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#2. Hire Someone to Write Your Biography

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Chances are that if you're reading this and you're not, like, George Clooney or something, no one's going to offer to write a book about you any time soon. Typically you need to have done something remarkable or transcendental with your life before getting to the point where people will be interested in reading your biography.

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Or you can just, you know, exist.

Unless you're willing to fork out $10,000 to $30,000, that is -- then you can head over to the Remembering Site, where you can hire someone to write down the details of your life and make an actual book out of them. In this case, the one notable accomplishment that made you worthy of a biography was having $10,000 to $30,000 to spend on a biography.

The site offers two methods. The cheaper option involves answering a long series of questions about yourself, including hardballs like "Did you eat lunch at school or go home? Did you bring your own lunch? Did you have a lunchbox? If so, what did it look like?"

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At this point most clients break down and confess a murder.

The other method consists of hooking you up with a professional writer who will work with you to ensure the most loyal biographical account of your life possible. Or, at least, the most loyal account you choose to give them. So, when you get to the part about your most valued family heirlooms, what's to stop you from saying that your grandfather left you a pair of his glasses that hold the location of the great and powerful AllSpark? Also, that you're dating Megan Fox.

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And you're Zorro.

To be fair, the site is mostly geared toward senior citizens who might want to leave their families something to remember them by or simply have fun doing the questions, but it's also the perfect opportunity for the kind of person who honestly thinks they need a book written about their life -- apparently their youngest author is only 21, and we can't imagine how she would fill a whole book about herself unless it included detailed recaps of every Smallville episode she ever saw. But hey, if you're using this service to stroke your ego, at least the answer to "What's the saddest moment of your life?" is already answered.

The only problem with this is that, well, nobody reads books anymore. No, if you really want to be famous you should be looking at a different medium ...

#1. Pay to Be Treated Like a Celebrity

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As annoying as reality TV stars can be, even we have to admit that there's usually a discernible reason, albeit shaky, why those people have their own shows: maybe they were legitimately famous in the '80s, or they're filthy rich and made a porn video, or they are Dog the Bounty Hunter. Are these good reasons? No. But they are reasons.

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"He's a bounty hunter named Dog and --" "SOLD!"

Unfortunately, not every individual who craves being the center of attention at all times can be a celebrity -- but that doesn't mean they can't be treated like one. That's why there are companies like Reality Producers that will shoot your completely normal wedding, bar mitzvah or boring event of any type and "[edit] it down to a reality-TV-like show complete with graphics, music, characters and a story line."

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And an intoxicated Verne Troyer.

Their crew will follow you around as you get ready for the event and will stay on you after everyone else has left. That's right, this isn't just some guy with a Handycam: there will be up to five professional cameramen recording your cat's birthday or whatever, using HD equipment. Ten wireless microphones will be placed on the main players (you, your cat, your cat's friends) so that not one word of dialogue is lost. A normal wedding videographer will typically record two or three hours of material at most -- these guys will get close to 60 hours on a one-day event, which is then edited down to a fast-paced single hour program worthy of VH1. Except for the part where anyone would watch it.

But what if you honestly think this stuff is way too interesting to end up buried in the back of a closet? Well, you can also hire the same company to produce your own reality show pilot, which you are then free to pitch to a network.

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"Gettysburg Address Cat" is already being developed by A&E, though.

And they aren't even the only ones in the business of making delusional people feel like celebrities: We've told you about the company that made the infamous "Friday" viral video, which that Rebecca Black girl (that is, her parents) actually paid to have made. ARK Music Factory charges between $2,000 and $4,000 for a professional-looking music video including feasibly idiotic pop lyrics and vocals that have been autotuned to shit -- the song was available for sale on iTunes even before it became famous (for being so bad) because that's part of the service. A small price to pay for worldwide scorn!


"Yeah, we 'discovered' you were shit, but we're too busy vomiting money to care."

Erik Germ is the owner of hugefrigginarms.com and can be found on Twitter at hugefrigginarms.

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