5 Fish Clearly Designed by a Madman

#2. Needlefish

Via Wild-facts.com

Quick! Name the deadliest animal in the ocean! You probably said "shark," unless you're a hippie, and then you said "MAN!" But if you're a fisherman living near the Pacific Ocean, you should have said "needlefish." And then shivered mightily.

At first glance, the fish looks they way you'd expect an animal named a "needlefish" to look. They're not horribly big, ranging in size from 2 inches to 3 feet long. And they're skinny, so you wouldn't imagine anyone giving a second glance to an animal you could throttle with one hand.

Via Florida-keys-fishing.org
Though it doesn't give you much surface area to punch, so you have to be precise.

Sure, the thing has two jagged spears for a face, but as long as you're in the boat and it's in the water, what's the worst that could happen? Answer: It could jump out of the ocean at 38 miles per hour and stab you in the eye, that's what.

Via Mexfish.com
Poseidon's rebuttal to sport fishing.

Or the throat, or the chest, or the brain. It turns out the needlefish isn't the brightest crayon in the box, and at night (when Pacific reef fisherman and divers are most likely to get their catches) the lights from the boats get the fish all riled up. Entire schools of swimming knife-fish have been known to speed toward the brightness, even jumping onto boats and introducing people's internal organs to their snouts.

And as if the thought of getting skewered by a flying fish isn't horrific enough, that's not even the victim's worst problem. The bigger problem is that all or part of the fish's needle beak can break off in the skin. Not exactly the souvenir most of us are looking for when taking the Hawaiian vacation of a lifetime.

Via Mexfish.com
Just remember to wear riot gear before going out with your Ski-Doo.

#1. Moray Eels

"What?" you say, scoffing openly at your monitor. "Eels? Everybody has seen eels before. They're just big fish-snakes, right?"

Well, let's put it this way: Imagine the monster from Alien was a fish. Not like a fish in a movie about alien fish swimming in the sea of space, but a real live fish, living in the ocean right now. That's the moray eel. Trust us, it's not just those layers and layers of teeth that make the moray eel so terrifying.

Via Blog.lokonopa.com
Though that's a pretty goddamn good start.

It's not even the fact that some of those fangs are covered in a poisonous mucus and that some morays grow up to 8 feet long. No, wait until you see what that little bastard has got hiding in its insides:

Via Jeffsommar.com
Fishermen call that a "life fucker."

Get it now? It's got freaking second set of jaws. Just like this:

Via Mamapop.com

And just like the alien, the moray will punch its second set of teeth forward from the throat to grab prey and drag it down to its death. It takes a high-speed camera to catch the junior jaw in action, but HOLY CRAP.

It turns out that most fish catch prey by sucking in the water around them, so they get a drink and a meal all at once. Evolution has somehow rewarded this creature with a mechanism to skip the sucking and go straight for the murder grab.

Via Scienceblogs.com
Above: Proof that evolution can hate.

So the first set of jaws catches the meal, and the second set seizes it and hauls it down the throat. Watch this video below if you're a really good sleeper and you want to see the moray eel in action:

No other animal on earth is built like this. Which means that not only is this monstrosity ahead of the curve evolution-wise, but also that Mother Nature has probably got some more jacked-up tricks up her sleeve that we just don't know about (HINT: It almost certainly involves ACID FOR BLOOD).

For more examples of Mother Nature's sick sense of humor, check out 13 Real Animals Lifted Directly Out of Your Nightmares and 10 Animals You Won't Believe Are Closely Related.

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