6 Real Acts of Self Defense Too Awesome for an Action Movie

If you kill a man who's trying to kill you, that's not called murder, it's called self-defense. And it is a perfectly reasonable if somewhat tragic consequence of crime. Both the people and the law will understand your actions in defending yourself and others.

Up to a reasonable point.

These stories are all so far beyond Reasonable Point that they need a GPS and a Coast Guard escort to find their way back.

#6. World's Tiniest Nazi Hunter

It's 1939 New York, and a diminutive Jewish gentleman is strolling the streets, just generally going about his business, which may or may not revolve around being Jewish and tiny -- we're not here to assume. And then he spots a sign outside an unadorned building simply reading "No dogs or Jews allowed." Anger wells up within him, and despite all better judgment, our 5'4" hero storms off to fetch himself a ladder and a bat. When he returns, he tears the sign from the wall and hurls it to the ground, where it lands ... right at the feet of the 20 or so angry Nazis watching from below.

"Look, there he is! Where we're pointing! Get him!"

Yes, the building was a Nazi headquarters, and it was just chock full of violent, racist assholes. They knocked over the small man's ladder and closed in on him from all sides. One thing was for sure: Somebody wasn't walking away from this fight.

And that "somebody" was 20 Nazis.

Because our tiny hero was, at the time, the world's strongest man.

We're guessing the Carrot Top 'fro threw them.

Joseph Greenstein, aka the Mighty Atom, was a renowned circus strongman, and he quite reasonably proceeded to beat the shit out of every Nazi he could lay his little hands on. He knocked back over a dozen men, breaking arms, noses, legs and presumably the hearts of treasure-hunting femmes fatales everywhere. Joe was arrested and taken to court after the fracas, where he was charged with dozens of counts of battery. The judge, being unable to fathom one man causing so much damage, asked the arresting officer if all of the men involved in the fight were standing before him. Surely, he thought, Joe had accomplices who simply got away.

"Have we ruled out the possibility of jet packs?"

And as expected, the officer answered, "No, they're not."

Then, before the judge could finish nodding smugly, the officer clarified that there were still half a dozen Nazis in the hospital too hurt to attend court. Presumably, this exchange was punctuated by a double-take, two spit-takes and a monocle pop.

The officer went on to point out, however, that the men attacked Joe, not the other way around. When asked why, the officer simply speculated: "They're Nazis."

All these stormtroopers were barely able to occupy Joe's bathroom.

The case was immediately dismissed. And Joe's bat was entered into evidence, crated up and stored in a massive government warehouse with all of the other mythical artifacts, never to be seen again.

#5. Justice Is Blind, and Also Sick of Your Shit

One awful, cowardly, despicable thief thought that he'd spied the easiest mark ever: a blind man. In an act of villainy so egregious and pointless it breaks Snidely Whiplash's suspension of disbelief, the thief sidled up to the handicapped man, threatened him and demanded ... his smokes. That's just crime for crime's sake, at that point.

"I also want your phone number because I have no friends in this town and I'm lonely."

But he wasn't even getting those: The blind man laughed him off and ignored the threats. Then our friendly neighborhood scumbag upped the ante, and actually punched a blind man straight in the face. And before you even muster up some aghast, know that the "helpless" blind man here was none other than the reigning world champion of blind judo. Which, with the exception of "tiger" or "hand grenade," is about the most badass prefix one could possibly add to "judo."

The champ easily wrestled the would-be criminal to the ground, doubtlessly while shouting cigarette-based puns, and when the criminal was properly incapacitated, he called the police for pick up.

"If he learns Braille, he'll be able to read the pattern of bruises I punched into his chest."

The blind man was treated at the hospital for minor cuts and bruises, a bloody nose and a sadly terminal case of the Daredevils.

#4. Do Not Rob the Highlanders; They Do Not Appreciate It


Seeing an open window, a prospective burglar leaped right on into the home of Virgine Ujlaky and began to case the joint. Which is much harder than it sounds when you're pinned to the wall by a sword.

Virgine Ujlaky, you see, was an Olympic-level fencer.

Upon spotting the thief, Ujlaky confronted and attacked him without hesitation, before reluctantly ringing the police to come pick up the pieces she'd grown bored with.

"After separating the head from the neck, I thought, 'Why do a half-assed job?' So his torso is in that tree."

No. Come on. The real world doesn't work like that. Expert sharpshooters don't go around foiling bank robberies with their sniper rifles, and MMA champs don't Batman the local bars on their off-time. Why on earth would she have a sword, the one weapon she was expertly trained in, at the ready at the precise time a home invader chose to attack?

Well, you can accept the boring explanation that the police offer -- that she happened to be practicing right there in the room when the break-in occurred, and the criminal just had a keen sense of comedic timing -- or else you can accept the Cracked explanation: That Highlanders are real, and way more pixie-like and adorable than the movies would have you believe.

This may be the first time someone has been caught leveling up in a photograph.

We seriously advocate the latter, and if you need incentive to believe it, well, how about this: When asked what she thought about the whole experience, Ujlaky merely remarked that she found it to be "good practice."

Highlander as fuck.

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