#2. Lizards Inside a Teddy Bear
Let's say you decide to order your significant other a bear-gram to show how much you care. Sure, sending teddy bears by snail mail might be a little soppy, and sure, being an adult who voluntarily gives teddy bears to other adults speaks volumes of you wearing a skin suit made from past dates on your off time, but that's just the kind of guy you are and you're not afraid to show it, goddammit.
Something about this just screams, "I want to see your face from the inside."
But what company to choose? There are so many. Eventually, you settle on an Australian one that seems to be quite a bit more expensive than the others -- because hey, that must mean their teddy bears are really special. So you contact them and place a delivery order to your girlfriend's workplace, to make sure everyone sees what a romantic soul you are.
A few days later, she unexpectedly dumps you by the phone, screaming something incoherent about lizards and calling Customs and Border Protection. And, right on cue, there's a knock at your door.
"Was it the sex dungeon? Because that belongs to my landlord."
This was a very real problem Australian customs officers faced in the first half of 2011. Not the mail delivery bears, that is, but the rare lizards that were stuffed in their hollowed-out chest cavities, Alien style. They found package after package of teddy bears filled to the brim with expensive Australian (and therefore automatically terrible) reptiles, to the point where every single bear package the postal system found offered another potentially traumatizing event in the life of the poor bastard who had to not only eviscerate goddamn teddy bears, but also face the risk of having bobtail lizards chestburst at him immediately afterward.
"Well, sure as hell can't tell the daughter about today."
Eventually, an investigation led the officials to a Hong Kong couple and their base of operations in Perth. A raid at their premises discovered a bunch of rare lizards, teddy bears and package material, a combination of items no explanation that wasn't either smuggling or a fairly particular sexual fetish could justify.
But why would anyone want to send people Australian animals, of all things, inside teddy bears? Why, for the love of all that is holy, would anyone ever knowingly order one? Well, it turns out overseas demand for native Australian animals is extremely high. For instance, the bobtail lizard we mentioned could fetch up to $7,500 per animal on the Asian black market.
Man, people are queuing up to buy Australian animals? We feel this proves conclusively that no one is paying attention to our warnings.
All the recovered lizards were released back into the wild, save two who were hired as beer mascots.
#1. Various Birds
By this point, you've read most of this article and you already know how this plays out, so we're going to skip our preamble and cut right to the chase: a man strapped an army of hummingbirds to his dick.
"It seemed like the right thing to do."
Holy shit! There's nothing in that picture (of an unnamed Dutch criminal who strapped live hummingbirds to his underpants) that doesn't scream for a medic. The only way this could be a more suicidal scenario is if the guy had actually gone all out and smuggled woodpeckers, which as comedy writers we're actually kind of pissed he didn't try.
We're not exaggerating the hazard factor of the contraption, either: The security officials actually caught the guy (who was apparently an experienced smuggler) at the airport because he was fidgeting and looking extremely uncomfortable. We can only imagine how things would've turned out for him and his balls if he'd actually gotten on the plane.
Although the security officials' expressions speak volumes, here:
Note how only the woman is smiling.
Looking at this picture, you'd expect the word "anus" to show up more often in this entry.
But there are plenty of folks who strap birds to their bodies (he's just the weirdest). Take this 22-year-old Australian man who wrapped two random pigeons in a padded envelope and hid them in his athletic tights. They weren't sedated or anything -- they were just sort of hanging there, presumably cooing and pecking on his legs in protest for the duration of his 13-hour flight from Dubai to Melbourne. The guy also tried to smuggle some seeds and an illegal eggplant. The seeds because "What if the birds get hungry?" the eggplant because "What if I get hungry?" and the everything because "What if I'm full-on crazy? Mayday mayday, underpants trampoline!"
Are those pigeons in your pants, or are you just trying to infect endemic species with foreign ticks and parasites?
Incidentally, since Australia is extremely vulnerable to invasive species and therefore takes its biosecurity seriously, the man is facing a maximum prison term of 10 years and a $70,000 fine. For smuggling freaking pigeons, the animals mostly famous for making it impossible to sit on any flat surface in any major metropolitan area since the dawn of time.
And then we have Sonny Dong (tee hee!), who smuggled songbirds by somewhat disappointingly tucking them in little suits and sewing those to his socks.
"Because why shouldn't crime be adorable?"
The prosecutor alleged that the big break in this case were the tail feathers visible beneath Mr. Dong's pant cuffs, as well as the bird crap on his shoes, but we think it was probably the multiple birds attached to his socks.
This wasn't Dong's first rodeo, either -- in 2008, he was forced to abandon a suitcase containing 18 songbirds in a botched smuggling attempt. Upon tracking him, the police discovered a further 51 Asian songbirds -- 69 in all -- from his house, meaning that Mr. Dong must've had both the most apathetic neighbors and the world's most lenient landlord in recorded history.
"Your collection is coming along wonderfully, Sonny! Just keep dumping the dead ones out back by the azaleas."
We'll never know if the guy who strapped birds to his dong got the idea from the guy named Dong who strapped birds to his legs, but we like to think that he did.
Or, actually, we'd rather not think anything about either of these guys, because whenever the thought of one of them enters our minds we're immediately met with a mental picture that sticks with us for days, and we really don't want to think about it again because it's so painful and we just got it out of our heads and --