douchiest aspect of this app, the Situation of this Shore, if you will, the ice-breakers cover things to say to make a good first impression on the innocent victim of your choosing. Unsurprisingly, "Hey baby, check out this Superstud Blackbook app" is not one of them.
Via Gizmolord.com
But "WOW (SIGH!)" is.
#7. The Passion App
Every guy is looking for a little feedback on how he's doing in the sack. So what do you do? Read a few books? Ask your almost certainly deprived lovers for advice on how best to please them? No. Don't be stupid. You're not made of study time.
Via Chrisalvares.com
"Tap anywhere to start." We'll let you make the joke on this one.
See, sex can be a mixed bag for the modern douchebag. On the one hand, it's sick to brag to your buddies about how you totally had it, but on the other, having it requires you to pay attention to someone else for five minutes, which can be a real snooze. How can a pathological narcissist remain self-obsessed while having sex with another human being? Naturally, there's an app for that ...
Via Chrisalvares.com
"Start measuring" and "Instructions." OK, so that's two free ones on us.
No, what you do is strap a smartphone to your arm and turn banging into a video game instead. The Passion app, designed by Chris Alvares and Satan, is available from iTunes (finally!). The app uses all the traditional smartphone bells and whistles such as the accelerometer, microphone and dickish sense of superiority to numerically quantify just how very sweetly you bone. It does so by factoring in the duration, orgasm and activity during sex, eventually assigning the user a score of 0 to 10. Users can then upload the sex scores to a leaderboard and compare it to other sex machines the world over. Because why shouldn't you be able to do that?
Via Chrisalvares.com
Yeah, 2.3 is actually the highest score anyone who uses this app has ever managed.
#6. Recognizr
While it's often said that women love jerks, that doesn't mean every woman knows she loves jerks. Before that can happen, the right jerk has to find her. A new smartphone app called Recognizr makes this terrifyingly easy to do.
Recognizr uses a photo of whatever man or woman you'd like to stalk the daylights out of to locate all of their social networking accounts. Twitter, Facebook, Flickr ... maybe even Friendster. (But probably not.)
Via Techpp.com
"Don't worry, Minna, the picture is for a school project. What's that? How do I know your name?"
The facial recognition software creates a 3-D model of the face in the photo and sends it across their server (which you might be surprised to know is currently on parole for sexual assault charges) to be matched up with the identity in the database. A cloud server does the facial recognition and then sends back the name and access to the social networks.
If that sounds complicated, just know this ... anyone with a camera phone can now take your picture and use it to find all the information the guy from Something About Mary needed phone taps for.
Getty
This is the creepiest thing in the world.
It's not all gloom and doom for your hopes of not having your privacy invaded by creepy a-holes, though. See, the only way Recognizr will work is if the person being photographed actually has a Recognizr account. So, you know, maybe don't get one.
#5. Creepy
Aptly named Creepy, this monumentally disturbing app is a devastating secret weapon for any guy who might have added you to his hardly exclusive list of "chicks to bone this week." All of the social networks that you regularly update can be fed into Creepy, which then ... maybe you should sit down for this ... uses your tweets, wall posts and status updates to pinpoint your exact location.
Via Boingboing.net
We take back what we said about the last picture.
Oh, and it gets worse. If an exact location cannot be determined, Creepy will conveniently provide a list of probable hang-out spots that the stalking victims of choice mention frequently on their social networking accounts. But don't worry. The sort of person who buys an app called Creepy will totally respect your "It's Complicated" relationship status and back off.
Via Switched.com
If you just shivered, you are a rational human.
Why is there a "use" button for ice-breakers? Does your phone say it FOR you? Does that IMPRESS girls?
Reply#3 seems more like it's for self-aware nerds that know they couldn't keep the girl without the machine's help. Like myself and most of cracked. Not that I have girls to use it on...
ReplyMeh. Back to more star wars and xbox 360.
I lol'd
ReplyI use a period tracker myself, not for sex, but to keep track of my cycle. It's incredibly important when you're on birth control.
ReplyI got lazy after my period didn't come for 2 months (not pregnant, just on birth control).
That seemed like the OBVIOUS purpose of that app to ME...... But I guess using it for sex just raises you to a higher level of douchebag...
i personally think that the girlfriend keeper is the #1 douchebag app
ReplyI don't know, at least that one gives the girl the ability to chose if she wants to date someone with the grammar skills of a robot...
God, you know, when I fist clicked on the link to this article, I thought it was gonna be funny. But I just ended up with a chill down my spine.
ReplyThanks Cracked, I don't always laugh from your articles, but I DO always find out something new. At least I know what to watch out for, now. Them smartphones are a little too creepy for me, I'm not going to get one.
That's the point, WTF: you don't have to.
ENJOY.
