#3. Dark Room Sex Game -- Sound-Only Wiimote Porn
Dark Room Sex Game is an erotic video game created by a group of students in Copenhagen who apparently never got over the fact that Nintendo's Wii remote sort of looks like a dong (if dongs were rectangular and had little buttons in them). However, even if you're the sort of person who has been waiting for a Wii porn game since 2006, you'll probably be disappointed to find out that this game has no graphics. (You might want to mute the following video if you're at work, though.)
The game is played by standing before a speaker that makes erotic sounds and whipping your Wiimote in tandem with a partner. There's no screen, so to an outside observer it might as well be a female tennis match simulator. If you and your partner follow the audio cues correctly and achieve a good rhythm, the game will let you know you have won by having a loud orgasm.
The winner is then rewarded by an overwhelming feeling of shame.
The designers, who classify this as a party game, say they took away the visuals to make it "more erotic" and force players to "user their imaginations" (but not too much, because no one likes the guy at every party with the visible boner). They also admit they were inspired by the "phallic shape (and rumble) of the Wiimote" and that the ultimate goal is to make players feel embarrassed and satisfied at the same time. A less obvious objective is preparing us for when the machines take over and robot handjobs become a thing.
For extra awkwardness, there's even an "orgy mode" where two couples compete to see who can reach climax the fastest (so it's more like "premature ejaculator" mode). While Dark Room Sex Game is designed to be played with Wiimotes, it's actually a PC game. Of course, if they do license it to Nintendo at some point, we're guessing they'd probably find a way to slap Mario on the cover.
"It's-a me, thumbing your brown eye!"
#2. Kiss Controller -- Turn French Kissing into Bowling
Bowling video games probably reached their zenith with Nintendo's Wii Sports mini-game -- once you are able to play by performing an actual throwing-ball swinging motion, where else can you go? Well, artist Hye Yeon Nam found the next innovation: kiss bowling.
One of the players wears a headset in front of his mouth and the other has to stick a little magnet to her tongue with some Fixodent. The one with the magnet then inserts her polarized tongue into the other person's mouth and uses it to maneuver the virtual bowling ball.
The strength of the throw is controlled by the potency of his boner.
At this point you have to try to keep your tongue as straight as possible in order to maintain the direction of the ball, while at the same time wiggling it as fast as you can to increase the ball's speed. This goes on for the most horrible 20 seconds of your life. It's like this was designed by someone who has only ever been kissed by overbearing psychopaths.
"Well, that score was definitely worth souring our relationship forever."
So, as impressive as this invention may seem, we're just not convinced that the tongue is the optimal choice for a controller, especially when you consider factors like bad breath, possible muscle cramps and the human need to breathe. Add that to the fact that the deep throating has to be carefully coordinated, and that you have to be wearing all that shit in your face and keep glancing at the screen to know how you're doing, and it's like someone really went out of their way to suck all the fun out of kissing and bowling both.
#1. Deep Sea -- The Creepy Gas Mask Game
Turns out sound-only games aren't just for porn: whereas Dark Room Sex Game wants you to feel aroused, Deep Sea wants to scare the living shit out of you. For starters, it forces you to wear this thing:
"Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me."
That is a gas mask, yes. So it's not just that you can't see the graphics: You can't see anything at all, and you can only hear the creepy sounds that come from the game itself (everything else is canceled out by the headphones). In Deep Sea, you are underwater and surrounded by unthinkable creatures coming at you from all sides. An AI character tells you which way the monsters are coming, more or less, and you have to try to shoot them down with your joystick. If there's a hit, you'll hear a scream -- if you miss, all you will hear is your shot drifting away into the sea (and, eventually, your own scream).
The game is extremely claustrophobic, and this is all quite intentional: In this interview, the game's creator admits that "It's meant to be a difficult, frustrating, scary experience." Even worse, he says, "I saw somebody rip off the mask and I realized ... I think I'm on to something here."
"The fear-urine was another big indicator."
In fact, the more scared you are, the harder the game gets -- the game actually keeps track of your breathing and plays back an exaggerated breathing sound that increases the more nervous you get, sooner or later drowning out the game's commands and getting you killed. Even if you're not claustrophobic at all, you might be after playing it.
And as if the experience wasn't traumatic enough, the game is also designed to be played in public spaces only, meaning that as soon as you take off your mask you realize people have been watching you lose your shit for the past 10 minutes.
Which is still less shameful than playing Wii tennis in public.
For more things we wished wouldn't happen in the gaming world, check out 5 Creepy Ways Video Games Are Trying to Get You Addicted and The 6 Most Ominous Trends in Video Games.
And stop by LinkSTORM to discover the things Bucholz does around the office that nobody ever asks or wants him to do.
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