We've milked the Bible before for its most badass and sexiest passages, but the good book has a dark side as well. More than just occasionally, people get killed in ways so innovative and gruesome that they could have been filmed as scenes in a slasher movie. And, as we'll show you, some have done exactly that.
8 The Guy Getting Impaled on a 75-Foot Pole (Esther 7:9-10)
The first rule of Hollywood slasher movies is that your movie isn't worth the price of admission without a good impaling. Like this scene in Jason X, where the guy gets tossed down onto a huge spike shaped like a drill bit:
If you imagine the spike is much, much bigger, you have the Bible version.
The Bible Quote:
"Then Harbona, one of the eunuchs attending the king, said, 'A pole reaching to a height of 50 cubits stands by Haman's house. He had it set up for Mordecai, who spoke up to help the king.' The king said, 'Impale him on it!' So they impaled Haman on the pole he had set up for Mordecai. Then the king's fury subsided."
Above: The Punishment of Haman. Who was apparently pretty ripped.
Haman wasn't the only character in the Bible who got executed by impalement, or even the only one in the book of Esther. However, he stands out for both scale and irony. Fifty cubits is about 75 feet long, instead of a more utilitarian, manageable length like what they typically used to impale people (by the way, you probably don't want to click that link).
We've done our best to tastefully represent the impalement process here.
We have previously mentioned the story of Haman and Mordecai -- basically, Haman was the Hitler of ancient Persia, but his plan involved fewer blitzkriegs and many more giant spikes. His attempt to slaughter all of the Jews took an unexpected nosedive when King Xerxes fell in love with a Jewish woman and Haman found himself hoisted by his own petard, where by "hoisted" we mean "impaled" and by "petard" we mean "75-foot spike." We can only assume Haman's body slowly corkscrewed down to the bottom, just like in the Jason X clip above.
What's important is that he died doing what he loved: being a bastard.