Anyone who uses t heir smartphone or god forbid, tablet, that much, is automatically a faggot anyway. You can't give me a good reason that you even need a smartphone. Frankly I stopped using and paying for mine - it;s unnecessary.
ReplyThe only apps i have EVER used are:
Words with friends
Angry Birds'
Mixology
Facebook
Gmail
and some trivia apps. Half that s**t doesnt count because it comes with the phone anyway. Regardless, if you use any of these apps in this list, you have already transcended douchebaggery into what should be a list of proscription - people to be killed.
Does anyone else find that ANY rant can go from funny/accurate/annoying to DOWNRIGHT creepy the moment the ranter suggests that people they don't like should be killed?
Period tracker seems like an okay idea on paper, but the ability to track multiple women's periods at the same time does give it a very negative connotation.
ReplyJust gotta make sure learn the ins and outs of her cycle by heart really early in the relationship... If things get too serious and she's type that's into entrapment, she's going to lie about it when you ask.
Even better is finding someone who is on the same page about you about children and won't throw you under the bus when you say you're not interested...
Back when I was working for the Cartel's I used to hate it when people would text me asking about the next shipment and how many keys could they get.
ReplyTiger Text saved my life (and freedom)!
You know what, if I had a smartphone, I'd use the period tracker app. It would be SO much easier than tracking it manually on my phone calendar, and knowing when optimum baby-making time comes would be helpful to avoid a sticky situation.
ReplyThere are period/cycle tracker apps designed for use by women. I use one to keep track of the fact that my cycle is batshit crazy. (The one I use is actually designed for women who are trying to conceive, which I am definitely not, but it has a useful notes function.)
These are actually hilarious. The Girlfriend Keeper seems especially obvious.
Reply..Except for the Creepy app. That's straight up horror.
I was going to say that #1 isn't that creepy, I know plenty of women who use apps like that. But these particular INCARNATIONS of the calendar-tracking app are... uh........
ReplyIts one thing for a girl to use those apps, its another thing entirely for a guy to use it......
That first period-tracker they mentioned has non-douche applications as well, come to think of it. If you and your woman are trying to have a baby, it's good to have an idea when she's ovulating. And if you AREN'T trying for a baby and she starts asking you with a worried look on her face if you remember the last time she had her period, well, there you go.
ReplyThere is probably an app for that that does not call itself the Harem Period Tracker.
Mime, the first one wasn't called Harem Period Tracker it was called iAmAMan period tracker
most of these sound like a pimps tools of the trade
ReplyI've never claimed to be some super-stud. All I'm trying to do is challenge some established dogma here on Cracked about what it means to be a "douchebag"; it looks like I've succeeded.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesKnowledge does not have to be popular in order to be true. I'm sorry to say it, guys, but, like with so much else in the world, there IS an art to dating and (yes) seduction.
1. Be honest.
2. Be funny.
3. Be less than nasty-looking.
That's pretty much it. Everything else is just you being a douche.
You forgot one. Be yourself.
I don't think that last one will be much help to PaulMc1981.
I am so sorry that you are lacking great sex.
Assuming you're coming from the "pick up artists" camp: yes, indeed. Manipulating women into sleeping with you is totally an art form. There's nothing creepy, desperate, sad or pathetic about it at all.
In response to the thethinker, I would hope being yourself involves being honest funny and not terrible looking.
Why would ANY sensible market think people would actually want to buy these? They treat every adolescent male like an insecure, arrogant a*****e that would sell his soul to get laid. And this is coming from a girl.
Reply Hide All See All 4 RepliesThese apps aren't expensive to produce. They're doesn't have to be very much interest to turn a profit.
Obviously it's coming from a girl, because every adolescent male WOULD sell his soul to get laid.
@ deocto:
You took the words right out of my mouth.
@deocto ... sexist
If aiming to date and sleep with more than two women in my life makes me a "douchebag", then I will gladly accept the distinction. Good day.
Reply Hide All See All 5 RepliesY-you read about the creepy app, right?
It's only being a douchebag if you're doing it behind both of their backs.
You'll never even get to sleep with 1 woman with an attitude like that.
Too late, OhMercyMe1. I already have.
^Tell her we all feel sorry for her....
Oh my f*****g god that period tracker had me in stitches.
ReplyHad someone pull #4 on me manually, and before Facebook existed, at that. He read my sporadic Livejournal entries in silence for a solid year until I mentioned breaking up and then contacted me to spew bitterness from his numerous bile-producing hate orifices. I only wish I could say it was the creepiest experience I've ever had with a guy online.
ReplyOn the bright side, he put the effort in. Not like today's creepers. Lazy bums.
#5...............um...........why would someone develop this?
ReplyNow im scared:(
I read your name as "Michael Jackson in Wonderland", which makes me doubt number 5 actually bothers you.