5 Insane Supervillain Schemes by Real Governments 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Breeding Endangered Animals 4 Lame Jokes You Start Telling as Soon as You Become a Dad

8 Gratuitously Violent Horror Movie Scenes (from the Bible)

#4. The Double Impaling (Numbers 25:6-8)

The "stabbing two people with one long weapon" technique is actually one of Jason's favorites in the Friday the 13th series. And why not? He knows that if you can kill more than one person in a single stab, you're doubling your productivity.

The Bible Quote:

"Then an Israelite man brought into the camp a Midianite woman right before the eyes of Moses and the whole assembly of Israel while they were weeping at the entrance to the tent of meeting. When Phinehas son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron, the priest, saw this, he left the assembly, took a spear in his hand and followed the Israelite into the tent. He drove the spear into both of them, right through the Israelite man and into the woman's stomach."

Barbara Griffiths
The Righteous are such cock-blocks.

Wait, What?

Long before Jason Voorhees patrolled Camp Crystal Lake, an uncompromising Jew named Phinehas knew exactly what to do about randy youngsters having premarital sex in his campgrounds.

Amazon.com
He would go on to inspire the lamest-named terrorist organization on earth.

Of course, they kind of had it coming -- they hooked up right in front of Moses, the guy who just parted the Red Sea to break them out of Egypt and whose only request was that they cut out the public displays of affection. It's like nobody told them they were living in the Old Testament, when it didn't exactly take a felony to get you brutally slain in the name of God's Law.

In this case, God had already cursed the Israelites as a warning, because the women had been taking the term "missionary position" literally, and tempting the men to worship false gods with the help of their vaginas. Phinehas just snapped one day and decided to try double penetration of a different kind.


"I'd like to thank my years of study at Buzzkill University."

#3. The Spike Through the Head (Judges 4:21-22)

Considering how many slasher movies involve young people getting slaughtered out in the woods, often in some kind of "camp" setting, it's unsurprising that there have been some tent spikes hammered into heads. Like this scene from Sleepaway Camp 3:

That scene is pretty much lifted directly from the Bible, frame for frame ...

The Bible Quote:

"But Jael, Heber's wife, picked up a tent peg and a hammer and went quietly to him while he lay fast asleep, exhausted. She drove the peg through his temple into the ground, and he died. Just then Barak came by in pursuit of Sisera, and Jael went out to meet him. 'Come,' she said, 'I will show you the man you're looking for.' So he went in with her, and there lay Sisera with the tent peg through his temple -- dead."


"Getting nailed" in the Biblical sense isn't nearly as fun.

Wait, What?

Sisera, the guy who took a spike through the skull, was a military commander who had fled the scene of a military defeat and sought shelter in a hut owned by a guy named Heber and his wife, Jael. After a lovely meal and some good conversation, Sisera went off to sleep, only to awaken to the unpleasant sensation of having Jael drive a spike into his head so hard that she actually pinned his head to the floorboards. She sympathized with the opposing army, it appears.

We bring it up because it's one of the most bizarrely specific descriptions of an unconventional murder in a book otherwise filled with stories about men killing each other with donkey jawbones. Sure, she killed a guy with whatever she could find lying around. But the verse actually takes care to mention that the spike came out the other end and went into the ground. It's like it was scripted for an archaic Halloween sequel.

"And lo, Michael Myers plunged the corkscrew into the teen's stomach, and twisted at the wrist like so. And stuck fast upon the corkscrew was the teen's pancreas, which Michael disconnected from the teen with little effort. Michael then beat the teen with his own pancreas, and he died." Amen.


Never sleep with a girl who insists on bringing her hammer to bed.

#2. The Guy Getting Eaten Alive by Worms (Acts 12:21-23)

This is the kind of thing that even slasher movies think is "weird territory." The closest we can think of is this Halloween III scene where a little kid's head bursts into insects, worms and snakes:

The Bible Quote:

"On the appointed day Herod, wearing his royal robes, sat on his throne and delivered a public address to the people. They shouted, 'This is the voice of a god, not of a man.' Immediately, because Herod did not give praise to God, an angel of the Lord struck him down, and he was eaten by worms and died."


That'll learn him.

Wait, What?

Just to be clear, he didn't die and then get eaten by worms. He died of being eaten by worms. Whether this took place over the course of days or weeks, or if it happened immediately while he sat there, is unknown.

Getty
We're going to go with "immediately devoured by worm hordes."

We know the name "Herod" has come up a lot here -- there were actually five Herods in the New Testament; this one was the fourth one we see, and while he wasn't crazy enough to have all the babies in a town executed because of some pesky prophesy (that was his grandfather), this one followed the family tradition of generally being a dick. That said, we're not sure whether God may have overreacted here, since the only thing Herod is really accused of is someone else telling him he sounded like God, like maybe he had a really deep voice or something.

Whatever you think of God, you have to agree he's really creative with his punishments. "Eaten by worms" sounds like it came out of a game of Mad Libs. He could just as easily have been gored by ponies or crushed by seals. Either way would be pretty terrifying, you know, if you were there. The passage clarifies that he was eaten by worms and died, which is kind of a small mercy.

Getty
"You're next, Morgan Freeman."

#1. Crushed Victims and the Lake of Blood (Revelation 14:20)

When you ask yourself, "What's the most blood you've ever seen in a horror movie?" you'd have to skip right past the standard slasher films and think of the times when a whole swimming-pool-sized volume of blood has appeared, like the one the girl fell into in The Descent:

Or, there's the whole "hallway filling with blood" scene from The Shining:

Both pale in comparison to the Bible.

The Bible Quote:

"They were trampled in the wine press outside the city, and blood flowed out of the press, rising as high as the horses' bridles for a distance of 1,600 stadia."

Getty
Pictured: Horse with bridle. Not pictured: Oodles of blood.

Wait, What?

If you're wondering how far 1,600 stadia is, it's about 180 miles. So it's a lake of blood about 5 feet high, extending 180 miles (in every direction, we assume). Somebody in the comments can do the math on how many gallons of blood that is, and how many people would have to be crushed in a huge wine press in order to create it.

Getty
Our guess is two Super Bowls' worth.

This is from the symbolism-heavy book of Revelation, and the lead-up to this quote depicts an angel with a sickle who has been commanded to harvest all of the "grapes" from the earth. He's told to throw them into the huge wine press of God's wrath. And you think, well, that's kind of weird that God would be mad at grapes, but whatever. Then when the press crushes down, the Bible makes it clear that it's blood that flows forth, and you realize, oh shit, those weren't grapes.

And, if you're having trouble picturing what this process would look like, here's a wine press in action:

Now imagine instead of grapes, it's people.

For more badassness from the Bible, check out The 9 Most Badass Bible Verses and The 6 Raunchiest, Most Depraved Sex Acts (From the Bible).

And stop by LinkSTORM to learn how to cleanse your soul of that Biblical horror.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get sexy, sexy jokes sent straight to your news feed.

Do you have an idea in mind that would make a great article? Then sign up for our writers workshop! Do you possess expert skills in image creation and manipulation? Mediocre? Even rudimentary? Are you frightened by MS Paint and simply have a funny idea? You can create an infographic and you could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow!

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

1,449 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!