Cracked Round-Up: Flaming Booze Edition

Ever heard of a flaming Doctor Pepper? We've spent most of the last week trying to perfect our own take on the flaming mixed drink. So far, we've hit upon a mixture of Drambuie, everclear and lighter fluid that tastes surprisingly like Pepsi. If Pepsi tasted like burning the inside of your esophagus and then vomiting up blood for eleven-and-a-half hours.


Luke McKinney started our week off by bragging about how awesome writing for the Internet is. Because there's nothing we like better than taunting our office-locked readers with tales of freedom. Christina followed up with a list of terrible drivers that you or someone you love probably belongs on. Chris Bucholz spent his column answering an age-old question: is Kim Kardashian an idiot? Soren Bowie covered the best mental breakdowns in all of sporting history while Seanbaby tracked down the lamest (and late-est) Batman villains in history. John Cheese took credit on behalf of his generation for ruining ours and Dan O'Brien tried to puzzle out crazy career moves by crazier celebrities.


NAUGHTY PARTS
5 Insane Ways Fear of Masturbation Shaped the Modern World
This article is dedicated to all the brave, repressed men who fought to stop orgasms from destroying our souls.


Notable Comment: "I'm starting to think that that Kellogg dude probably fapped more than all of us here combined."

If he did, Cpt_Blade, it was while wearing a hair shirt with sandpaper glued to his palms.



GUINEA PEOPLE
6 Most Badass Self-Inflicted Medical Experiments
Sometimes, science requires sacrifice. And sometimes that sacrifice is submerging the tip of your penis in scalding water.


Notable Comment: "Okay, now I'm changing my life goal. I say we mix DNA from Haldane and Teddy Roosevelt in order to create a genetic superbadass. Let's rock."

KevinPlymale may have just kicked off a chain of events that ends with the doom of all mankind.



STICKY AND RICH
14 Luxury Sex Toys for the Extremely Rich and Creepy
We don't understand how there isn't a smartphone yet with teledildonic capabilities.


Notable Comment: "Hey, totally awesome. Cracked is now running free advertising for sex toy companies. Hilarious. In a sad way."

VladZu is on to us. Now the whole world knows that we're in the pocket of Big Sex Toy.



MONEY LIES
The 6 Most Poorly Thought Out Attempts at Insurance Fraud
This article is what happens when stupid people try to commit smart crimes.


Notable Comment: "Mike Malloy, just another average Irish immigrant."

MemphisLuther, if the average Irishman could take that much punishment there probably wouldn't be an England.



UNCONTROLLABLE
6 Attempts at Damage Control That Caused Way Bigger Problems
Sometimes, it's best to just swallow your pride and shut the hell up.


Notable Comment: "All of these are pretty dumb, but Streisand going to war over a damn Geological study takes the cake. Especially since the very thing being studied would help keep her house from falling into the ocean."

Let's be fair, TheBaffler. Thinking things through all the way isn't exactly Barbara Streisand's strong suit.





LONNY
How To Deal With a Broken Heart (In the Street)
Lonny goes gangster.


YOU YOU YOU!
If Everyday Life Had an In-Game Display
We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Error Messages Had a Sense of Humor, What Video Game Characters Do When We're Not Looking and If History Was Written By Losers.

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