Christmas movies are all about magic, miracles and faith. It takes a special kind of monster to cast a critical eye on these wondrous films and crudely drag their filthy little secrets out for all to see. Well, our teachers always told us we were special, so let's get monstering: Here are six "family friendly" Christmas films that contain nothing but horror beneath their shiny wrapping paper.
6The Santa Clause (1994)
Tim Allen plays Scott Calvin, a divorced advertising executive who's vying for his son's lost affection (as is the case for every single father in Hollywood; be careful, as soon as the wife dies or divorces you, that kid will turn on you like an ungrateful top). But, since this is a Christmas movie, he's also attempting to reaffirm his son's waning faith in Santa Claus. The tables turn, however, when Scott accidentally startles Santa and Claus falls off the roof, tragically dying in the process. Santa's body mystically disappears, Scott dons the red suit and now there's a new Santa Claus.
Presumably with a teardrop tattoo under his eye.
While reluctant at first, Scott embarks on an emotional journey, during which he comes to grips with the reality of the Santa Clause, reconnects with his estranged son and becomes a better person overall thanks to his new position ...
... and it was all made possible by the death of the former Santa. Not that it was a difficult kill. No, this guy practically murdered himself:
-- Self-disappearing body! No pesky corpse to hide or chop up, since Santa vanishes within seconds after his demise!
"Well, there goes any closure to this sad little incident."
-- Automatic new identity! Afraid you've left evidence behind that might net a conviction? Don't worry: If you murder Santa, he'll leave you his clothes, his physique and his hair color as well! This fat son of a bitch comes pre-Talented Mr. Ripley-ed.
"Yep, dead before you're 50."
-- Complete with getaway vehicle and remote hideout! You've got flying transportation and a kingdom of newly acquired servants to cover up for you. The best part is, it's in the North Pole; not just remote, but inhospitable! No extradition going on up there!
"Wow, this is awkward. Does it make it any better if I just admit all my crimes? I'm on a registry and everything."
Oh, but it's not all fun and games. For starters, you'd better learn to sleep with one eye open. When murder is made this easy and rewarding, you can be sure that there will always be a target on the back of the bright red suit that you can't take off. Being Santa means you have your own kingdom, clothes, vehicle, servants and nigh-omnipotent power. Who wouldn't want a piece of that? And in exchange, all you have to do is work one night a year -- a fixed night where you have to break into everybody's house and quietly rummage around their living room in the dark, thus giving everyone on earth a heads up and an easy shot at the king, all without ever having to put pants on.
"Ho ho ho, there can be only one!"
Fun fact: Near the end of the movie, Charlie (Scott Calvin's son) talks about going into the family business when he gets older. Get ready for The Santa Clause 4: PatriCider and Cookies.